When we begin to deal with emotions, it often turns out that we have a huge store unlived. And most of them are not ours. And not even our children. Often we carefully collect and store the emotions of their parents. This is one of the most destructive contemporary trends in the relations between parents and children. And again and again received the same questions:
- And who will listen to the mother if not I?
- Yes, I kind of like not very difficult.
- Mom'll be pissed off.
- Mom will cease to communicate with me!
- Mom has a heart attack or something like that.
- Well, I must take care of her!
- Who if not I?
- What happened to "respect your mother"?
- What are you for the horror of such talk!?
Sixty million eight hundred twenty five thousand four hundred twenty eight
In my experience, eighty percent of mothers merge the negative children. Both young and adult. Both girls and boys. Dad, too, sometimes do things like that, but much less frequently. Most of all, of course, suffer daughters without their mother's knowledge turn pocket psychotherapists and "girlfriends". The older the child, the less mother's scruples on this subject. It seems that adult — so it's kind of like should and must. According to my personal statistics (for letters and questions from readers) this is a sore subject, because eighty percent of daughters — if not more — become a drainage ditch for the emotions of their parents, and "for food", without any "thank you", but still with serious consequences.
What are the consequences of such a relationship?
In short, for his goodness and complaisance, for convenience for mom and her imaginary salvation, you will have to pay a very heavy price. Are you ready to pay?
- Violation of the hierarchy. When someone gives their negative emotions, he becomes younger. That is, girls their moms "adopted". Tribal energy in this place ceases to flow as it should. Further, many different inflections and implications.
- In consequence of the violation of hierarchy, the girls themselves are left unprotected without a strong parental front. They all listen, and they themselves have nowhere to go, not to anyone. How small and useless orphan.
- The girls did not have enough strength on their own children. Yes, listen to your children and tolerate their emotions forces already there. Yes that children — at her husband, the same is not enough. Mom is full to the brim with emotions of their mothers. Exhausted and raped.
- Moms who "treated" their mothers unwittingly turn their children to the same therapists. By inertia. No one else to tell, to endure forces either. What all you need to do, and only children. Children can't run away, turn away from my mother, I can not listen to her. And everything continues again.
- If we listen to the emotions of the mother, between us spoil relations. Becoming such a gutter, we have almost no chance to keep the respect for her — if you are not saints, of course.
- Spoil and other relationships — for example, if mom complains to you of his father, it becomes harder to respect and love. If the cause of her troubles is your brother or sister, then the relationship between you is also strained to the limit.
- Often girls who "save" mom, are unable to marry or maintain a relationship with my husband because every day is devastated, exhausted, and nothing can give a man.
- You enter the infernal triangle "victim-rescuer-the Punisher" and can walk in circles all my life. And there is no healthy relationship, alas. And out of it very difficult.
- Parents lose the opportunity to stay older, respected and Mature. And furthermore, the ability to solve their problems instead of chewing them for years.
Forty five million seven hundred sixty two thousand nine hundred twenty
If so, we can continue. If not, then you should think about a fallback plan.
But how to get out of it? Just stop to listen. Firm and determined decision. To understand that it is too costly to you and those around you.You can translate it into a joke:
- Mom, I'm younger than you for as many years as I can know and understand better than you!
- Mom, well, you found someone to tell, I'm still an egg that the chicken does not teach!
May try to tactfully change the subject or turn the conversation to something else. Can try not to listen, thinking of his own, abstracting from the proceeds from mom's sound. May in response begin to pour out your emotions from the first minute, they say, yeah, you know, I have here at work is now going on! Now I'll tell you what's a nightmare! Can you try to explain to her what consequences that has for you and your psyche, and for kids (though not the fact that she's ready to hear it).Can hard enough to mark the position:
Can offer other solutions to the problem:
- You're dad got married. Picked it out herself. For me it is as important as you, and I don't want to hear about the fact that children are not affected.
- Not satisfied with the Pope – divorce.
- Mom, every time you call dad I will stop talking (and at this point, be consistent).
- Mom, stop, please, pour me all this, I'm not a garbage can.
- Mom, I'm your daughter, not girlfriend.
- Mama, you big, I small. It is your task to give me support. My strength is your grandchildren.
- Mom, you should find a good psychologist?
- Mom, here is a book to read, maybe it'll help.
- Mother, go to confession and tell your priest.
- Mom, tell it to her friends or dad.
