Tape jokes Monday

 - In the movie in the park were ... were ... At the disco were ... Now where?
 - At the registry office ...

Humor is shiny and matte. Last clearer ...

My wife and I just amazing sexual compatibility example,
the day before we were both tired, but yesterday both headache.

Crocodile Hunter:
 - Hello! I am now near the 13th hostel. I'll tell you a secret - I've never been so close to the lair of the crocodiles.

While I was at the meeting, the husband stayed to himself. One day he decided to make soup from a bag. The manual says: boil a liter of water. All good, but how to calculate the liter? Helped logic programmer.
He went to the store and bought a liter bottle, "Klin". And then I looked at him and thought: "Why me soup?»

 - You're a fool and stupid jokes you!
 - Marry me ...
 - Oh - I'm sorry, please ... Are you serious ?!
 - Just kidding, just kidding ...

 - Hey, Bob, had to return all the money that I drank in my life ...
 - And what would you do?
 - Propyl would certainly ...

How ripe apples fall to the ground, and not waiting for its Newton.

Little Johnny invites Masha come to visit him.
 - So fed lunch - Yum!
Masha consults with a friend - or not to go to her.
 - Lick lick, - says the more experienced friend. - That's just not sure whether it's fingers!

We go with the brow in the reading room of the HSE (where the majority of women) are looking for where you can connect your laptop for Lana, do not find anything, go to the overcrowding of the next room and there for each table at the wall outlet man happily so shouts, "Look, right here at each table on the hole !!! »
never before I did not look at me as a female eye ...

Today the truth has become more expensive Plato another five points.
If the rise is even higher - sell !!!

As we have already got the movie breaks Publicity!

& quot; ... a mild laxative. Weak without disturbing sleep. & Quot;

"Image - nothing, thirst - all!»
In short, not to boast, when such sushnyak!

Proverbs from Fomenko:

All's well that ends well in.

Not all of the bald head that glitters.

Papuan Papuan friend, comrade and feed.

Ha is not the worst pazevay potok!

Do you love to ride - love and carry the females!

Masha finger will not spoil

Less, but a woman.

It is better to touch once than a hundred times to see.

On legs flew, and mouth has not got

Do you like to lie - love and play the fool

Cancer is not born, cancer - are!

Took a tug - do not forget to go to the shower.

Horseradish radish is not sweeter, but longer ...

One student says to another:
 - Come on, take a walk lecture ...
 - No, I can not - we must sleep!

The new discovery was made by the Institute of Physics of the high temperatures.
It turns out that if you regularly drink hot sturgeon cold champagne, then certainly the muzzle crack.

Prince Ivan came to the French restaurant, and there: fried frogs, boiled frog, the frog sauce ...
 - Here they are with them both ... And I was a fool, got married!

Fairy tale "Gingerbread Man»:
 - Do not eat me, bear! I was stranded on the bottom of the barrel, clawing at the barns, in short - dust, dirt, glass, cigarette butts ...

Pre-election debates on TV. Take Up Viewer:
 - I myself am not interested in politics, but my wife goes to Moscow for all your meetings. Recently, there were about ten - and what has changed? So I lose to you trust.
 - It is better to think about the credibility of his wife, lately we have not been here at all meetings!

Hottabych old man wakes up one morning with a terrible hangover. Tyatesya hand to his beard and no beard, no hair. Clutching his head in his head, too, is not he hand armpit and it's empty, gently pulls the panty elastic:
 - Well, thank God even for a beer left!

NEVER Russian people will say: "In vain yesterday drank!" No, he says, "In vain are mixed."; "In vain did not himself to eating."; "In vain are not at home."; "In vain with the wrong.", But never "for nothing at all!»

 - Dad, what distinguishes the mind and cunning?
 - Um, can solve complex problems, and allows them to bypass the trick.
 - And what is useful?
 - Travel all - intelligence. It allows you to choose what is better: to decide to bypass or to mind his own business.

Little Johnny came in gym class, and there is a new teacher - a two-meter Ambala ...
 - Zdravstvute, children, I'm your new teacher, my name Mrudakov.
Please pay attention to the letter "r" after the first letter.
Speak clearly and it must not upset me. Everyone knows ?!
 - Clear! - Zashugannyh screaming children.
On the next gym class Vovochka like to bring to the teacher, but as luck would have forgotten his name.
 - Come on, remember! - Grit Ambala.
 - Uh ... I just remember that there is the letter "r" after the first.
 - Well...?!?!?! - Says the teacher.
 - A! Remembered !!! - HRUEV !!!

After a terrible hangover waking up in the morning aunt. In the mouth - cat shit,
under the eyes - dark circles, hair on end.
He looks at himself in the mirror and says:
 - I do not know you, but I'll dyed.

