Do not take the cat to the house

As with all the classic thrillers, this begins with a phone call. Unsuspecting victims mows the lawn in front of the house, enjoying the fresh breeze and peaceful squinting in the sun. Then the phone rings. The tube mysteriously sopyat ... In this case, none of the nozzles. Nothing foretold disaster. In this, my first wife's voice, said: - My friends go on vacation, and they let her cat ... you will live. You do not mind? Her own home is not living the two cats and the dog, not the guinea pig and two Galapagos lizard, I do not remember exactly. Another body surely would have created unnecessary tension there. Moreover, as she aptly noticed, I did not mind. After all, why not? At home, I am rare, allergies to cat fur I do not ... let her stay, to hell with it (the cat). A few days later I brought her. Despite trailing on the floor belly, it produces a nice impression. Short gray fur, a white dickey, huge green eyes and aristocratic elongated snout. A waist ... to be honest, I do not have one in twenty. Time does not spare us ... to the cat food bag accompanied the size of my vosmidesyatilitrovy backpack, with a range of decent restaurants. No, of course there were fewer names of feed than the names of beer in my fridge, but clearly more than the names of products out there, though. Also attached toilet, "liquid woman" in a tube (although in this case - a man, "five drops on the tail - she lick") and detailed instructions, actually on the use of (two pages of small neat handwriting - entitled the name that I immediately forgot ). "She's mischievous," - said the hostess with love. The values ​​that I did not pay. After a short, but touching farewell scene, friends departed on vacation, and I'm at work. By the way, it was a Saturday - the last day of a happy life. He returned, as usual, rather late - close to eleven. The gray creature vilos around the legs and satisfied grunts in anticipation of dinner. Destroyed in the apartment was not observed, a toilet being discovered and used for its intended purpose ... Saying tired body butylotsku light beer and glancing some stupid movie, I turned out the light and went to bed. Somewhere gurgled water outside rustling leaves, red light winking off the TV before his eyes streamed vague shadow ... at this point in the kitchen something fell. Following this, the room flashed silhouette shot up blind, and overturned the lamp that stood under the window. I opened my eyes, and politely asked not baragozit CIMS. Kish lost. On the quarter-hour. This time is enough for me to almost fall asleep. After that shot up the second curtain, there was a rattle and the battery fell from the windowsill iron. I opened my eyes, and if possible kindly promised to someone tear the tail if someone does not immediately calm down. Using natural folds areas, such as: chair, vacuum cleaner, kitty out of my field of vision was gone. At that time, enough to doze off, but not enough to get some sleep. After that, I was awakened by the roar of the collapsed pipe from a vacuum cleaner. I got up, turned on the light and tried to catch the animal to remove the batteries. However, it turned out really fast. The hostess did not disappoint ...... That night I slept a total of two hours. Every fifteen minutes about something falls. My God, I thought his apartment almost empty! This is a common home with a minimum of a bachelor household items. Even when I go back home and throw on a chair phone them objects, the room is still less than the fingers! It turned out that they are enough to make a creature weighing six kilograms produced noise is not compatible with the rest. By four in the morning the room was like a camera 's just - there was nothing except furniture. Everyone, including the vacuum cleaner was tucked in the closet. Or drop it was nothing more. I fell asleep. At twenty minutes. Then I woke up. Grey at $ ische & jumped on the box from under the microwave, which stood in the hallway, on the box from under the TV and fell out, with the noise that could produce kiloton bomb. I caught this abomination and locked in the bathroom. It cost me a cologne - the only perfume that was not filled in a plastic bag. Leaving the whole bunch in the bathroom, I decided that now there is nothing to drop and, consequently, I won. Naive Chuukese boy ... In the bathroom, because the wooden door. You know how a cat can tear up a wooden door? A working chainsaw "Friendship" in comparison with this sound - a lullaby from "Enigma." I got up and put the cat in the washing machine. Scoring even twenty minutes. Then they get out. Then you know. Wooden door. Then I showed weakness. I did not know what to do. I kept this thing by the scruff and tearfully begged to be quiet at least half an hour. The creature was hanging dead in his hands as the collar of fur coats and showed mean that understands me. At five in the morning I went to work. Obviously I'm smarter than Pavlov's dogs. I do not know how much time it took to catch the relationship "light turns on - bring food," and I had the day the word "home" evokes a nervous tic. I played for time as he could. The brain frantically looking for a solution. I came home at midnight. Caudate curse quacks as if nothing had happened and wanted to eat. Night wonderfully reminding yesterday. At four in the morning, ostervenev to an extreme degree, I put this filth in the drawer under the oven. It took exactly fifteen minutes to get out. I can not imagine how it can be done. I lay there and watched in Lund uneven light from the box appear first leg, then face and then the cat entirely. It was like the footage from "Alien." Or maybe from the film about vampires. Then she disappeared out of sight. Then she giggled. If I had not heard this with my own ears, I would not have believed that a cat may make similar sounds. It was a typical, malevolent female giggles. This bitch was sitting in the kitchen and laughed at me. At six I was at work. Day called my wife and said that if she did not come up with a way to get this thing to bed at night - it is unlikely to survive at least until Wednesday, and not what the owners to return. In parallel, I have consulted with experts in pets. Experts have offered to cut her nails, wrap the face with adhesive tape