In 1967, John Lennon wrote the song «All you need is love» He also: both beat their wives, threw one of his children, showered homophobic and anti-Semitic insults his Jewish manager gay, and once a day in front of a crowd of people was lying completely naked.
Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor of the band Nine Inch Nails wrote the song «Love is not enough» Reznor, despite his fame shocking performances on stage and grotesque alarming clips rid of drug and alcohol addiction, married a woman started her two children, and then cancel the subsequent studio and touring to stay home and be a good husband and father.
One of these men are clear and realistic understanding of love. The other - no. One idealizes love, seeing in it the solution to all problems. The other - no. One of them, probably suffered from narcissism. The second - no.
In our culture, many idealized love. We see it as a panacea for all the sublime life problems. Our films and history books say it as the ultimate goal of life, the final disposal of all the painful struggle. And because of what we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, it is necessary to pay for our relations.
When we believe that "all we need is love," as Lennon, we tend to ignore the fundamental values: respect, humility and commitment to the people who cared about. After all, if love is everything, why should I bother myself with other things - so complex?
But if, as Reznor, we believe that "love is not enough," we understand that the healthy relationship requires more than just pure emotion or passion high We understand that there are things more important in our lives and in our relationship than just being in love. And the success of our relations depends on the deeper and more important values.
Three bitter truth about lyubviProblema with the idealization of love that we develop unrealistic expectations about what is actually love and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotaged the very relationships that we value first. Let me illustrate:
1. Love does not always coincide with sovmestimostyuTolko the fact that you fell in love with someone does not mean that it is a good partner for you in the long term. Love - emotional process compatibility - logical process And they are not necessarily into each other.
You can fall in love with someone who does not treat you well, it makes you feel and think about yourself worse than you are, does not respect you as much as you respect it, or who are so unsettled life that he can do so, and Your derailed.
You can fall in love with someone who has other ambitions and goals in life that are contrary to your own, or one whose philosophical beliefs or worldview conflict with your sense of reality.
You can fall in love with someone who pulls you out of the power of life and happiness
It's ironic, but true.
When I think of all the catastrophic relationship that I have met people who have written me letters, then I come to the conclusion that most of them are in this situation due to emotions. They felt that same notorious "spark", and they took down the roof. I do not care that he was a Christian, an alcoholic, and she - a drug addict-bisexual-nekrofilkoy. Anyway, it seemed like it - right.
And when six months later, she left him shit on the lawn, and he prayed to Jesus to 12 times a day to save her, they suddenly looked around and wondered: "What is the time it all went wrong?»
In fact, everything went wrong before you started.
When you are dating and looking for a partner, you should be guided not only your heart, but also the mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter, and the butterflies in my stomach - sing. But you also need to assess the person and the way he relates to people, what his ambitions and outlook. Because if you fall in love with a man who does not suit you - as once said, a ski instructor from the animated series South Park - you will come a bad time.
2. Love otnosheniyMy not solve the problem with my first girlfriend I was madly in love with each other. Also, we lived in different cities, we had no money to see our families hated each other, and we went through the weekly episodes of senseless quarrels and dramas.
And every time we fight, the next day we got together and remind ourselves that we are crazy about each other, and that none of the little things do not matter, because we are the one-and-and-and-a- a-ak love each other, and certainly find a way to solve all, you only need to wait and see. Our love makes us feel that we can overcome all, in fact absolutely nothing changed
As you know, none of the problems not solved. Quarrels repeated. Arguments became tougher. Our failure to even see each other hung on our necks like a yoke. We were self-absorbed to the point where you could not even really communicate normally. We spent hours on the phone and hung almost did not say anything. Now, looking back, I realize that there was no hope. But, nevertheless, it lasted for three fucking years!
In the end, love conquers all, right?
Not surprisingly, the relationship broke up and caught fire as the airship Hindenburg in flames. The gap was terrible. And I have learned from this relationship a great lesson: while love makes you feel better with your life's problems, it does not solve any of them.
