I used to think that it is necessary to provide assistance to all and always, just pay people to happiness. And I am very upset when my genius smart tips and articles remains unclaimed and are not applied in life.
In the most difficult periods I accept hate ungrateful people who do not understand what a gift and light them I am. I to promise to do something for others. But from this hatred is not born any good. Over time, let me go, and I began to write again.
Sometimes I get a word of thanks, I have to warm reviews, and it's some time gave me solace.
But I was always concerned with the question - why people do not take care, that so generously distributed free?
It would seem that you eat - do not want, what you do not eat as well? For you also, you bastard, I try. For you to be happy and successful.
And then I realized.
Five years ago, I participated in the seminar, which was provided the opportunity to get answers to their questions. To do this I had to fill out a form and send it to the master. I promise to answer and give recommendations for life.
Fill out the form and I waited. Waited, waited, and the answer was still no. I was overwhelmed with anger and resentment - as I was so deceived. I shared my thoughts with a person who many times was at a seminar of this master. And he said to me: "Mary, in your voice there is no request for assistance." I wondered: "How is it not?". And he told me something like: "You're the one is the question. You should be able to question and not get a response ».
I did not understand what that means. But if it heard the person who just attended the seminars, the Master surely understood.
Povozmuschalis a little, I took it as the truth. Something inside tells us that the way it is.
And after a while I really became very difficult, and at that moment I realized that this - true calling for help. I wrote a master, I ask your question, and he answered me.
In the situation, I came to understand: as long as people are not ready to hear the answer, until he longs for help, he had never been able to take full measure.
Any help would be like eating in a crowded stomach. Something may go down, but in principle, need to be prepared that a person sick.
I want to tell you two parables.
The first - about a dog on a nail:
One day a man was walking past a house and saw an old woman in a rocking chair, beside her rocking chair old man reading a newspaper, and between them lay on the porch, and the dog whined, as if in pain. Passing the man himself wondered why the dog whines. The next day he again walked past the house. He saw the aged couple in a rocking chair and a dog lying between them and publish the same plaintive sound. Puzzled man promised myself that if tomorrow the dog will whine, he asks about it from an elderly couple. On the third day, to his misfortune, he saw the same scene: the old lady in the rocking chair, an old man reading a newspaper and the dog in his place whined piteously. He could no longer stand it.
- Excuse me, ma'am, - he said to the old woman - What happened to your dog?
- With her? - She asked. - She is lying on a nail.
Embarrassed by her answer the man asked:
- If it is a nail and hurt her, why she just did not get up?
The old woman smiled and said, affable, gentle voice:
- So, my dear, it hurts so much to whine, but not enough to budge.
The second parable about the teacher and the student, who came for advice as he know the wisdom of life. The answer to this question, the teacher took the student and lowered his head in a bucket of water. I keep it there until the student did not escape. When a student asked what it was, the teacher said, "How much do you like the air when he was there?" The student replied that he really wanted to, and that was the only thing he could think of. And the teacher said, "When you want to know the wisdom of life as well as the air and now, you will know it».
I discovered a few truths:
1. Very often, people do not need help. They hurt to whine about it, but not enough to do something.
They surf the Internet for tips and ideas absorb tons of information every day, consuming everything from pink citations to philosophical reflection on the theme of happiness and life.
But they do not need to REALLY solve the problem.
Yes, some problems, in general, is. But they are tolerant. That is not so complicate life to get out of the nail and think only about how to find a solution.
Not to mention the fact that the most effective tips can be very unpleasant to perform. For example, take responsibility for your life only for themselves and stop push aside the blame on others.
Why is it so hard, I'd better find something lighter. For example - how to raise the energy of women shopping. Simple, effective, happily.
Think about life, do some exercise - that will not do ... It is necessary to quickly and relaxed.
It is better to anesthetize than to operate. Better to stick a band-aid than a lavage.
2. Helping violently, you deprive people of independence, choice, hindering to take responsibility for their lives.
Everyone should make assistance to their personal choice.