and stick in a cardboard box. I have a cardboard box did not seem sufficiently reliable. I confess, I was leaning more towards the toilet cistern ... In the evening's wife brought me a bottle of some herbal balm and said that it is extremely useful, a sedative, recommended the best breeders. Vile smirk I caught the cat and put it in a provision tablespoon. The cat did four laps around the room at a speed close to the light and jumped on the TV. Her eyes were rabid, a white shirt front sparkled drops of balm. At midnight she went to bed in my place. I fell asleep beside him and slept like a baby even up to three nights. In three of me ran a herd of buffalo, and dashed off to the kitchen, which dropped the bottle of tomato juice ... The rest of the balsam I drank myself ...... Tuesday, my friends and I went to the sauna. After drinking five liters of beer at twelve, I went home and lay down on the sofa, as he was, in jeans and a shirt. He slept like a dead man, to five. What did the cat this time - I do not know. Returning on Wednesday evening I discovered that the animal climbed on the refrigerator where the gutted box of pills, from which she did not have to climb wool. Daily dose - two things. The box was about moan tablets bag from under them I found under the desk. Reflecting on it will die at once or just her hair begins to grow inward, I wandered into the bathroom and found the pot brim full of shit carefully covered with my towel. Visualize how it is void of understanding creation, raskoryachivshis above the grid, cursed his greed, I was somewhat satisfied. Even the towels were not sorry, still it was old and small. In the evening I was appointed bath. Well, you know, salt, foam, candlelight ... Derecne Mode cold "grolscn» c slice of lemon. Slightly pokemariv I was awakened by some disparity in the world. The discrepancy was the fact that the cat quietly (as for once!) Jumped on the bathtub rim and set your ass straight over a candle, and selecting the largest of the seven. For a few seconds I watched this parade of vanity, feeling the ever-increasing smell of burning hair. Then kindness prevailed and I gave the cat a kick, which she slipped on the toilet seat, swept into the corridor. For a while it was quiet. After being discovered the lack of wool in a vital spot and began to howl bad voice. Pokolku I do not know anything about the heat resistance of the cats, then vividly how this bitch like Captain Gastello worn around the apartment, igniting the flames of body curtains. Cursing and dropping to the floor foam I went to look for her. The cat was sitting in the far corner of a sofa and sparkling eyes out. Rightly judging that if in the dark under a sofa flame is not visible, it is likely that she did not even smoldering, I returned to the bath. However, this error of nature decided that paying attention to her person is not enough. From under the couch, she relocated to the corridor where the howling began again pacing past the bathroom. Spewing curses, I jumped into the air, grabbed the vile creatures of shkvarnik and repeatedly dipped in a bath. Water procedures have not made it not the slightest impression. You've got to make a digression ...... I already had a cat. Rather, the cat was at my girl. Then she was gone, and the cat had left me good memories. It was a quiet, extremely intelligent animal. All day long the cat was sleeping under the TV. Distract his sleep could only heater. Having discovered this device within sight of the cat got up, stretched, and went to sleep under the heater. At night he slept, too. I ate all that was given, only shitting in a pot. Well, sometimes, it is true, by - if he did not want to soak the foot. And for that, I was severely pi $% silt. Vasya! If you can - I'm sorry ... if I already knew what else in this world are the cat, I would have made you a toilet sized golf course. So what am I? Once we bathed. The cat was not happy. True there were no harm, but within two hours, he did not react to external stimuli enthusiastically licking ... This cat is totally indifferent reacted to visit the bathroom. Than again strengthened my guess is not quite sane about her sanity. However, she also stopped howling. Just slapping feet wet cleaned up the kitchen to eat. Or maybe something to drop. I found that the fire prevention measures sufficient, but to climb into the tub where he had been this misery, no longer wanted. By following all the measures of secrecy, I went to bed, pretending that he left to watch TV. I was given time to smoothly until one o'clock. Wade eye I tried to understand what had fallen this time. Silhouette of a cat on a window sill was read. Drop or there was absolutely nothing. I'm hiding, determined to find out what kind of reception is now used to not give me sleep. Cat sitting and watching what is happening in the yard. This yard, at this time, there is no absolutely nothing. They sleep all, including rats and mosquitoes. Bored? Absolutely. Therefore, from this gray%: ische jumped a meter up the whole carcass slammed the window. The effect is stunning - with a roar resonated web clanged vents and special charm in the range of sounds added gnashing claws on the glass ... But the man aptly observed getting used to everything. Even to the loop. Pulled, tugged, and accustomed ... I used to sleep from midnight to five, and from five to six watching television and drinking coffee. I'm used to coming home in the evening, the first thing to put in the closet vyvalennyh bunch of things - the cat has learned to open the door, and rake out everything they could reach. I'm used to cost a shower without a bath, because any attempt to lie down quietly, my hot water caused the cat noisy tantrum and attempts to commit to commit suicide by self-immolation. In general - used to much ... the date of return of the owners of this incarnation of the Antichrist in the world I have marked in the calendar with a red marker and decided to celebrate in the future, on a par with his birthday and Independence Day. The remaining weeks of the genocide. I'll try to survive ... In that case - if not I can, please take me a communist. Pah-you ... do not repeat my mistakes. If you ever had someone ask shelter house cat - think. Maybe someone wants your death.

© dinil