It often helps this trick: I pretend that I'm telling kids the message that they receive become their inner voice. Thereby, which will sound in the head then in the future when I'm not around.I stand in myself, an adult, and think what words I want to sound inside?
What we often hear in there, the stress or joy? What words of others strikes us as if they meets inside the echo?
Why “you can't handle” fly off me like ping pong, maybe because I often heard “you'll manage”? Why “you decide” touch me and cause a lot of anger and resentment, maybe because the inside of it is already recorded track?
Than a lot of stress we face, the deeper we fall into the “children's” irrational position. Small troubles easily repulsed rational installations, complex issues raise something from the inside, blow to the gut leaves us to miss the air and raises all this children, with a lump in my throat, unreasonable when off all the backups of the principles and values, and I want to handle or bite from impotence.
And I've presented that as if children come with rings, like trees. And every year a new ring less juicy core, and more hard, dry bark. And the bumps we come across: what the bark a little scratch which strikes in your heart, so silent flowing, transparent juice. The deeper, the less mind, more heart, and feelings. The harder, the deeper there.
So what will remain recorded on each layer, and to support each depth of the shot.
– Mom, I asked a mountain of mathematics on vacation! I hate math!
– Yes, I too had favourite and least favourite subjects.
– Why is it to teach? I'm not a mathematician! I have other inclinations.
– Yes, you hardly will be. But at the level of the school program need to know math.
– Because in the modern world to live. Because you should be able to think in the symbols of mathematics, or who you've become. If you came with the violin or dancing, I'd say OK, don't like, don't have. But the basic school curriculum: mathematics, language, that's all you need to know.
– I'm bored, I don't understand.
– Understanding and interest comes from experience. Let's study more, and come and interest, and understanding.
But I don't love!
– And you are not forced to love. Not love, but do.And here I find myself, never with so did not. And for some reason feel that it is the right thing to say.
And that 5 years was not necessary, and even very harmful, and 8 need. That she's different now, not like it was 5 years. She has accrued several rings, and her other needs. The demand for unconditional mother's love and support was the most important up to 5-6 years, and now she's changing needs for competence, the need for growth and development, needs success. The need for love and support will not go away, but it is nourished and fed, and not her, she now checks. Not my love she doubts, when divided by the fact that she's not good with math. She doubts herself, in their capabilities. It's no longer about me and it is now about it, but I'm just a reflection. And so I'm on the same intuition gave unexpected:
– You're smart, talented and smart. When you face difficulty, you try again and again. Math is your problem, and it's your call. And you can handle him.
I also do not want to sit all weekend, but I'll put your case and I will sit with you as much as you need until you understand and until you are easily. In our family there are no people who give in to difficulties. And know the math is bad you won't. Lagging you're not. You don't have to be the best or to go to the Olympics, but the curriculum you should know well. And if you need more exercise, or my help – I'm ready. But I'm not ready to take the lack of attempts.
She paused and sat alone for some time. Then came the notebook and said “I will be, first, mathematics. Will do, I don't help, just verify and then explain error”. So we have been doing.
10 tasks. 20 tasks. 30 tasks.
Tessa, come on break?
Yeah, but then again I sit.
10 tasks. 20 tasks.
– Let's have lunch.
Now, two more pages.
10 tasks. 20 tasks.
6 hours. 128 tasks.
– I don't even believe that I did it.
– I am very proud of you. What you did today is quite a feat. Was it hard for you, not like, hate – but you were struggling. How do you feel now?
– I'm tired.But I won, mom
. I understand how to simplify fractions, what is algebra. And I don't go into a weaker group.
The most harmful are the following article is confusion in ages. This is an attempt to persuade two years that he is not small. Attempt to persuade chetyrehmetrovoy that he needs to handle himself. Trying to persuade a six year old that he needs to know the curriculum. Attempt to persuade eight-year-old, it's small, and he did not expect. And as my children will grow up, will change my promises, and my expectations that are broadcast these messages. If you imagine that the child focuses on our expectations, his sense of worth and success depends on how he meets them. More important it is that my expectations are age appropriate and, more importantly, capabilities of the child.My message to the children change.
In two years I said, “you're my baby, my baby. I won't let them hurt you. You can count on me. I love you. I am always with you”.
In four years I said: “you difficult, you grow. Everything will come. All the time. I will always support you. I love you, I always with you.”
In six years, I said, “I guess not, it's hard. Try again. If you need my help, tell me. I love you, I always with you.”
In eight years I said, “you can and will cope. You will have to work hard, but I know you will. I'm willing to help but waiting for work from you. I love you, I always with you.”And then I'll say, “this is your life. you're able to make a decision. I don't think you need my help. Trust yourself. I love you, I always with you.”
And then someday I will not ask.
And then, someday, I will not.
And she'll face a hard decision, will rush, what can you do? And hear inside “You are able to decide for myself. Trust yourself”.
And she would have difficulty at work, and will be scared and insecure, and an inner voice say, “You can and will cope. Will have to work hard”.
And she will face rejection and failures, and, left alone, would not myself say “what do you want?”, “but you have to deserve it”, “why you should” and hear “I guess not, it's hard. Try again.”
And someday life will hit her hurt and she's alone, broken, lost. And a voice inside her say, “You're my little. My baby.”
To all our grown children when they were hit in the heart when you do not want to live and not to breathe is not heard in “enough whining, not small”.So when they are born their own children when the world is suddenly shaken and broke from the inability of the incident, in this new, wonderful, strange state and looked at this kitten and said without hesitation: “I love you. I am always with you”.
Author: Olga Nechaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©