To assign blame or Who is offended, and hurt...

What does a cook?

Recently listening to yet another emotional story about how "a he-goat!"and barely seizing the moment, I tapped into this stream of consciousness and asked:
- Why are you such a goat out?
The answer is simple and logical:
And he, then, was not so!
Oh, well, so would immediately and said. Now, it is clear — I say — so when you married him, he was "normal" was, and it is you that "goat"?

Characteristically, the talk in problematic situations begin with a description of what HE/SHE is "bad". Weak half of humanity is trying the beautiful (and very emotional!) to tell that"all men are bast...", and those, in turn, blame their once "one and only".

Ten million thirty four thousand nine hundred eighty

When something happens in a relationship often want to assign blame, and according to the principle – not me!
"This is his fault!"with tears prove it.
"She is the reason we broke up!"insists on being right it.
And both, full of grievances do not notice as cease to live in your "today". Or are immersed in the eternal yesterday, constantly spend too much time in my head and in conversations with the people closest who-who-what-said, who as-received (all in past tense, mind you!), or go into a strange "tomorrow" coming up, "I told him next time we meet", "see how she without me will live".

But life is always only in the moment "now".And at this point everyone is free to choose your reaction, your emotion, your actions.

Everyone chooses:

  • To leave or to stay.

  • To destroy or to build.

  • To stop or continue.

  • To communicate or to remain silent.

  • Emotionally to sort things out or to constructively discuss the situation.

  • To discuss him/her with his / her immediate circle or close this topic from others, because "thanks, we'll take".

  • To blame the other and try to change his behavior or to work on yourself, look for yourself solutions.

  • Take the remote in your hands, or giving it to others, play the victim.

If you want to work — consider that in such difficult situations concerning the relationship the two of you choose? Let this exercise this will be. Right here you can on the above pairs mentally to once again walk. The choices you make? The result you currently have is the consequence YOU made a choice.So how? Who is there to be offended?

By the way, about the offense…
I was lucky, my childhood was not only my grandmother but also great grandmother. I caught her, quite old, but this light, such a wise. A lot of what comes to mind when I think about it. Much gradually and comes…

For example, she often told me:

"who is offended, and hurt»

and more:

"cease to be offended, will cease to offend you."

When later came across in some magazine on a famous phrase of Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Nobody can hurt you without your consent»,

I thought someone already told me that, somehow, I already know that...

Thank You, Grandma! I remember. Remember and understand. Then, much later, happened in my life, Professor Petukhov Valeriy Viktorovich, where, in the spring, I was talking about emotions. There sounded:"Offense – a lot of cooks!". So simply and lucidly did. Came to all, even to eternally distracted gallery. In fact, it's very simple…

Who is "for life" is offended? One who is not inclined to take responsibility for themselves, who prefer to wait for something (what-what – changes!) from others. «Offensively!""I am offended" — these familiar words. And what is behind them? Charges in your bad mood, state of mind. And that's all! Resenting, the person recognizes:

"I am a hostage situation. Nothing depends on me.
I am not able to change anything.
I react (cry, cry, go silent, etc.), because he/she…
I don't make the decision for me to decide...".

A familiar conversation?

"Offense – a lot of cooks" — this long-known folk wisdom (or, maybe someone from the great said?) very vividly reveals the situation. "Cook," here is a term, as a symbol of slavery. Depending on the proverbial "circumstances" from someone else's behavior, from emotions in others. I still have in that regard comes to mind (remember the old movie about Aladdin?) fairy tale about a Genie who lived in a Magic Lamp which, with a sigh, defeated, called himself "the Slave of the Lamp". When Aladdin, or any other person(!) he took the Lamp in his hands and gently rubbed it, Genie out of the lamp and sad, but pathetically uttered:

"I Am The Slave Of The Lamp! I hear and obey!".

So, offended, as the "servant lamp" with a light "rubbing" – "listens and obeys". His "loss" and he pathetically said "I'm offended!". And, as a sequel, "Never forgive!". But this is another story…

«Never forgive!"is an eternal "Slave of the Lamp"!

When a man says so, it sounds like a Declaration:

"I choose to be
in this state, in this mood, in this relationship.
I don't want anything to change!
Keep it that way.
I need a reason for suffering and I myself provide.
The remote of my life in my hands.
It only remains for me to react."

Especially often female half of humanity this is a mistake: "I can't forgiven him!""How can this be forgiven!", "Never forgive!"... Men act the same way, but rarely say aloud about it.

I am reminded of the famous parable…

Once two monks returned to their monastery. The conversation the way did not seem tedious.
On a dirt road, eroded after a heavy rain, they met a girl. She could not move through the fast stream.

Without hesitation, one monk took her in his arms and carried. The rest of the way monks passed in silence. At sunset, already at the walls of the monastery, who had been silent all the way, the second monk could not restrain himself and rebuked the companion:

- I can't forgive you for your action! Why did you do it? You also know very well that we, the monks, it is impossible to look at women, and even more to touch them!

-I just moved the girl across the Creek, ' said the other and left her there, on the road. And you still carry it!

"Can't forgive" is the position of the human slave, managed the faint of heart, insecure, not confident and therefore attempting at every opportunity to show their worth. He will always find a reason once again to be offended.

Many people subconsciously like it when they are in a state of resentment. It and is clear – it is possible, puffing out his cheeks, to be the center of attention, you can feel the sense of self-importance before the "offender" when he decides to apologize. Convenient position.

Often, resentment is violated expectations.

All expectations from our past experiences. Was waiting for that to be the case... But he/she did differently... Expectations do not match with the obtained result. What man does? Resents. Very often the conversation about it comes when apart the relationship as a couple. From each other waiting for something. But sometimes silent, as guerrillas, they say, — let them guess. Well, if he realizes and acts according to the expectations, "correct"! And if not... Then resentment.

Maybe it is better to talk about? To agree "on concepts" — from the beginning, or the appearance of the first "offensive" situation. To save yourself from its recurrence.

But it takes DESIRE of the TWO! The desire to talk. The desire to maintain and build.

And even now reveal the secret.

Although it's not a secret at all, just so we arranged. If you ask whom you've offended (although after this conversation, it may be already not relevant to your question), so – if you ask me now, in your "list" will be all entirely very family and loved ones. So? Verify! Make your list, at least in my mind. Mentally run through it because the future does not happen! Really?! The way it is... love, and their emotions (in the form of offense!) and throw out! So – for a change. And what else? Also something to think about, right?

Well, finally – a phrase briefly heard, but it is very said:

"To be offended is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your offender."

It would be possible to start and do anything about it do not speak.

Ninety three million one hundred forty eight thousand one hundred sixty

©Noell Oszvald

What to do with all this?

  • Remember that "nobody can hurt you without your consent". And if you want pretentious habit to declare: "I am offended!"or "it's a Shame!"in the same moment, remember that you are now – as "the Slave of the Lamp" that has no choice: his "loss", he was offended. Is this about you? No?.. Then why all this "enthusiasm"?:)))

  • Resentment of unfulfilled expectations. Expect something from others, and not waiting, decide to react to your resentment. To not have to resort to such a reaction – it is important to learn to live without expectations of something from the other.

  • About the "here and now" is also important to remind... (l "get Rid of the anxiety. Briskly. Cheap. With the song!") Life is real only in the "now". "Was" or "will" is only in your head. It is — just thoughts. What's the use to pull them along. Besides, where thoughts are, there is speculation... And speculation is another story.

  • Always everything is negotiable! But it needs the desire of the TWO.

  • "The best remedy for resentment is forgiveness" (Seneca) published


Author: Irina Ryzhkova

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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