There are people who constantly allude to the fact that they need help. In doing so, we do not cook for themselves to do. If you have an inner need to help you rushes to the rescue. But because of you need not care, but just note here begins all: "What you climb into my life, I'm nothing ask, I did as you said and see how it is now terrible, that's all your fault ... »
Such people do not know how to be adults. They do not know how to ask for help. They think that it is beneath their dignity. So they will do everything so that others began to offer this assistance. Because in this case, you can safely refuse otbrykivatsya do arrogant face and say that you do for me then decided, and that I really was not necessary. And anyway, I did not ask.
The position of the victim and the circumstances nesmyslenysha very tricky. And it is very manipulative. It is full of strength and power. Much more than meets the eye.
To illustrate the principle of non-interference again reminded of the parable. It is about a man who wanted to help the butterfly to get out of its cocoon. He saw how hard she has to get out of, and therefore opened his knife. But when the light turned out to be a butterfly, its wings were not able to fly. They would become so if she was able to get through their own cocoon and become stronger in its efforts. And so she stayed with underdeveloped wings and never flew.
People develop by overcoming. So they create a comfortable environment - hence making them weaker. If they need help, let her learn to ask. There is nothing noble in being higher requests for assistance. It's kind of a narcissistic structure, and it definitely does not have to be something very sublime and sacred.
3. People get much more value without solving their problems.
This is called secondary gain.
In whatever difficult situation a person may be, if he does not do anything to get out, so he has some secondary benefit: no increase, no change, receive bonuses remain infantile, etc.
There are hundreds of stories about sick people who do not recover because, becoming healthier, stop getting attention. Up to the fact that families are saved only as long as someone is ill. You can not throw a sick person. A patient and happy to try - to be ill.
Coming to such a person with a sincere motivation to help recover and get back sabotage and aggression. He does not need to be treated. He must be sick.
4. Everyone has their own path, their own karma, everyone gets as much as earned by their actions.
When I want someone to help, then I think that they need it to relieve their condition. But how do I know all of his task in destiny? How can I decide for God (the universe, the soul) that is necessary for this or that person. Everyone has his own path. And I know that many of my findings and wisdom (if you can call it) come to me only because I was sitting in my sorrows as long as she did not at all understand. And to understand the forces appeared only when hatched. This is called a "push from the bottom." Recovery begins when absolutely unbearable. But not when the kind of approx.
5. Each person has their own neuroses, values and attitudes.
If the Vedic women will help an expert on success, there will be conflict. Although each of them believe that their way is true and correct.
So before you offer assistance, it would be good to understand, and not whether it will interfere with what is already there. Take that vision of life in another person can be very different from yours.
All these truths are true for the vast majority of people. And I'm the same. There are questions that cry out about the decision, then I will give it my full attention. And there are questions that hang in the background. Of course, it would be good that they somehow decided, but, in general, much strain to deal with them, I will not.
Today, I am glad that the seminar on the master is not played up to me in my manipulative game "do me good, and I like to do with affairs».
There is nothing to be ashamed to ask for help. If I need it, I call her. At first it was not easy. But now I'm much more comfortable talking directly what you need. I expect the same from others.
So I decided for myself that I will help only if asked to do so. And no hints, saying, "Oh, what a headache" in the hope that I myself throw myself to find out what and how, specifically: "Have pity on me, support me, soothe me," etc.
Their needs have to learn to be aware of and requests - to be able to voice. I do not think out and do not try to guess. I ask, "How exactly can I help you?" And do not play games, "Guess what I offended».
But the study of the issue by one of the only side to have not ended.
Because again there are those who help, then, there are those who are helping. And from them in this situation depends as much on asylum.
When I "assist" I proceed from the assumption that the other person really needed my help. And most importantly, I think I know what he needs.
But it is not so.
Recently, a good man like me to "help", trying to make me better. But for me it was not using, and collisions. So I replied that she'll decide if I want to be better or not.
Help even stems from the most well-intentioned, it may be an illusion. And sometimes banal violence.
What motives are driven by "help»?
It is not always clean and bright.
