It starts nicely: Goodbye, tender, long conversations, when every little thing seems important, caring for each other. It takes a year or two, and begin to develop relationships not quite as dream come grudges and quarrels. Familiar?
Website published an article by psychologist Irina Chesnova of 10 misconceptions that hinder build a happy relationship. They are really quite aware of and avoid in their lives. By the way, it works not only in the relationship between man and woman, but also with parents, children and friends.
1. Focus on stereotypes h3> Very often in life we focus on generally accepted cultural myths, gender or parental installation instructions.
"All the blondes - fools and chiefs - idiots", "Boys do not cry, girls do not fight", "You can not feel for the beloved negative feelings", "In a happy family people still spend their free time together," "True love does not happen without pain and suffering ».
Stereotypes greatly hinder and limit our lives. Dreaming about relationships, we as "product" Hard gender education, often not looking for a man, not a person - and features. "A man must be single-minded and competitive", "A woman should be feminine and fully devote themselves to the family." As a result, we are not ready to accept a particular person as he is, to put up with its shortcomings or weaknesses, even if we like it and fit.
2. illusions and unrealistic expectations
In any relationship - and especially love - we accept their suitcases (often unconscious) hope and fantasy. We draw yourself a nice picture of the future, assign favorite perfect features. We build it into their lives, even if we still do not promised.
This may also include the illusion that we can control another person's wishes and feelings, to get to do what we need. And the illusion that marriage - the inviolable sanctuary, and the one who is close - with us forever. What he looks at life in the same way as we do, and feels the same.
For those expectations again, a real person disappears. We cherish their own dream, and the one who is actually in front of us and what he can not see.
3. Excessive, unnecessary requirements h3> And when we showed on the horizon prince in his life already built in, the future of children names came up, everything, everything painted, there is this: "What is it you do not do what I expect?" "You are a man - you have to," "You're a woman - you have».
4. The desire to remake another h3> Many of us love is associated with the similarity. The feeling that we think the same way, love is the same, creates the illusion of intimacy, unity and security. And in this cloudless merging each difference, otherness perceived very painful. "You're not (ouch), I imagined (a), you feel different, you have a different opinion, you do not know me - then you do not love me," or "We are not right for each other." "You nezhalostlivy (unstable, failure)," or "You're a tough (non-economic, are not supported)." "Why? Change! Become another (second)! Give up the hobby / leave your job / Lose / change hairstyle ».
And people do not understand that if they loved each other as imperfect, then, for some reason. Change the other person can not. Will not work. Only if he wants to change.
5. Attempts to dominate the relationship h3> As well as the desire to be chief, to lead, supervise, advise, take care to own another person completely, to strangle him with his love, and to impose their idea of happiness. In more severe cases - to suppress, to devalue and violate the border, feeling at the same time strong and right.
You can see it all at the beginning of a relationship? Can! There are certain personality types that, carried away by someone, give the status of the object of adoration of exclusivity. At the stage of courtship, he (if male) will blow you a speck of dust, wear on their hands, bathing and cradled in his care, to tell everyone what you are wonderful and the most-most. But as soon as the tremors subside adoration, you are suddenly surprised to find that was severe and total depreciation: you will point to deficiencies, to complain, insult and hard to transform from a princess in Cinderella.
So advice: do not buy into the care, do not get involved in a relationship before you get to know the person. See not only on the way a person relates to you now. See how it relates to other people (parents, friends, colleagues, her ex). What about them said how they communicate. And it turns out - loved, loved, and once started living together (married, had a child), he suddenly turned into a beast. He did not turn, he always had it.
6. The reverse side of the preceding paragraph:
loss of self in relationships h3> Ready to dissolve in a loved one, to fulfill all his desires, constantly adjust, to give, to sacrifice themselves to save ("without me something lost"), humiliate or belittle yourself. And deep down, wait for the reward of sacrifice - wait for gratitude, devotion, a dedication or even ghostly "someday he'll understand!».
If you do not feel self-worth, the people around them, alas, too, will not appreciate and respect you. If you do not love yourself, no one will love you the way you that you think deserve.
7. Violation of communication h3> This is when, instead of an open and secure communications, requests for clear, calm discussion desires reflect their own feelings and compromise take place criticism, complaints, recriminations, assaults and conflicting messages. When listening, but do not hear, that just is not so - slamming doors, suspended, silent. Or think, "He must guess what I want».
8. Games h3> Now, the sensations, this once more become in our lives. Maintain a list of conquered and subsequently broken hearts, "I will deny it, let me run" and symmetrical "The less we love a woman, the better she likes us».
Criteria of the "game" (as well as any other unhealthy relationships) - lack of respect for the other person and neglect of self-esteem.
Just get rid of the illusion that one day will grow into a strong game, partnerships. Where there is no (self) respect in the beginning, it will not be ever. As a result, you'll find that a) it is not love, your relationship is no basis, base; b) you do not know how to negotiate with a partner of the importance; c) you generally have no idea about who is in front of you.
And if you think that the game - a reflection of the bright and busy life, then you're right at 100%. It's really bright and rich, but just a reflection of this life.
9. The desire to be what you are not - it is better or worse than you really are h3> Once I heard about the "theory of rotten bananas". Each of us has his negative traits. And at the beginning of a relationship we tend to hide these 'rotten bananas "behind his back, sticking out all the good and bright. And when the object of this kind and light bite, here we are rotten bananas, and lectured him: "-What is it? - And this is my character, be patient! »
If we can not be themselves, these might need something to "fix" in his attitude and self-esteem.
10. But perhaps the most important mistake - it is fear. H3> to be afraid to express themselves, afraid of intimacy, absorption or, conversely, loneliness, afraid to choose the "wrong" or make a mistake.
Any mistake - this is a valuable experience, and the need to retain a right to it, because that's what bugs help us learn something new.
Remember: even if you repeatedly build a relationship "with the wrong" people and step on the same rake, then the rake you for something needed. They help us understand what is wrong and what to do differently.
Everything that happens in your life - the right person for you. And if you have failed if split up with someone, then it is not the man who was at the moment you need.
«Our not escape us. And the fact that it took, it was not ours ».
Author: Irina Chesnova
Preview: Rob Scotton