- Mom helps prayer, God try to talk about their experiences.
Try to invest in every sentence warmth and love – how is now for you possible. Then even harsh phrase will not be so greatly hurt. Stop parents every time it starts. Be consistent.
Try to do this with a soft heart in which the love of the mother, although your tone may seem hard.
But the worst for all good daughters — be prepared for her offense. Yes, painless to break this interweaving will not work. Yes, you will hurt the feeling of guilt for some time, and the mother is likely to be on him and shame on you to actively push. Be prepared for it. Will not you once and to preserve the relationship, and stop listening.
You live too long in such a relationship, much to resist. Rarely what mommy is ready to hear the child and to stop the flow that cannot be stopped. She's probably offended, angry, call you ungrateful and abandon you. Will tell you many unpleasant things. Not give up. It is also possible to understand.
Imagine you are twenty years went to a therapist for food. That is, you feed him, he listens to you. You not ask him whether he wants to listen or not, at any time, bring all that is dumped. And feed three times a day. You at some point, it becomes easier.
So many years pass, and everything is normal and familiar. Your "doctor" is always at hand, not listen to can not stand and is not going anywhere, and is not so expensive.
And if this is the therapist said — enough. More not going to listen. Even for the food. Even for money. Enough, enough, cannot, don't want.
What you are experiencing emotions? It's not fair! How can he quit on me now! No right! Is a traitor! He already knows everything, he already knows, he has nothing to explain who this and who that. Other therapists cost money, for food not want to work. And this is always there, always listened, tamed, and now all is listening.
Can such a connection, which for many years "arranged" both to break without resentment, and pain? No. Even if the other party is not happy, but she was silent, silence is regarded as consent. Therefore, hurt is bound to be. Both sides.
But the pain is healing. It can gradually take your relationship to a new level. At least in your own heart, and this is the most important thing.
It takes several years after such a "betrayal by a therapist" and you will understand that trying to return all "as it was" useless. Let's see how much money over the 20 years saved. Maybe even say thank you. Will find other ways of release. And your therapist, too, at last, exhale and engage your life that was lying neglected all these years. Only such awareness takes time – and sometimes a very long time. Take your time, do not expect that such adoption and restructuring can be quick and painless.
And you should again think about yourself. You need a mother. Every girl needs her mother. One that is not just the bore, and which continues to unselfishly give warmth and love even of an adult daughter. Which continues "to collect and containerwith" her emotions. Not always this can become a mother. Often moms do not have this strength of heart and warmth to share with children. And for girls of any age is important. And for your mom and for you. But as we begin with ourselves, and here it is worth thinking where you take what you need.
For me, one day in Vrindavan, there was this very important meeting. Early in the morning in the temple I met with a spiritual sister of his spiritual master. She is an amazing woman, I've heard about it. And I just greeted her in passing. She saw me first and maybe last time. But you know what she did? She took my hands, looked into my eyes, hugged me in a motherly way, and said, "I'm so glad to see you". And that's all.
It took no more than three minutes. But my heart was suddenly filled to the brim, and even over the edge. That day I felt what true maternal love, what it can be and should be. How far from me. And how hungry I am for her.
At the same time, I realized that to beg where this love has no or little pointless. More effort spent and frustrated with their expectations. You need to go where this love in abundance. Not poking around in little puddles, and to go to the ocean. There is enough for everyone. And it heals very quickly and unconditionally.
So if mom is difficult, go where there is a mother's love. This can be a relative, older friend, a colleague, a spouse of a priest, a nun, a grandmother, a neighbour. Search for warmth of the older woman. And you will be surprised how quickly it heals and how much easier then to talk to the mother and to refuse her. These women, many among those who truly prays and has a relationship with the Lord. Is there and look for them.
Healthy parent-child relationship is not where "you're not going anywhere" and "you owe me". And where I want to help, but as much as I can at the moment.
Where I have the right to refuse or to make his own way. Where I am is not a convenient thing for my mom or dad that you can wash the dishes, to earn money or to clean out the heart dirt. But, where I'm also a person that has his own. When I take from parents and give it to their children already, then.
Scientists have named the reasons why people forgive reallyChaos theory in everyday life or As a Cup of coffee can ruin your life
Where I respect those who gave me life, and care for them when they take care of themselves can not. Care as I'm comfortable, not going beyond. With love and respect. Not just out of duty. Such relationships and need each of us. At least in your own heart.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva