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"Nado" doesn't work here. Right not to forgive
There's an ingrained idea in society that forgiveness is always a virtue.
It is necessary to “step over” resentment, “let go” of the past.
But let's look at this idea critically.
Is it possible for us to forgive everything, even if the trauma is too deep?
In the real world, things can be more complicated.
Sometimes there is pressure and expectation behind calls for unconditional forgiveness.
The victim will simply forget the wounds inflicted on him.
In this case, the person loses the right to his own feelings.
And "necessary" turns into violence.
Why is forgiveness not always the only right way, and when we have every right not to forgive?
When forgiveness is only an appearance
Sometimes you can face a situation where the offender clearly does not repent and continues to behave destructively.
The victim is expected to receive instant “mercy.”
In this scenario, "forgiveness" becomes a formality - after all, nothing will change.
A painful issue will remain undiscussed.
To say that “one must forgive to let go of the situation” is inappropriate here:
Forgetting does not lead to healing.
Rather, it drives the emotional wound deep inside, not allowing you to truly understand yourself.
Boundaries and self-respect
Many believe that the unforgivable person allegedly “stuck” in the past or shows anger.
But sometimes the reluctance to forgive is not due to a negative feeling.
A conscious decision to set personal boundaries.
Sometimes it’s important to say, “What happened is unacceptable to me and I don’t intend to keep it quiet.”
Such a position does not necessarily imply revenge or constant hostility.
Rather, maintaining your integrity and respect for yourself.
Sometimes the only way to move forward is to admit that the act or betrayal was too heavy.
Overcoming the pressure of “forgive”
We often hear: “To live easily, one must be able to forgive” or “Only forgiveness will give freedom.”
However, behind these phrases is often the depreciation of real feelings.
A person may not be ready for such a step.
Healing takes time, and only those who rush it can.
Those who do not want to delve into the depths of the conflict or try to “curtail” an awkward situation.
In fact, without forgiving, we do not always live in constant resentment:
Maybe we're just admitting that trust has been broken.
How to distinguish healthy rejection from hidden resentment
- Lack of vengeance.
If you have not forgiven, but do not seek retribution,
It may be about your psychological maturity.
I understand that yes, the action is irreparable.
But that doesn't mean you want to strike back. - Clear internal boundaries.
You understand that you will not let this person into your zone of trust again.
They are able to interact with you when necessary.
For example, on business matters or cases where there is no possibility of a complete break of contacts. - Positive dynamics of personal development.
Instead of spinning old grievances in your head, you invest time and energy in your future.
relationships with people who value and respect you.
Freedom of choice: to forgive or not
True freedom implies that man has the right to decide,
When (or should) he be forgiven.
This choice may depend on the behavior of the abuser, on the degree of pain experienced.
A willingness or unwillingness to look at the root of the problem.
If a person decides what they want and can forgive, that’s great.
But if the circumstances are such that it is impossible to forgive now,
There is nothing “forbidden” or “bad” in this either.
Sometimes, a conscious “non-forgiveness” becomes a stage of growing up and protecting your inner world.
The main thing is to distinguish between sincere feelings and externally inspired attitudes about
What "should" or "shouldn't" do.
Trying to follow someone else’s advice about “unconditional forgiveness”
We may lose sight of our own emotions and traumas.
Don’t let someone decide for you what to do with a painful experience.
The right not to forgive is sometimes a necessary element of self-healing.
Especially when there is still pain and injustice in the heart.
And if we ultimately decide to forgive,
It should be the result of inner growing up and balanced feelings.
It is not external pressure from the “necessary.”