The Golden rule of neurosis: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

The "Golden rule" of morality, of course, useful in the human community. The undeniable benefits of its negative form ("do Not do to others what you would not like yourself"), when it relates to reserved things: do not kill, do not steal...

Neurosis occurs when we do to others what you do not get them themselves, hoping to achieve after this faithful service and hard work.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." Note: all the same as yourself, not more.

But many of us sacrifice in secret (unconscious) based on the response of the victim, depriving themselves of the last resources.

Why plow neighbour's field when its not the groin? Of course, in the hope that the neighbor will show awareness and, instead of his field, on my.

How it looks is not in metaphor but in real life?

Someone is waiting for symmetric actions in response to their efforts, some broader gratitude, admiration, recognition.

...For example, a mother who never buys himself anything superfluous, and often even necessary, because waiting for that husband and children will "behave", to justify her expectations and take care of her in gratitude for her sacrifice.

The girl is an introvert who is afraid to refuse the meeting, active, sociable friend, because "judge for yourself" and is confident that access to people is a sign of extreme need in another person.

An employee working overtime at the request of the administration, out of hope for an award or increase...

To do what I need myself.

In Gestalt approach, this protective mechanism (the mechanism of the interruption of contact) is called reflexia (projection + retroflexion: the removal of something beyond your self and transfer to another title for themselves).

Why such a complicated scheme? Why doesn't everyone just care about themselves and then about another?

As a rule, protects the mechanism are unconscious (once forbidden) feelings, needs, desires:

1. Fear and shame to be "selfish".

People may think that this is, at least, ugly and unworthy, for the most – dangerous other people for "selfishness" can judge, to envy, to cast, to hurt.

2. Pride, self-respect.

May be the ban to be proud of yourself, enjoy your success and share that joy with others, "to brag" and then "I'm good, just taking care of each other; only then I am worthy of praise, admiration, awards".

3. The right to a gift.

To get something from the other seems nicer than to do himself. However, everyone wants from time to time to feel yourself under someone's wing, not alone, protected, patronized. If "deserve" is the only way to be taken care of, the gift, the attention, the heat, we fall into the trap of profilaxie.

Who most often gets into this trap?

  • People with a large deficit concerns: those about whom they cared little in the childhood, children are dependent (like alcoholics, drug addicts, gamers and workaholics), as well as depressed and traumatized parents. As a rule, children in such dysfunctional families take on the role of caring adults and "adopt" parents.

  • People with a surplus (excess) care – children protective parents, learned this model from adults. Their profilaxia often rests not only on the mechanism of imitation, but and the guilt instilled by parents ("I'm with you all my life put, and you...")


The short answer to "What to do with it?" in this case is: to understand your needs and care first and foremost about them, and then about the baby (husband, mom, girlfriend, etc.).

And even better – first ask them whether they need this care. published


Author: Irina Abroskina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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