How to learn how to quarrel


Conflicts are inevitable even in the most harmonious relationship. But, as it turns out, you can quarrel in different ways: either save even more insults and innuendo, or make a step towards mutual understanding.

Today Website with the psychologist Irina Chesnova tell what mistakes we often assume when quarrels and how to learn to swear efficiently and without consequences.

It is considered that lead to the disintegration of relationships frequent quarrels, the difference between the characters, misunderstanding. But it is not so. More often than not lead to the collapse of the conflicts themselves, and our abnormal stereotyped behavior in them.

Famous Family expert Professor John Gottman identifies "four horsemen of the apocalypse" 4 behaviors that undermine the security and confidence in the pair.

1. Criticisms h3> «I'm tired of your carelessness!", "How many times do you say that!" "You're always ..." "You never ..." "Why are you again ...?". < br />

2. Contempt h3> This is a rolling of eyes in response to some words / actions of a partner, raspberries, ridicule, podkoly, acrid, evil jokes and phrases such as "Yes, what you're able to do?».

3. Protective behavior h3> «The fool", "You look at yourself ..." "It's your fault," "The problem is you, not me!" And so on. It also includes the denial of personal responsibility, the reluctance to acknowledge mistakes and wrong, ask for forgiveness.

4. "Cold wall» h3> That is detached icy silence as a way to punish the partner dissociate itself from him to leave, slamming the door.

If these behaviors are practiced every day, love will not live long. Together and live happily together only those couples who know how to quarrel properly. The 7 rules taught finally swear without hysteria and to achieve results even in the most emotional moments.

you do not use an escape as a way of resolving the conflict (that is, do not go away, slamming the door, do not turn in on themselves). But at the same time each of you knows that he can take a break if he needs to gather his thoughts, cool or relieve tension.

At the same time your partner is sensitive to it, even if he himself does not need too much time, it is full of arguments and he is ready to immediately "rush into battle».

You do not hoard omissions, anger and resentment, and therefore no quarrels in your excessive emotionality (not to be confused with the violent showdown as the embodiment of sexual games). If you do not like the behavior of a loved one, you will not be silent and do not suffer, hoping that it will change by itself, or that you have you can handle it, and immediately (ie immediately) give calm feedback: "I hate, do not do that, please!»
You quarrel in an environment of trust and security. in your life that is not here, "Shut up, woman, your day - March 8!" or "What do you know silence would be!". Even though the differences, each of you knows that it is entitled to their opinion, to be heard and taken into account necessarily.
You are focused on problem solving, rather than recrimination, nagging and accusations. You are not impaired, do not criticize each other, do not stick labels and do not give negative personal characteristics, do not blame someone one. < br />
If you are dissatisfied with something, you talk about yourself, about your feelings. "I do not like (disappointing, sad, painful, irritating, very sorry, and so on.) That (when) ..." - followed by concrete (!), And non-judgmental (!) A description of actions that actually do not like. "I suggest (I am, I want)" - you say, how you would look for ideal development of the situation or similar situations in the future.
You have always made it clear to the partner that he is loved, even if he made a mistake, stumbled behaved ugly. You take a single tandem to society, the extended family and their children.
The only possible way to resolve conflict situations - this cooperation. That is, each of you expresses its position, its disagreement with respect to the position of partner, voiced their needs, talks about his interests and his vision. And you are looking for a solution that will satisfy both of you. Always.
If for some reason it is impossible to cooperate, we can find a compromise. Good work compensation system: "You work hard, and there are not enough homes. I suffer from it, but it would be easier if: a) once a week you will come early and together we will go out; b) In one weekend you will let me alone for a meeting with her friends, for shopping, and so on. "

Do not forget that, with rare exceptions, do not go for a simple assignment, realizing that such behavior leads to an accumulation of internal dissatisfaction and discomfort.

It should be emphasized that because those couples quarrel, in which there are no problems with communication in which there is intimacy (trust, openness, support).
However, if your argument is still more like a scandal than to talk of civilized people, do not despair. Now you know how to quarrel right.

Author: Irina Chesnova



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