Remember once and for all these warning signs when meeting! Do not be an idiot, choosing a partner ...
I thought for a while, picking the headline to this post. The wording may seem rough, but when it comes to choosing a partner - I can not find a suitable alternative. And here's why.
I have spent the last few years, interviewing more than 700 older people about love, relationships and marriage (described in my book). I tried to reflect their advice in this study. Behind my back, I heard the voice of the wise old men who cry to young: "Do not be an idiot, choosing a partner!».
Again and again, when it comes to marriage, the elderly point to poor decisions, which to no good in a relationship do not lead. Old people believe that there is a set of signs, noting that, should leave the relationship. However, many people ignore these signs and still married, and, according to the elderly, and then going through a terrible period, or even horrible life together, suffering from the consequences of their stupid decisions.
Sifting through hundreds of responses, I learned that there are four warning signs to learn about which you should cancel its decision to marry. Many people know very well what kind of signs, but they hope that the partner will change, or that all this will not matter much. Old people believe that such self-deception is a huge mistake.
And please note: for those of you who are already in a relationship, these warnings are still in force. These signs can help determine whether you need to fix something in a marriage or the time to do away with it:
Warning sign # 1: Violence of any kind
Yes, this view is obvious. But I have to put it in the first place, because, despite warnings by researchers, doctors and psychologists, people make this mistake monstrously often. They marry with those who used violent means to them still in the early stages of a relationship.
This elderly are clear: if your partner beats you, or trying to hurt you in another plane, run away from him. If this happens while you are dating, it will be repeated in marriage.
Says Joanna, 84 years old:
- Never, ever mess with someone who abuses you physically because you're supposedly "asking for trouble." They can say that will change, and you may think that you will help them to change, but this does not happen. I tried to change it, I did not work ... and I left. No matter how many times these people tell you that they are sorry and that they would never resort to violence. You will see that this is not so.
I could spend a lot of time telling you what the error committed elderly, tying his life to those who allow themselves to violence against them, and what this means after marriage. But you probably do hear many such stories. And be able to recognize this sign.
Warning sign # 2: Unexplained anger during visits
Old people believe that a huge warning sign is the explosive nature, when a person gives way to anger with or without. From such a person, according to the older generation, should stay away.
The most important thing to remember: first, these outbursts of anger may be directed at you. As the old man said, while dating people can keep their anger toward the future partner under control. Therefore, you should carefully observe how the partner behaves towards other people and leading out of equilibrium situations.
As I told Annette, 76 years old, who was lucky to escape an alliance with an angry man; man:
- I made an appointment with a man in the city subway and we missed the train because we were on the wrong side of the platform. He was so angry that when we walked down the stairs, he spoke terrible words and threw down a handful of change. When it happened, I looked at the man and realized: "It's not the one with whom I want to connect my life».
Never mind that it was only for a minute. Such situations are quite eloquent. You can tell a lot about a person by how he reacts, the aircraft missing or lost luggage, or finding themselves without an umbrella in the pouring rain. If people would just stand, cursing everything in the world, think about whether you want to spend your life with a person with similar habits.
In fiction or a movie this type may be attractive in its own way. But according to the experience of many generations like a warning sign (uncontrolled anger towards anything or anyone else) can not be ignored.
Warning sign # 3: lies in the large things and small things
Everybody lies on the little things (for example, answering the question "These pants I do not look fat?"). But the old man calling to be very attentive to those who lie constantly. In fact, unfair to your partner's attitude can, in fact, spoil everything.
Warns Pamela '91:
- When a person suddenly comes home. Lying about where and with whom and what was done. Suspicious phone calls. And things like that. Trust - this is a very fragile thing, once lost it is very difficult to recover again. You can try to forget about these things, but your suspicion is still not going anywhere.
Old people also suggest you to pay attention to even small examples lie in the behavior of your potential partner. Con if he or she tests? Steals whether small items from work? Regularly lying to get out? Old people believe that this is the warning signs, which will eventually show up in your relationship.
Warning sign # 4: sarcasm and teasing
The problem with these two habits that people often said that it was "for fun." And when you get angry in return - you get charged in the absence of a sense of humor. Old people are advised to stay away from those who can not contain his sarcasm, and whose "teasing" pass all bounds.
Barbara, 70 years old, separated from her first husband a few years after the wedding, because she felt the dark side, hiding his sarcasm:
- Pay attention to the behavior. Someone who persistently, consistently releases sarcastic and critical remarks about everything around, most likely not be fully operational in the world. Rather, it is terribly notorious.
Margaret, 90 years old, had to agree with her husband that he stopped teasing her. That's what she told me:
- Teasing is very dangerous. It is like a mockery. Mocking behavior degrades another person. Even if it is served as a joke, such behavior is a warning sign, because it really devalues the identity of another person.
Sometimes, love and marriage seem to be incredibly complex. But as the old man said, to blame one reason: too many people are taking the wrong decision in choosing a partner, and regret it for years. But avoiding these four warning signs, you can take the right decision, one that will increase your chances of a long and happy life together.
Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.