Forgiveness: 8 important things to understand

In communication with others and loved ones, you can often see that people find it difficult to forgive, keep anger for a long time and keep in mind the offenses inflicted on them. The point of forgiveness is not to forget or accept what happened, but to make us realize that yes, something hurt us, but we are ready to open a new page in the relationship.





True forgiveness requires us to understand a few important things in life.

The people around us are imperfect.To forgive, it is necessary to understand that it is common for all people to make mistakes, mislead, insult or hurt others, including accidentally and unintentionally. Through forgiveness, we tell ourselves that we accept ourselves and others as flesh-and-blood people and do not expect perfect behavior from anyone. We understand that people don’t always do what we expect them to do, and that we don’t always live up to our expectations (which are often detached from reality), and that we are often disappointed in life.

The realization that people, even those closest to us, don’t always know what we want or need, and they don’t have the ability to guess our feelings, motivates us to take responsibility in the relationship. You need to invest a part of yourself, not expect everything from others and blame them. Only by blaming us do we refuse to see our role in the situation. You also need to be flexible and not insist on your opinion all the time, let go of control and understand that not everything is always up to us.





The ability to take responsibility for their lives and for the development of relationships with loved ones is expressed in the fact that a person invests in them and learns to express themselves and their needs painlessly for another.

Anger is a meaningful emotionAnger often hides other emotions and feelings that we do not see or express, such as a very strong resentment or deep pain. We need to understand what hurt us and be able to say it. "I'm hurt by that" instead of "You're not okay." The last sentence will provoke resistance and retaliation in the other person, while the first statement will give an opportunity to understand how he felt and why he did this to us.

When we talk and feel that we understand each other, we calm down, because we see that the other side cares about our experiences and tries to understand them, which, in fact, is exactly what we need. If, as a result of a quarrel, people come to such a dialogue, it can bring them closer and create a trusting atmosphere instead of alienation, hostility and the desire for revenge.

Be able to listen and empathizeTo truly forgive, we need to be able to listen, not just to say what we want. To hear the other is to give him an opportunity to explain his position without interrupting him, without thinking all the time about the claims we are going to make, without constantly trying to assert his opinion and prove that we are in conflict more right and smarter than the other. Listening is really being determined to come to an understanding.

We need to agree that each side has the opportunity to speak out and be fully heard. It is also useful for each party to the conflict to repeat what the other person said to make sure that he or she really understood his or her words correctly.

Empathy is the ability to understand how the other side feels, to put oneself in the other’s place, and to try to understand their point of view from that perspective. This does not negate the feelings or points of view of the first party. However, empathy allows you to go beyond your own emotions and see that other people have different feelings, they have different experiences and they interpret the situation differently.

Understand what's more importantStubbornness and manic desire to prove who is right, do not bring us closer together and do not contribute to the development of relationships. We need to understand what is more important: Get evidence that we are right in the argument, or keep the relationship and come to understanding, agreement and rapprochement. There are people who seek to control others and cannot let go of control and realize that there can be no power over the feelings and behavior of another person.

To fight.Even in a quarrel, it is important to remember that the person in front of us is a loved one, not an enemy, and that every conflict has boundaries, red lines that cannot be crossed. We do not want to hurt, humiliate or trample another person. The way we speak and the way we speak matter. Even despite disagreements and irritation, there is a way to come to terms and solve problems in a way that strengthens relationships rather than destroying them.

Words are embedded in memory and often echo long after. Pay attention to what words you use and whether you maintain respectful behavior during a dispute or conflict.. As we tell children, sometimes we get angry, but we always love them. Remember this the next time someone in your family or family makes you angry.

Question of interpretationWe often interpret someone else’s behavior from our point of view and believe that it is the ultimate truth, without understanding or giving the other party an opportunity to explain. We give ourselves a certain opinion about the motives of another person’s behavior and believe that there is no other option. Katie Byron, in her Method of Work, talks about the kind of interpretations we tell ourselves, and suggests asking the question: is this true?

Give the other person an opportunity to speak. Don’t make final decisions without listening and understanding.. There is a chance that you were wrong, that there was a misunderstanding. Sometimes our perception of the situation is false. We rush to pass judgment and draw conclusions that are often wrong, while we must first hear a different interpretation.

Let go of angerSometimes we feel that if we continue to be angry, we will punish the other person. But in reality, we only harm ourselves by keeping our hostility inside. Anger is a poison in the body that poisons us. Liberation from it makes life easier for us and allows us to live with joy. There are many ways and techniques to do this, and you should learn to take care of yourself and your feelings.

Personal example

It is very important that we teach our children to cope with negative emotions and resolve conflicts peacefully.. Relationships between people are made up of many elements and are rarely simple. It is necessary to understand that sometimes there is a discrepancy between desires and needs, sometimes there are misunderstandings and sometimes we are hurt. Our example will teach children to better cope with conflicts in the family.

As adults, we have the opportunity to look at the situation soberly, to see the person in front of us, and to accept the fact that we are not perfect.. Criticism does not improve the relationship and only weakens the other. Accusatory tone does not lead to positive change and does not lead to understanding. When we talk openly about ourselves and our feelings, we actually accept responsibility for our role in the relationship, and we are willing to motivate our loved ones to be sincere as well.

There are people who view apologies as a blow to the ego and self-humiliation, when in fact it is quite the opposite! Asking forgiveness from another person can only be a strong person who is able to admit his mistakes and take responsibility for his actions. When a person is sure of who he is and what he is, when he knows his virtues, he is also able to admit that he was wrong and that he has offended someone, and this does not harm self-esteem.

Those around us will appreciate and respect us much more for this ability and will build relationships based on openness, trust and understanding. What could be better than that? As it is said, “To err is human; to forgive is divine.”published

Translation by Ekaterina Kuznetsova

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!

Source: www.matrony.ru/proshhenie-nachinaetsya-vnutri-nas/