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Ellen Henriksen: learn to refuse without feeling guilty
"No" is one of the shortest words in any language, but it is often difficult to pronounce. Ph. D., psychologist Ellen Henriksen explains why each of us should learn to say no without feeling guilt at failure, and offers seven simple ways to reject onerous requests.
Each of us got into this situation: you are swamped with their own stuff to deal with, but here goes the magic call from an acquaintance, or comes e-mail from a partner, or just to you colleague with a request to do something for him/her/them. Asks for a "little favor". You would be happy to help, but just short of a century, it seems, not even enough to clean up at least their business, not that of others.
Sometimes we say Yes because we offer promises relaxation and new emotions or other bonuses. More often, however, we do not feel anything but disappointment we feel bad, we feel obliged, resentful or feel that we are under pressure. And when we are forced to reject almost guaranteed to feel guilty.
Doctor of philosophical Sciences, the psychologist and the author of the blog Savvy Psychologist Ellen Henriksen, which itself often falls into a similar situation, wrote a short note to Quickanddirtytips.com where explained why to learn to say "no" without guilt, to each person, and offered to master the 7 simple ways of failure. We offer you to get acquainted with this small but useful list, written without irony.
How to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty
Let's start with why you don't have to feel guilty when forced to say "no!". First, guilt is an emotion that occurs when you are doing something wrong. If you hurt someone, it is appropriate to feel guilty. When you say "no", it can create any additional hassle for the person whom you refuse, because now he has to ask someone else or otherwise to rethink the situation — but it is far from inflicting pain and harm.
To make this clearer, consider a block diagram in which the word "no" just sends someone in the other direction. People — motivated and creative beings. If you tell them "no" they pereorientirovanija and choose a different path. You are Obi-WAN Kenobi — rare that one person is someone's only hope. Almost always there are other options that can bring needed benefits to those who need it.
Secondly, we often feel guilty because not only I think that hurt another person, but expect that he will retaliate. We think, "She's gonna hate me", "He gets mad" or "I'll get fired." Our brain loses the worst-case scenario. Instead, let's take a step back and look at other, more likely possibility, that our brain skips, immediately focusing on the most negative scenario.
Ask yourself — what would be the more likely scenario? Perhaps someone who asks you for something, you will first be disappointed, but will understand you and get help somewhere else. Or let's generate the most probable scenario is thus: what happens when someone tells you "no"? You whoop it up, you have burst blood vessels and starts to go frothing at the mouth? I think not. So why this double standard? It is reasonable to expect that the other will react in exactly the same way as you — that is quite reasonable.
So, here are 7 ways to say "no!":
Method # 1: Offer an alternative.
This is the easiest way to say "no". Decline the request, but offer a consolation prize. "My schedule just does not allow me proofread dissertation before the deadline, but here is a link to a great article about the five biggest mistakes when writing a dissertation, which must be avoided." Just make sure you don't offer an alternative solely out of guilt; your goal is to try and do to be useful to the questioner, not only to feel less guilty.
Method # 2: Connect empathy when you say "no".
Demonstrate that you really heard and understood the request of the person, will help him feel better, even if you ultimately can't do anything for him. Confirm that he is trying his best or that he is dealing with a complex task. For example, "You make all the efforts to make the perfect wedding for your sister; I would like to take the organization to free up your hands, but now I just can't."
Method # 3: Refer to something objective.
Explain your unavailability to your schedule, workload, other responsibilities, or other external objective circumstance which is beyond your control. And to avoid embarrassment while continuing, "are You busy this week? Then how about the following?", add: "I'll let you know if anything changes".
Method # 4: Refer to something subjective.
In the same vein, how do you bring external circumstances, use of internal subjective factors that affect you. For example, refer them to your taste, skills and style. For example, "I'm going to refuse to conduct the event, so as to be on stage — it's just not my thing."
Method # 5: Wrap the denial of a compliment.
Say "no", but this "no" was a compliment to the person about something asks. "Thank you for thinking about me" or "I am grateful for the opportunity you gave me, and asked me in the first place". Personally, I try to do it when fundraisers stop me on the street — I only occasionally make donations, but always tell them that they are doing important work and wish them good luck.
Method # 6: use their arguments, do not lose vigilance.
We come to more advanced tips. Some loved ones will pressure you and ask more than once, or will pester you to try, you will not get tired (some of these ones may be not more than 10 years; two of these creatures living in my house).
In such cases, normally use the classic technique of a deformed plate — just give the same answer again and again. This does not mean that you are heartless — you can empathise with them, wrap them in hugs, but you must not allow to transform your answer from "no" to "can be" and — in the end — "Well, OK, just once" and "Excellent, come again." Just stick to the original — no.
Method # 7: Say "no", not apologizing.
This is the last lesson on "no". Just as guilt, apology occurs when you are doing something wrong. It may seem that between the lack of apology and the rudeness is too thin a line, but believe me, it's "no" can be helpful and polite. The questioner will not even miss your "I'm so sorry". For example, "What a lovely idea to make handmade ornaments for the reunion! However, it should be noted that I am not a woman. But I can make a good sangria". TA-dam! No apology is required.
Final tip: Make your "no" fast and clear. Don't delay your response saying that you will think about it, saying "maybe" or answering "Yes" and then "no". You may think that saying no was wrong, but in the long term a clear, timely response is more polite and is really in the interests of the person about something asks.
Are happy women large bags?
