Love is not enough

In 1967, John Lennon wrote the song "All you need is love." He also: beat his two wives, threw one of his children, showered homophobic and anti-Semitic insults his Jewish manager gay, and one whole day was lying completely naked in front of a crowd of people
. Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor of the band Nine Inch Nails wrote the song "Love is not enough." Reznor, despite its popularity shocking performances on stage and grotesque alarming clips, got rid of drug and alcohol addiction, married to one woman, she started with her two children and then canceled the subsequent studio and touring to stay home and be a good husband and father.
One of these men are clear and realistic understanding of love. The other - no. One idealizes love, seeing in it the solution to all problems. Do not have another one. One of them was probably a narcissistic jerk. The second - was not

. In our culture, many idealized love. We see in it the sublime panacea for all the problems of life. Our movies and history books say it as the ultimate goal of life, the ultimate relief from all painful struggle. And because of what we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, it is necessary to pay for our relationship.
When we believe that "all we need is love," as Lennon, we tend to ignore the fundamental values: respect, humility and commitment to the people we care about. After all, if love is everything, why should I bother myself with other things - difficult things
? But if, as Reznor, we believe that "love is not enough", we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion and high passion. We understand that there are things more important in our life and in our relationship than just being in love. And the success of our relations depends on the deeper and more important values.

Three bitter truth about love
The problem with the idealization of love that we develop unrealistic expectations about what is actually love, and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations and then sabotaged the very relationships that we hold dear in the first place. Let me illustrate:

1. Love is not always the same compatibility.
Just the fact that you fell in love with someone, does not mean that it is a good partner for you in the long term. Love - emotional process compatibility - logical process. And they do not necessarily transform into each other.
You can fall in love with a man who does not belong to you well, makes you feel and think about yourself worse than you are, does not respect you as much as you respect it, or who are so unsettled life that he can do so and your - derailed
. You can fall in love with one who has other ambitions and goals in life, contrary to your own, or in addition, whose philosophical beliefs or worldview in conflict with your sense of reality.
You can fall in love with someone who pulls you out of the power of life and happiness.
It is paradoxical, but true.

When I think of all the catastrophic relationships that I have met people who have written me letters, most of them turned out to be in such a situation because of the emotions. They felt that very notorious "spark", and they took down the roof. I do not care that he was a Christian, an alcoholic, and she was a drug addict-bisexual-nekrofilkoy. All the same, it seemed like it -. Correctly
And six months later when she was throwing his shit on the lawn, and he prayed to Jesus to 12 times a day to save her, they looked around and wondered, "Where it all went wrong?»
In fact, everything went wrong even before it began.
When you meet and are looking for a partner, you should be guided not only your heart, but also the mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter, and butterflies in the stomach - to sing. But you also need to assess the person and the way he relates to people, what his ambitions and outlook. Because if you fall in love with a man who does not suit you ... well, once told a ski instructor from the animated series South Park, you have come a bad time.

2. Love does not solve relationship problems.
We with my first girlfriend was madly in love with each other. Also, we lived in different cities, we did not have the money to see our families hated each other, and we went through weekly episodes of senseless quarrels and dramas.
And every time we fight, the next day we got together and remind ourselves that we are crazy about each other, and that none of the small things does not matter, because we taaaaaaak love each other, and certainly find a way to all decide just have to wait and see. Our love makes us feel that we can overcome all, in fact absolutely nothing has changed.
As you know, none of the problems have not been solved. Quarrels were repeated. Arguments became tougher. Our failure to even see each other hung on our necks like a yoke. We were self-absorbed to the point where you could not even really communicate normally. We hung out for hours on the phone and almost did not say anything. Now, looking back, I realize that there was no hope. But, nevertheless, it lasted for three fucking years!
In the end, love conquers all, right?
Not surprisingly, the relationship broke up and caught fire as the airship Hindenburg in flames. The gap was terrible. And I have learned from this relationship a great lesson: while love makes you feel better about your life's problems, it does not solve any of them
. The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each conquered height seems all the more impressive, but as long as we do not appear stable solid ground under their feet, a surge of emotion eventually wash away everything.

