Why do you like people who don’t like you but people who don’t like you?

Description: This article explains why we sometimes feel sympathy for people who don’t like us, but also appreciate those who don’t. We understand the psychological and social mechanisms of this phenomenon.



Each of us at least once found ourselves in a situation where the object of our feelings remains indifferent (or even cold), while we are actively pursued by someone for whom we have no special sympathy. Irony? Absolutely. But such a collision is not just a subject for jokes or romantic comedy scripts. Psychologists and sociologists have powerful explanations for why we are so often fascinated by inaccessible people, while generous fans are left behind. In this article, we will examine the main factors that influence this “reciprocity paradox” and offer some ideas on how to deal with this phenomenon more consciously.

Who is the “victim” and “hunter” here?
In popular culture, the idea of unrequited love is everywhere – from ancient myths to modern TV series. Some love the inaccessible, others love the adoring themselves, but sometimes people change roles depending on the situation. The “principle of inaccessibility” seems incredibly appealing: when the object of our senses is secretive and dispassionate, we are willing to spend effort to get its attention. But why is this happening?
According to the theory cognitive dissonanceA person tends to try to reconcile incompatible inner states, for example, the desire to be with someone and the lack of mutual support. In an effort to justify our efforts, we may fall even more in love with a person who shows no response. On the other hand, someone who gives us heightened attention suddenly ceases to seem so valuable, because his affection is already “guaranteed.” This is how the notorious situation is formed: “Those who need us, we do not need, and those who ignore us, become especially attractive to us.”

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Main part
1. The Scarcity Effect: We Value What Is Unavailable
The scarcity principle, long studied by marketers, says that the less available a resource is, the more value it is. In romantic relationships, there is a similar logic. When a person demonstrates the coldness or “rarity” of his attention, he creates the effect of high status and exclusivity. We interpret the behavior of an “unavailable” person as if they are “too good,” “too busy,” or “too independent” to give us a lot of time. This position reinforces our desire to win his favor.
But if someone pays too much attention to us, the opposite effect works: “Because it is so easily available, it may have few options or low requirements.” Our psyche naturally leans toward an option that seems more prestigious and complex. As a result, we “run” after those who are in no hurry, and those who run after us are considered “less suitable”.

2. The Role of Self-Esteem: Chasing Value
Self-esteem plays a key role in how we choose partners. If we are unsure of our attractiveness or consider ourselves unworthy of deep attention, then, when faced with a person who clearly underestimates us, we begin to prove more fiercely to him (and at the same time to ourselves) that “I am worthy!” In this hidden battle for recognition, a person who shows indifference to us becomes a kind of “prize”: win his sympathy – increase his sense of self-worth.
Interestingly, this dynamic is especially pronounced in people who experienced a lack of emotional support in childhood. According to some attachment psychology researchers, the unpredictability of the attention of a significant adult (such as a parent) in childhood can lead to the fact that a person in adulthood is drawn to such “difficult” sources of warmth and approval. At the same time, active signs of attention from another applicant seem “too simple” and do not cause such a strong emotional response.

3. Idealizing the Unattainable
Why is it that those who are indifferent to us often seem more interesting, and those who seek us are more banal? It's all about projection and imagination. When a person is hidden or kept at a distance, we have more room to build an idealized image: we endow him with the qualities that we want to see in the ideal partner. On the contrary, a person who devotes a lot of time to us becomes “too real”, which means that we have less reason to imagine and finish his portrait in pink colors.

• Halo effect. We tend to ascribe to an “unknown” person non-existent virtues.
• The syndrome is better where we are not. The inaccessibility of the adored object increases curiosity and the desire to obtain an answer.
• Contrast with the reality of the fan. When someone is too insistent and shows sympathy, all their human characteristics quickly come out. And we often find flaws in them, while the “distant star” remains without obvious shortcomings (at least for the time being).

4. Biology in action: mirror neurons and the “hunting instinct”
In addition to psychological explanations, scientists have hypotheses related to biological and evolutionary mechanisms. Mirror neurons in our brains are responsible for the ability to “read” the behaviors and emotional states of others in order to learn and empathize. It is assumed that if we feel indifference, our brain increases activity in areas associated with the desire to “improve interaction”. That is, we begin to try more to win over a person who reacts to us coolly.
Another popular explanation is the evolutionary logic of the hunter. Since ancient times, our ancestors (no matter what gender they were) have sought to achieve goals if those goals required effort. The easy-to-go resource didn't seem as valuable as the trophy you had to fight for. Although the roles of men and women have changed many times in the modern world, elements of the hunting instinct can still play a role in our emotional preferences.



How do we deal with this paradox?
1. Be aware of your own motives.
Ask yourself, “Do I really need this person?” Or do I care about the feeling of struggle and victory? Sometimes the realization that you only want to increase your self-esteem can change the way you look at the situation. Instead of a fruitless pursuit of someone’s attention, you can turn your energy to developing your personal qualities, relationships with more open people, or creating new projects.

2. Ask yourself questions about the here and now.
When meeting someone who shows you sincere sympathy, but does not elicit a response, it is useful to find out: why does he seem uninteresting to you? Perhaps behind external accessibility is a person who has valuable qualities that you do not notice because of your own prejudice. Or, on the contrary, you really don’t match up on life principles – and that’s a good reason not to go deep into the relationship. Separate fantasy and reality, and make decisions based on the person’s real characteristics, rather than the stereotypes associated with their “easy reach.”

3. Work on self-esteem and personal boundaries
Often, “chasing the unattainable” and indifference to those who love us indicate gaps in self-esteem. We try to close the inner insecurity by “winning” the uninterested object. The best way to stabilize emotions is to work on yourself, whether it’s in-person psychotherapy, reading self-help literature, developing communication skills, or communicating healthily with those who respect our boundaries and values. This way we can consciously choose a partner, rather than unconsciously reproducing uncomfortable scenarios.

Conclusion
The contradictory situation of “you are not liked by those you like, and you love those who do not like you” is familiar to many. It is rooted in sociocultural and evolutionary factors: the scarcity principle, self-esteem, the idealization of the inaccessible – all of which influence our sympathies. By seeing these mechanisms in action and understanding exactly how they work, we can change the scenario and choose those with whom we are actually comfortable and interesting. It is important to remember that satisfaction in a relationship is achieved not through the constant pursuit of a ghost, but through mutual respect, openness and sincere understanding. Self-happiness, after all, is more important than artificially created games of inaccessibility and hunting.

Glossary
Scarcity Principle (Scarcity Principle) A psychological effect in which a scarce or inaccessible resource acquires greater value and attractiveness.
Self-esteem A person’s assessment of his own importance, competence and personal qualities; affects the emotional state and motives of behavior.
Cognitive dissonance Psychological discomfort that occurs when a person’s beliefs and actions contradict each other.
The psychology of attachment A branch of psychology that studies how childhood relationships with parents affect behavior and emotional responses in adulthood.
Halo effect The tendency to attribute a number of positive characteristics to a person (or object) based on one favorable impression.
Mirror neurons Special cells in the brain that are activated by watching others and promote learning and empathy.
Idealization The mechanism of psychological protection, in which a person attributes to someone high qualities that do not correspond to reality.
Trophy. (in a figurative sense) - a metaphor for the object to be sought, which becomes a proof of its own importance.