The protective mechanism of polite people

Our mind in the process of growing in order to survive and maintain themselves in this huge and confusing world, creates protective mechanisms that serve to eliminate or minimize negative and traumatic experiences.

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The effect of protective mechanisms aimed primarily at maintaining the stability of self-esteem of man, his ideas about themselves and the world image. To make a world for themselves as safe as possible.

One of these protective mechanisms is the interruption of proplecia that occurs when one person does to another that would like to have for himself (the term proposed by Sylvia Crocker). Profilaxia combines projection (when their own emotions, traits and desires attributed to the other person) and retroflexion (when one takes back what was addressed to another). This protective mechanism of polite people often allows others to get what they need... but casually, innocently artful way.

So, during the Victorian era, it was not customary to ask directly... If you want to drink, for example, it was necessary to first ask the other person whether to drink it. Can wait for it: "no, thanks" and the same question. Only then you can answer "Yes" to the person to whom you reached out, gave you water from the other end of the table. It would seem that you should just ask them to transfer the water without all these overtures. But no... this is bad.

Tale "the Fox and the Crane" is also about Proflex. When everyone else was offered what was good for him... in the hope to obtain from the partner the same in return. Such marriages are not enough, and at the present time. When one in a pair does not feel happy and blames the partner, creating scandals due to the fact that his efforts were not accepted.After all, it really hurts to try to anticipate reactions, to invest the time and money and you result to reject and devalue. But few people think about the fact that the efforts are not accepted because of conicto they are not asked. What else actually needs something different, such as a piece of meat, and chocolate you want. Another need faith in him, and to rush to help solve the problem — you need. Others need a rest, and go shopping you need…

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Manifestations of proplecia can often be seen on Facebook (when you click "like" button not because I liked the post and liked your page). When we speak words of love only in order to hear their response. When a girl asks a guy if he wants to go to a restaurant... but really she wants. When a friend gives you a birthday bag, which is ideal for her shoes etc.

Profilaxia bothers to communicate directly because the family request was not accepted, pride would not allow, it is not convenient, afraid to get rejected (because then you can face the trauma of rejection), it is not decent, "good girls don't do that", etc. Because it seems that you know a partner as yourself (and even better than he himself knows). Because there is no experience to speak directly about their desires, to see and hear the needs of another. Because silently counting on the generosity and politeness of the other person, his act, as if inviting him to play ping-pong, but not given his true intentions. Just waiting to see what he otobet the ball back. It's like he's becoming a must.

Proplecia is not a bad defense mechanism of the psyche... until, until it starts to cause bitter suffering from unrealistic expectations, causing a burning sense of resentment ("I tried so hard, did so many things, but he!"). But when you start to analyze the situation, suddenly comes to the realization that there were no clear agreements were all built on fantasies, fantasies, illusions. And, ultimately, led to frustration and regret about wasted time. For example, as in the story about my grandmother, who lived with her husband a long life, giving him his most favorite treat – bread crumb. She choked a crust because they believed that the most delicious needs to feed her man. So it took fifty years until the Golden wedding of grandfather timidly asked to give him a dry crust of bread. It turned out that all his life he loved the crust, but it was inferior to his woman, and he bit fiercely hated crumb…

Love you say? No... profilaxia. published 


Author: Oksana Shubina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©



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