The roller coaster of emotions can be intoxicating, each conquered height seems more impressive, but as long as we do not appear stable solid ground under their feet, rush of emotion eventually wash away everything.
3. Love is not always worth the sacrifice soboyOdna of the important characteristics of love for someone - your ability to think about the man, his needs more than currently. But the question that is asked quite rare: «What you sacrifice for the other, and is it worth it?»
The love relationship is normal for both sometimes sacrifice their desires, their needs and their time for the sake of another. I would say that it is adequate and healthy behavior and that it makes the relationship really cool.
But when it comes to respect for property damage, self-esteem, physical condition, ambition and purpose in life for the sake of being with someone, love becomes problematic. Love relationships are assumed in addition to our individuality, not a threat to her or her replacement.
If we find ourselves in a situation where we suffer disrespectful or offensive behavior, then, in fact, we do the following: we allow our love to devour us and to bring us to naught If we are not careful, it will remain only as a shell of a man who had once been.
Test druzhbuOdin of the tips on the relationship sounds like this: «You and your partner need to be best friends» Most people consider this advice only from the positive side: "I should spend as much time with your partner, how much and best friend", "I should communicate openly with your partner as your best friend," "I should have fun with your partner as well, I'm having fun with my best friend ».
But it is necessary to look at the situation and a negative angle: «Do you allow your best friend to act as a negative, the behavior of the second half?»
Surprisingly, when we ask ourselves this question, in most of the patients or dependent relationship answer is "no».
I knew one woman who had just married. She's madly in love with her fiance. And she did not notice the fact that he was slacking out of work for a year, does not show any interest in the preparation of the wedding, and often throws her for surfing with friends, and her family and friends do not really believe in it. Despite all this, she married him.
But when the emotional heat has dried up the wedding, there was the reality. A year after the marriage, he still did not work and the garbage in the house while she was working, he was angry, if she does not have time to cook dinner, and, increasingly, she complained that he calls it "spoiled" and "rude." And, yes, he's still throwing her for surfing with his friends.
And she got into this situation, because it ignored the three bitter truth about the love described above. She idealized love. Despite all the signs that he gave, when they met, she believed that love is compatibility. But she does not. When her family and friends have expressed concern over the wedding, she believed that love will solve all problems. But this did not happen. And now, when all slipped into a pile of shit, she turned to a friend for advice on how it can sacrifice himself even more to get by.
And, in truth, nothing.
Why in our romantic relationships we tolerate behavior that has never and would not allow friends?
Imagine that your best friend moves to you, trash in your home, refuses to look for work, needs to cook him dinner and gets angry and yells at you when you complain. This friendship is over faster than Paris Hilton's career as an actress.
Another situation. Girl one man was so jealous that require passwords from all its accounts and insisted to accompany him in all his journeys to avoid being seduced by other women. His life was almost at a 24-hour surveillance, 7 days a week. And it was evident from his self-esteem. She did not trust him to do anything. He ceased to trust yourself.
Still, he remained with her! Why is that? Because he loved!
Remember this: the only way to get the full pleasure of love - is to find in life something more important than love.
You can love many different people throughout your life. You can love those who are good for you, and those who are bad for you. You can have a simple romantic relationships and complex. You can love when you're young and when you are old. Love is not unique. Love is not rare. Love - not a scarce commodity.
Unlike your self-esteem. Your self-esteem. Your ability to trust. You do not have time for your life to be in love, but when you lose self-respect, self-esteem and ability to trust, they will be very difficult to return.
Love - it's a wonderful experience. This is one of the most impressive experiences that life has to offer us. And this is something that everyone should experience and enjoy what.
But, like any experience, it can be healthy and unhealthy. Like any other experience, it should not define you, your identity and purpose in life. We can not allow it to destroy us. We can not sacrifice our personality and his self-esteem. Because when we do that, we lose the love and yourself.
Because in life, you need more than love. Love is great. Love needed. Love is beautiful. But love alone is not enough.
Author - Mark Manson.
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