3. Love is not always worth it to sacrifice themselves.
One of the important characteristics of love for someone - your ability to think about the person, his needs more than currently. But the question that is asked quite rare: "What you sacrifice for the other, and whether it's worth it»
The love relationship is normal for both sometimes sacrifice their desires, their needs and their time for each other. I would say that it is adequate and healthy behavior and that it makes the relationship really cool.
But when it comes to damage their own respect, self-esteem, physical condition, ambition and purpose in life just for the sake of being with someone, love becomes problematic. Love relationships are assumed as an addition to our individuality, not a threat to her or her replacement.
If we find ourselves in a situation where we tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior, then, in essence, we do the following: we allow our love to devour us and reduce us to nothing. If we are not careful, it will remain only as a human shell, which had once been.

Test
friendship One of the tips on the relationship sounds like "You and your partner need to be best friends." Most people consider this advice only from the positive side: "I should spend as much time with your partner, how much, and with your best friend," "I should communicate openly with your partner like your best friend," "I should have fun with your partner as well, I'm having fun with your best friend. »
But it is necessary to look at the situation and a negative angle: "Do you allow your best friend to act as a negative, the behavior of the second half?»
Surprisingly, when we ask ourselves this question, in most of the patients or dependent relationship, the answer is "no».
I knew a woman who had just married. She's madly in love with her husband. And she did not notice the fact that her husband was slacking out of work for a year, does not show any interest in the preparation of wedding, and often throws it for the sake of surfing with friends, and her family and friends do not really believe in it. Despite all that she married him.
But when the emotional heat has dried the wedding, there was a reality. A year after the marriage, he still did not work and the garbage in the house while she was working, he was angry, if she does not have time to cook dinner, and, increasingly, she complained that he calls it "spoiled" and "rough". And yes, he's still throwing it for surfing with his friends.
And she got into this situation, because the three ignored the bitter truth about the love described above. It is idealized love. In spite of all the signs that he gave, when they met, it is believed that love is compatibility. But it does not mean. When her family and friends have expressed concern about the wedding, she believed that love will solve all problems. But this did not happen. And now, when everything has slipped into a pile of shit, she turned to friends for advice, she can sacrifice themselves even more to get by.
And, in truth, nothing.

Why in our romantic relationships we tolerate behavior that never would never have allowed a friend?
Imagine that your best friend moves to you, trash in your home, refuses to look for a job requires him to cook dinner, and angry, and yells at you when you complain. This friendship will end faster than the career of actress Paris Hilton.
Another situation. one man girl was so jealous that require passwords on all of his account and insisted to accompany him in all his travels, he was not tempted to other women. His life was practically under 24-hour surveillance, 7 days a week. And it was evident from his self-esteem. She did not trust him to do anything. He has ceased to trust yourself.
Still, he remained with her! Why? Because he loved!

Remember this: The only way to get the full pleasure of love - is to find in life something more important than love
. You can love many different people throughout your life. You can love those who are good for you, and those who are bad for you. You can be provided in a simple and romantic relationships in complex. You can enjoy when you are young and when you are old. Love is not unique. Love is not rare. Love -. Not a scarce commodity
In contrast to your self-esteem. Your self-esteem. Your ability to trust. You can not just for his life to be in love, but once you lose self-esteem, self-esteem and ability to trust, they will be very difficult to return.
Love - it is a wonderful experience. This is one of the most impressive experiences that life has to offer us. And it is something that everyone should experience and enjoy.
But, like any experience, it can be a healthy and unhealthy. Like any other experience, it does not define you, your identity and purpose in life. We can not let him kill us. We can not sacrifice our personality and his self-esteem. Because when we do that, we lose love and self.

Because in life you want more than love. Love is great. Love needed. Love is beautiful. But love alone is not enough.