1. Assume that helps sincerely believes he knows how to be the best for another.
Sometimes this is true and sometimes not. Before you offer something better, it would be good to know whether the other is ready for this better? Often it is not ready. Why? See. The first five points.
2. Help is trying to assert itself at the expense of another, to meet their needs.
Such aid is particularly painful. It is either through criticism, wrapped in a wrapper of care: "You are terrible cook. I'm telling you this so that you thought better of it and was the best hostess "or through passive aggression:" Something you look bad. Let me give you the number of your beautician? "Or pursue selfish interests," I want to help you to reveal her femininity, so you have to sleep with me ».
3. Helping wants to raise its own significance for themselves and for others.
Such people feel very, very noble bearing light, knowledge, and joy to others. When they "help", they feel the saints, realizing the great mission. They will stack ego begins to glow brighter halo. It's very important and beautiful - to educate the ignorant, to make the blind to see, and healthy persons with disabilities.
Unfortunately, this often happens with the helping professions - trainers, coaches, psychologists. They are stuck in their professional identity. They feel alive only as long as help. In their posts in social networks, they are constantly being told how to live happy and to help people that their work is the best, there is no greater joy than to wake up in the morning, and come up with another program to bring dark humanity to a brighter future.
At first it was cool. It invigorates and makes you so klaaasnenkiiim and the world - a bright and smiling. Plus, it seems: you just gave up a great tool that now you know how to handle, so we should try to fix all of this tool. Otherwise - why studied?
I had the same. When I first began studying Gestalt therapy, I'm so much of kayfovat opened before me opportunities. I went and told everyone that we must live consciously and most sincerely, that we should all understand himself, poking around in their projections and introjects deploy retroflection etc.
Well, that life has given me the possibility to rest on their laurels this knowledge. If at that time I had hundreds of followers, the crown would be rooted to the skull tightly, and see something else other than the chosen point of view, there would be no chance.
Instead, I had to face misunderstanding, rejection, I raged - how do these fools do not understand anything. I rushed to help, but it turns out that no one needs. I experienced a lot of different unpleasant emotions. I experienced true passion MAT sincerely wept and swore never anything not to tell anyone else. Come up with a cure for all diseases, to inform you that I have it, and go with him to the mountains. And wait. Wait, when all these ignoramuses come crawling to me and will beg to share the light of wisdom. And I, too have come down to them and otsyplyu bit.
I've been hiding from these thoughts. Until I realized that I was not so alone. With such a problem faced by a large number of help. They just suffer from the fact that they do not like, do not take, do not appreciate, do not wear on their hands.
When people are assisted, they do it primarily for themselves.
I realized the importance of external recognition I needed because I did not feel self-importance for itself. Helping others gave the feeling that I do so Nitsche.
It took a long time before I found a way out of this trap. I realized that helping others - this is not about holiness, exclusivity and feature recognition and others have no effect on my sense of self.
It is easy to live when you change the lives of others. It's hard to live a normal life of this world, no thanks and worship.
So first of all it is necessary to understand helpers with these questions:
Who are you without your helping others?
What will happen to you if you do not will be no one who needs your help and your bright ideas?
Very good work with holiness and the crown helps self-irony. Once I start to feel like a star on the way, I return to reality itself.
Now I have no one to help. Training and therapy - it's my job. But now I do not expect that it will all need and that it will appreciate. It gives me the freedom I am no longer a hostage to its own expectations. As they say, "do not wake the sleeping, helps to awaken».
Everyone makes his choice: to help or not to help, ask for help or ask for help. The main thing - to be as honest with ourselves.
If you are helping out, ask yourself:
· Why are you helping?
· Who do you help?
If you are one of those who need help, ask yourself:
· Are you willing to ask for help?
· Are you willing to accept help?
No force can not be helped, no one can be saved without his knowledge. Everyone goes his own way. And if in this way it deems someone or something useful, he chooses to stay close for a while. And then again to continue on his way. And if you want to help, I suggest, but do not insist.
And finally, a classic that is not always obvious help - this is something that is necessary.