Forgiving ex — free future

You forgive others not in order to heal them. You forgive others to heal ourselves.

Chuck Hilling


I hear so many uplifting stories about forgiveness, compassion and acceptance, even wanted to write an article on this topic. But I want to say is not about abstract forgiveness, but about very specific consequences that are taking place in the life of the one who forgave really.

First, again, of the wise, good quotes about forgiveness that a lot of people says, but few have felt and lived experience. "Stronger than all the victories of forgiveness" "Forgiveness does not change the past, but future releases", "the People we have forgiven no longer have power over us", "forgiveness — the property of the strong, the weak can never forgive" — a beautiful and profound words, agree.

And when people read all of this, why they think this is about them. I mean I read such a wonderful idea and immediately forgiven! The main thing — to repeat frequently to all the surrounding too believed that to forgive offenders for real. And to bother overcoming his own selfishness, a revision of the relationship to the events of the past, work on their character in this case is not necessary.

The father left the family for another woman, then have children, I never remembered and did not help, but I don't take offense.
— What do you have in your personal life?
— Divorce, husband cheated, but I forgave him too.
— And after that?
After nothing, something I do not want a relationship anymore.

— Older sister said I was ugly, humiliated me in every possible way, read my diaries and correspondence, laugh at my failures, but I forgave her.
Why not communicate with her?
— I don't know live seems to be far away and the General special no.

Father said I was a mattress, and the mother constantly yelled at me, told me nothing good happens, but I don't take offense.
— What's your problem, what sort want?
— Yes, something I can not define the work I don't know what you want, like me praise, but no inner satisfaction.

The younger brother was always loved more than me, and then another, and my sister was born, I was not paying attention, parents are not up to it. Money to pay my tuition they, too, were not all on the Junior went well, and somehow my life is not particularly complicated, but I understand them, I have no claims to them.
How are you and your family with professional implementation?
— Yes, as-as who I am needs that?

— The mother came home drunk, beat me, locked in the closet, but I forgave her, you know, I forgave her!
— Well, why are you alone and don't accept attentions from men?
— Yes, somehow does not add up, does not come across someone you can trust, people generally difficult to trust nowadays.

Such stories very much. Tell your friends and relatives and professionals for consultations, seminars, in letters and in personal conversations. And most importantly, the storytellers believe in them.

For me, stories about forgiveness is akin to the cases of healing the damaged parts of the body such as the hands. If the person is severely cut or in any other way hurt his arm, it is very difficult to operate it in full, isn't it? Even as pretend that you're healthy to bring home water from a well is not so easy task, because the sore and limited in motion.

In tennis and volleyball with injured hand to play, too, will fail, because smile or not, the precision and the force of the blow will not be the same as when playing in full your condition. With a sore hand is not okay to cook, clean teeth, comb her hair, but what happens in that moment when hand is healing and returning to its previous state?

That's right, we just want balls over the net to throw, to swim, to draw and to do what was unavailable on the hospital regime. Healing hands is the abstract? No, it is quite specific and has the appropriate manifestation in the world of physical objects. But why do so many abstract the topic of forgiveness and acceptance?

The fact that forgiveness is a serious inner work, which POPs up a lot of painful and unpleasant memories, negative emotions, difficult thoughts, and with them, few people want to face.

And what with it to understand, it is much easier to convince themselves and others that it's forgotten already, why rake up the past, treason was forgiven(-a), the violence have forgiven(-a), rudeness and lack of attention towards themselves also converted to(-a), forgiven (-) and released(-a), but such is the great sacrifice and forgiveness to anything other than displacement of real feelings and emotions do not lead.

Healing deep traumas usually goes through the aggravation — if you really wanted to return the "arm" (ie, heart, soul) health, you have to have the courage to unwind the wound, to see what was hidden under years of bandages.

Most often under the "bandages" is hiding a lot of pain, anger, fear, aggression and resentment. The wound will have to handle, it will burn, it will probably be painful, but then it will become easier. If the wound is very deep, may, on their own way to cope, you will need professional help.

When the heart finds true forgiveness, then, somehow, miraculously, we gain incredible power. The power to help not just to understand the reasons for the behavior of significant adults in our childhood, but also to continue to communicate with them, to love, to help and support, protecting their own inner peace and maintaining the integrity of its own borders.


There is nothing mysterious human heartthe Man in the relationship is much more important than the woman...

Forgiving who loved men and women, we are able to open up healthy and strong long-term relationship, are no longer afraid to be happy and quietly tolerated the fact that someone can choose to continue the journey without us.

Accepting the imperfect nature of each other in family life, we become sensitive to inner pain and limitations of those who live with us in the same area, try to keep them on the path of growth, forgive every time they stray from the chosen path and making a mistake.

Forgiveness cannot be abstract, there is a big difference between playing a Holy man and be truly Holy. You saw that Holy man stopped on the path to God only because someone tried to hurt or offend? If you learn to forgive move on your path will never stop.published


Author: Dean Richards




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