Epistolary thriller

Dear Mr. Lapidus!
Visit your store "Delicatessen" Three days ago, on Tuesday the 7th, I had the appetite relatively fresh salted herring Danube, about which I told the seller Seine weigh me two small herring worth $ 4 80 cents per pound, with weigh asked from the barrel, and not one of those that were lying on the counter. Seller same Senya, pretending that he is deaf, I weighed two herring, but did so of those that were lying on the counter, saying at the same time - 3 dollars 28 cents. I politely pointed seller Seine that he was wrong and that I would like to have two barrels of herring on the seller sent me to Senya edrёnoy mother, for no apparent reason.
Since my health was thoroughly undermined in the construction of the White Sea - Baltic Canal, and now I - a pensioner called Siniora Citizen, I have had no strength to resist seller Seine, which, as you know, as healthy as bull, so I took said two herring, paying $ 4 food stamp and received 72 cents change. On the same day, Tuesday the 7th, I was promised to go after hard work, my son-in-Gregory, and I had intended to cook potatoes, which I took yesterday in the grocery store to eat it together with herring and Grisha in-law, and Smirnoff vodka as a drink, stay with me in the refrigerator after last year's holiday of Purim.
However, when he got home and embarking on a purchase, I had to be sorely disappointed, as the two herring were so similar to the Danube, as the Pope on Lemesheva artist, and from them went heavy peculiar spirit, what happens in public places - you know what I'm talking about.
As a result of the strong shock and nervous shock caused by the views of the two purchased selёdochek I slёg on the bed, where I lay for three days, and do not have to personally come to you in the store "Delicatessen" to hurl these herring seller Seine in the face, so I send mail them to you by post and demand pay all my expenses, as follows: $ 3 28 cents for two herring, 1 dollar 17 cents per parcel and 5 cents for round account for nervous shock, total totaling $ 4 50 cents.
Sincerely - Michael Aronovich Kopshteyn.
Dear Michael Aronovich!
Reading your letter anxiety, my heart bled, and the remaining hair on his head stood on end because it is necessary to gather as much insolence to offend employees of private trade - namely our esteemed Seller Seeds Izrailevich, which you contemptuously call Senya.
I personally asked Semyon Izrailevich "Senya, here from ze Mather, what happened?", And Simon Izrailevich not find other words, as you send back, but not to edrёnoy mother, and elsewhere. Personally, I think that you could easily stay in the country where you built White Sea Baltic Canal, and fooling people, because my shop "Delicatessen" sells products only the first freshness, and during the five years that there store, no buyer yet dared to complain about our excellent service and high quality products. A quality, dear Michael Aronovich, speaks for itself.
When I opened the mail you sent two herring, he found that they - quite the Danube, although they already went to some odor, which is natural, since from the time of their sale was held for 12 days. You must declare that the Danube herring has a delicate taste, a lot of calories and nutrients, especially for people with diabetes or pregnancy, and are caught daily by our purchaser Itzik Khrapovitsky from Lake Michigan, and then immediately delivered to the store in a helicopter in a living state. Here in the store, the Danube herring Causes blows to the head, is loaded into the barrel and is transmitted to the salting our worker, Ph.D. Mr. Orenstein, who served previously on the Sumy Chemical Plant chief of sulfuric acid and superphosphate, ie, has a corresponding Experience, and we trust him, as he salts for us more cucumbers Nezhin kosher, Sauerkraut amateur, watermelons Mochenov and sturgeon caviar, both black and red.
Based on this process, no cost to you, I do not intend to reimburse. You bought two herring you shall stretch our courier Marik, and you can shove these herring in one place yourself or your son-Grisha.
Sincerely - Benzion Lapidus.
Dear Mr. Lapidus!
Sorry that I write in pencil, t. To. Out of ink in a fountain pen, presented to me on the occasion of my 70th anniversary.
You have to express my deep indignation at the wrong behavior of your courier Marika. The above Marik broke down the door of my apartment while I was in the bathroom, threw the package on the floor with two herring that you mistakenly call the Danube, and has made two terrible shot of a large pistol, and then swore obscenely and left.
As a result of his visit, I have no irretrievable damage, namely:
1. Thoroughly shot through my only, but it is still a decent gray coat Ratinova (50th size, 2nd growth), which I harbored for 14 years and that your courier Marik took for me. Sew a coat will cost US $ 400, no less.
2. Broken glass with my teeth, damaged both jaws, both upper and lower. Over the jaw Dr. Makogon took two years ago 636 dollars now, probably will take longer 736.
3. Bullets courier Marika struck the wall and sit in the plaster. Now it is necessary to make repairs flats on my head. Familiar Bryskin writer, who is also a painter and still says that the repair will cost $ 550 with my material and meals 3 times a day, not including lunch.
4. Package with two herring completely broke and leaked, causing hurt Carpet on the floor. Carpet cleaning - I learned - will cost 14 dollars 99 cents.
5. From the strong shake down from the wall and smashed a portrait of Marshal Tolbukhin work Captain Yankelevich, given to me by the author during the fighting in the Orel-Kursk. Prices this portrait is not, but $ 44 would be enough.
Mr. Lapidus, this number by courier Marik you in any case will not work. Note that I worked in the trust Ukrkozhgalantereya counsel and know all the ins and outs.
Your two herring sends back a second time and ask me to compensate for all damages in the amount of 3 g. 28, p. two herring, 1 h. 17 p. for the first parcel, 1 h. 17 p. for the second parcel, all postage costs 2 in. 34 p., $ 400 for a gray coat Ratinova, 736 dollars for a broken jaw, $ 550 for the repair of apartments by the writer Bryskin, 14 d. 99 p. for Clean Carpet, $ 44 for a broken Marshal Tolbukhin, 39 cents for a round account of anxiety, total totaling 1751 dollars without putting.
I give you two days to think.
Sincerely - Michael Aronovich Kopshteyn.
Dear Michael Aronovich!
Why have not you killed during fighting in the Orel-Kursk with Captain Yankelevich and Marshal Tolbukhin? Why do your teeth do not sit in the plaster or lie on the Carpet, sheltered gray coat Ratinova 14 years?
If you again prishlёsh me back two Danube herring, I do not know what I did to you.
The last time I send to you our couriers Marika and Garik two herring. On reimburse not out of the question, because the quality speaks for itself.
Sincerely - Benzion Lapidus.

Dear Mr. Lapidus!
Fire arranged by your courier Marik and Garik last night, when I was in the toilet, destroyed much property, I need two days to calculate the damage caused by you. Much Fortunately, two herring, you stubbornly continue to call the Danube, although they are so similar to the Danube, as an Orthodox priest in the priest's wife, the two herring from a fire does not hurt, so I send them to you with my son-in-Grisha, who will go to you after hard work.
Sincerely - Michael Kopshteyn.
Dear Mr. Kopshteyn!
As you've obviously heard the tragic accident snatched from our shopping malls remarkable businessman and human Benzion Jakovljevic Lapidus, which lies in the Jewish hospital with a diagnosis of "very severe concussion." I am the new owner of the shop "Delicatessen" personally figured in the history of two herring, resulting bring you my deepest apologies for the trouble. All expenses incurred by you, I personally reimburse your cache-law Gregory M., and you as a token of our appreciation and love pass a box of fresh marmalade "lemon drop," we have just received from the Federal Republic of Germany, as well as four of these Danube herring salting fresh, eat at health.
I wish you bon appetit.
Sincerely - Solomon Shapiro, a businessman.