To be able to think: Where the thought is there and the energy
For those of us who like to think that we are able to do everything, the ability to say "no" may seem an unprofitable business. But we should not be supermommy, handyman, or persona "you-can-always-on-me-count" for their friends. And when we're not trying to do all this, we get their bonuses: time, energy, and — most importantly — respect.published
Source: monocler.ru/nauchitsya-govorit-net/
Each of us got into this situation: you are swamped with their own stuff to deal with, but here goes the magic call from an acquaintance, or comes e-mail from a partner, or just to you colleague with a request to do something for him/her/them. Asks for a "little favor". You would be happy to help, but just short of a century, it seems, not even enough to clean up at least their business, not that of others.
Sometimes we say Yes because we offer promises relaxation and new emotions or other bonuses. More often, however, we do not feel anything but disappointment we feel bad, we feel obliged, resentful or feel that we are under pressure. And when we are forced to reject almost guaranteed to feel guilty.
Doctor of philosophical Sciences, the psychologist and the author of the blog Savvy Psychologist Ellen Henriksen, which itself often falls into a similar situation, wrote a short note to Quickanddirtytips.com where explained why to learn to say "no" without guilt, to each person, and offered to master the 7 simple ways of failure. We offer you to get acquainted with this small but useful list, written without irony.
How to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty
Let's start with why you don't have to feel guilty when forced to say "no!". First, guilt is an emotion that occurs when you are doing something wrong. If you hurt someone, it is appropriate to feel guilty. When you say "no", it can create any additional hassle for the person whom you refuse, because now he has to ask someone else or otherwise to rethink the situation — but it is far from inflicting pain and harm.
To make this clearer, consider a block diagram in which the word "no" just sends someone in the other direction. People — motivated and creative beings. If you tell them "no" they pereorientirovanija and choose a different path. You are Obi-WAN Kenobi — rare that one person is someone's only hope. Almost always there are other options that can bring needed benefits to those who need it.
Secondly, we often feel guilty because not only I think that hurt another person, but expect that he will retaliate. We think, "She's gonna hate me", "He gets mad" or "I'll get fired." Our brain loses the worst-case scenario. Instead, let's take a step back and look at other, more likely possibility, that our brain skips, immediately focusing on the most negative scenario.
Ask yourself — what would be the more likely scenario? Perhaps someone who asks you for something, you will first be disappointed, but will understand you and get help somewhere else. Or let's generate the most probable scenario is thus: what happens when someone tells you "no"? You whoop it up, you have burst blood vessels and starts to go frothing at the mouth? I think not. So why this double standard? It is reasonable to expect that the other will react in exactly the same way as you — that is quite reasonable.
So, here are 7 ways to say "no!":
Method # 1: Offer an alternative.
This is the easiest way to say "no". Decline the request, but offer a consolation prize. "My schedule just does not allow me proofread dissertation before the deadline, but here is a link to a great article about the five biggest mistakes when writing a dissertation, which must be avoided." Just make sure you don't offer an alternative solely out of guilt; your goal is to try and do to be useful to the questioner, not only to feel less guilty.
Method # 2: Connect empathy when you say "no".
Demonstrate that you really heard and understood the request of the person, will help him feel better, even if you ultimately can't do anything for him. Confirm that he is trying his best or that he is dealing with a complex task. For example, "You make all the efforts to make the perfect wedding for your sister; I would like to take the organization to free up your hands, but now I just can't."
Method # 3: Refer to something objective.
Explain your unavailability to your schedule, workload, other responsibilities, or other external objective circumstance which is beyond your control. And to avoid embarrassment while continuing, "are You busy this week? Then how about the following?", add: "I'll let you know if anything changes".
Method # 4: Refer to something subjective.
In the same vein, how do you bring external circumstances, use of internal subjective factors that affect you. For example, refer them to your taste, skills and style. For example, "I'm going to refuse to conduct the event, so as to be on stage — it's just not my thing."
Method # 5: Wrap the denial of a compliment.
Say "no", but this "no" was a compliment to the person about something asks. "Thank you for thinking about me" or "I am grateful for the opportunity you gave me, and asked me in the first place". Personally, I try to do it when fundraisers stop me on the street — I only occasionally make donations, but always tell them that they are doing important work and wish them good luck.
Method # 6: use their arguments, do not lose vigilance.
We come to more advanced tips. Some loved ones will pressure you and ask more than once, or will pester you to try, you will not get tired (some of these ones may be not more than 10 years; two of these creatures living in my house).
In such cases, normally use the classic technique of a deformed plate — just give the same answer again and again. This does not mean that you are heartless — you can empathise with them, wrap them in hugs, but you must not allow to transform your answer from "no" to "can be" and — in the end — "Well, OK, just once" and "Excellent, come again." Just stick to the original — no.
Method # 7: Say "no", not apologizing.
This is the last lesson on "no". Just as guilt, apology occurs when you are doing something wrong. It may seem that between the lack of apology and the rudeness is too thin a line, but believe me, it's "no" can be helpful and polite. The questioner will not even miss your "I'm so sorry". For example, "What a lovely idea to make handmade ornaments for the reunion! However, it should be noted that I am not a woman. But I can make a good sangria". TA-dam! No apology is required.
Final tip: Make your "no" fast and clear. Don't delay your response saying that you will think about it, saying "maybe" or answering "Yes" and then "no". You may think that saying no was wrong, but in the long term a clear, timely response is more polite and is really in the interests of the person about something asks.
Are happy women large bags?
To be able to think: Where the thought is there and the energy
For those of us who like to think that we are able to do everything, the ability to say "no" may seem an unprofitable business. But we should not be supermommy, handyman, or persona "you-can-always-on-me-count" for their friends. And when we're not trying to do all this, we get their bonuses: time, energy, and — most importantly — respect.published
Source: monocler.ru/nauchitsya-govorit-net/