Anka crawl, followed by Vasily Ivanovich, followed Petka in exploration.
Vasily Ivanovich gets Anka inquiries:
 - Anya, you case the ballet was not?
 - Not, but what?
 - Yeah it hurts your feet are beautiful ...
 - Anya, you're not engaged in rhythmic gymnastics?
 - Not, but what?
 - Yes, it was too slender figure you ...
Hadoelo Petka listen to all this:
 - Vasily Ivanovich, and you've never been a plowman?
 - No, what?
 - Yes, it was too deep furrow after thee ...

My second mother-in-law is much the first intelligent - all realized with a first strike.

A festive table I was sitting to the left of Katie, and Pavlik - Right.
Imagine our embarrassment when our hands met with Pavlik ...
Well, of course, where ...

Guy met a cool girl.
All ends with rough sex.
And right after that, he jumps to her, says horrible
hurry, climbs into his pocket, pulls out a coin and puts
its a girl, well, in the same place.
She was surprised to say:
 - You Th, nafig I need it?
 - You can, and do not need to, and I'd like to go back
once more.

Man sitting in the evening, watching TV, eats pistachios. Throws pistachio
in the air and catching mouth. Planting one of pistachios, he was distracted
his wife for a split second, and when he turned his head, pistachio stuck in his ear. Trying to dig it, he shoved it deeper. He called his wife to help, say, dear, help, pistachio climbs! Pick, pick, nothing happens. In the end, we decided to conduct man to the hospital. The output meet their daughter with her boyfriend (such boyfrend), after explaining the disease, the guy says, they say, sit down, now everything will nishtyak. The boy squeezed Bath nostrils and mouth, and commanded much exhale. A man stiffened, ho! Pistachio ear flew like a cork from a bottle of champagne. Everybody is happy, happy wife, a daughter in delight. Well, a guy so shy dismissed such modest it all. I went to the guy with the maid to the kitchen for tea and her mother at the time her husband said: "You see what a good, smart boy, whom do you think he will?" Dad replied: "Judging by the smell of his fingers, I think it will be our son in law! »

The old Kukushkin had three generations of gynecologists. Could not
good look.

There comes a guy to get a job. Hachalnik HR
 - What are you retired from previous work?
 - There's a mess!
 - We also have a mess.
 - But you have even used ... di fresher.

Do not forget about the rules of this section. In a kamentov only ANEC, jokes, funny stories. PLAYING THE EVENING, help after a hard WORKING DAY:

To play the game you need:
1) The person (you),
2) bathroom with ropes stretched over her lёskami-dryer,
3) tights.

How to play:
Don tights booty on his head, climbs into the tub, get up to her full height, leg (kolgotochnoy not his) to throw a rope for drying clothes. Slowly start off and make a few steps forward. You - the trolley.

If the put on skis - get a tram. And if you put on skis and pour into the bath water - it turns waterbus,
and if the bath water drop included a hairdryer, then turn train,
and if you turn off the lights and put headlamp flashlight, you - the underground.
The young son to the father came in and said, embarrassed:
"I love myself found, often to meet her.
I give her a chocolate, I buy cupcakes,
But my experience is too small, the Pope, in terms of sex »
I have no secrets. Listen, guys,
Pope this answer is not ornate.
"I do not deal in gifts son. Stupidity and absurdity!
The output is always one. The woman - as a fortress.
This fortress must be taken of tenderness and affection.
Force may be used, but always with caution.
You sit down, time has come,
And listen, pipsqueak
With sex life - good!
And without sex - is bad.
A brief excursion into the wonderful peaceful
World contradictions
We are with you commit
In this wonderful evening.
If a girl she lifts up her skirt
And looking at your pocket - is a prostitute.
With them it is better not to go because, among other things,
I do not for a year to pay the cost of the night.

If a girl is with you, and then with Andryukha,
And in the morning with Mustafa - It's just a whore.
With it, you can, just once, Kohl quite sad,
But do not poke your nose to her son, without a condom.
If a girl is on the other even at outdoor party,
Remember, my dear son - a lesbian.
They do not initiate, here, son, and another.
It is better to get round the side of Lesvos.
If you caress her, and she said nothing.
If you get it, and she cleaned,
The participation of women so, my friend is unenviable.
This will confirm any - frigid woman.
If you walk behind you boy persistently,
This boy is blue, which is very dangerous.
Send him away quickly without trial races,
Let flees to seek friends among their own kind.
If you, Andrew, Ivan and Tonya Varyuhoy
 - Green Bay in the drum - a gangbang.
This has some meaning, I do not mind,
Because even the thought excites.
A beg you, go around without dirt.
I'm not allowed, Damn, casual relationships.
You find yourself one, the girls at a decent
To introduce drives. I got it? Well, great!
And so once you got into it, Remember, my son Sam
The safest sex - Sex on the phone.



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