7 Reasons to Avoid Pretending in a Relationship

Relations between people are built on a complex foundation of reciprocity, openness and trust. Pretense, which sometimes seems innocent or even necessary, gradually undermines this foundation, leading to unexpected and often irreparable consequences. Why do the masks we put on become so damaging to the most precious thing between two people?

According to research by the Institute of Family Relations, more than 67% of couples experiencing serious difficulties note a lack of sincerity and authenticity as a key problem. Pretending destroys a relationship not instantly, but gradually, just as drop by drop water sharpens a stone.

Why are we pretending?
Before we dive into the reasons why we should avoid pretense, let’s honestly answer the question: why do people resort to it in relationships at all? The reasons can be diverse:

• Fear of being rejected because of your true qualities or beliefs
• The desire to meet the expectations of the partner
• Trying to avoid conflict
• Uncertainty about yourself and your feelings
• The desire to create a “perfect” image

Each of these reasons may seem rational in the short term, but let’s look at why pretense is destructive in the long run.
1. Breaking the Foundation of Trust
Pretending, even in small things, creates subtle but ever-growing cracks in trust. When a partner discovers a discrepancy between what you are demonstrating and who you really are, the natural question is, “What else is he/she insincere about?”
“Trust is like a porcelain vase – if it is broken, even with the most thorough restoration, the cracks will remain visible.” Psychologist Maria Pavlova

Studies show that restoring trust after detecting a deception takes an average of 5-7 times longer than it took to form it. In some cases, full recovery is not possible.
2. Emotional exhaustion
Maintaining a false image requires enormous psychological resources. A person who is forced to constantly control his words, actions and reactions in order to conform to the created image experiences chronic emotional exhaustion.
Psychologists call this phenomenon “authentic exhaustion.” It is characterized by emotional burnout, anxiety and often leads to psychosomatic problems – from sleep disorders to weakened immunity.

Imagine playing a role in a play that never ends. Such a life becomes a constant strain and loss of energy that could be channeled into developing genuine relationships.
3. The impossibility of true intimacy

True intimacy arises when people open up to each other with all their imperfections, fears and vulnerabilities. Pretending creates an invisible barrier through which it is impossible to reach that depth.
Brene Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and emotional openness, has concluded from years of research that “vulnerability is not weakness, but the most accurate measure of courage.” When we pretend, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to be truly brave.
4. Loss of identity
Gradually, a person who is used to pretending in a relationship may begin to lose touch with their own identity. There is a blurred line between who he is and the way he creates for his partner.
Practical advice: Conduct an “authentic audit” of your relationship. Write down the aspects in which you feel you can’t be yourself. Ask yourself what is holding you back from being sincere in these areas.

Prolonged pretense can lead to deep existential crises, when a person loses understanding of their own desires, values and needs. This condition, which psychologists call “blurred identity,” often requires long-term therapeutic work.
5. Blocking Personal Growth
Healthy relationships become a catalyst for personal development. However, pretense blocks this process. When we cannot honestly acknowledge our weaknesses and mistakes, we are deprived of the opportunity to work on them.
Moreover, our partners can become a mirror to help them see their own blind spots and growth points. But if a relationship is built on false foundations, that reflection will be distorted and useless.
6. Creating unrealistic expectations
By pretending to be a partner, we create certain expectations that become increasingly difficult to live up to. If you consistently demonstrate that you love hiking in the mountains, even though you actually prefer quiet evenings at home, sooner or later this will lead to disappointment.
Unrealistic expectations create a vicious circle: they generate even more pretense, which in turn reinforces those expectations. Breaking this circle becomes more difficult with each turn.

7. Undermining self-esteem
Pretending sends a signal into our subconscious: “I’m not good enough as I am.” Over time, this belief takes root, leading to deep problems with self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Paradoxically, it’s a fact that we often pretend out of self-doubt, but pretending only exacerbates that insecurity. Studies show that people who often resort to masking their identity in relationships are 3.5 times more likely to suffer from anxiety disorders and depression.
How do we move from pretense to authenticity?
Realizing the devastating effects of pretense, many are asking: How do we begin to change? Here are some practical steps:

• Start small. Choose one area where you feel you can’t be yourself and try to be authentic.
  
• Practice "soft honesty" Being authentic does not mean being tactless. Look for ways to express your true feelings and opinions with concern for your partner.
• Create a safe space for vulnerability Discuss the importance of honesty with your partner and ask them to be open to your true self.
• See a specialist. If pretending has become a deep-rooted habit, a psychologist or therapist will help develop an individual strategy for transitioning to authenticity.

Conclusion
Pretending in a relationship is like a patch on a serious wound – it can temporarily hide the problem, but does not solve it and often leads to complications. True intimacy is possible only through honesty, vulnerability and self-acceptance.
The path to authenticity can be challenging, especially if pretending has become a habit, but the results – deep, filled connections with others and with oneself – are worth the effort. You deserve a relationship where you can be yourself without pretense and fear of rejection.

Glossary
Authenticity is the ability of a person to be true to himself, to act in accordance with his values, beliefs and feelings, and not under the influence of external expectations or requirements.

Emotional exhaustion is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion resulting from chronic stress or dissatisfaction, often associated with the constant need to meet others' expectations.

Vulnerability (in a psychological context) is the willingness to openly express one’s true emotions, thoughts, and needs despite the risk of misunderstanding or rejection.

Blurred identity is a psychological state in which a person experiences uncertainty or confusion about their identity, values, and goals, often resulting from prolonged suppression of their own needs.

Communicative authenticity is a style of communication characterized by sincerity, consistency and correspondence between what a person feels, thinks and expresses.

Self-acceptance is a positive and realistic attitude towards your advantages and disadvantages, accepting yourself as you are, without the desire to deny or pretend.


Sources: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Institute of Family Relations, Brene Brown Research on Vulnerability and Authenticity, Psychological Science.