Shame and fear: WHAT are we passing on to their children

A child is born free. From fear, shame, guilt, prejudice, and other debris in which they live adults. One of my goals is for my children free from that, it was always, or as long as possible, or as freely as possible.

When the eldest daughter was born, I realized that I was standing on a hummock in a swamp. Not fed, not clothed, I don't know enough songs, then don't talk, don't explain, cry, do not know how to apologize, do not communicate affection, not able to keep the irritation, not enough progress, little circles, many circles, it is bruising under the eyes or just a thin skin, a lot of cartoons, vaccinations are on schedule, poor city chosen for life, and no, it's fine, I'm a terrible mother and no, "good enough", it's all right, Oh no, everything is bad...



Books about parenting are written to help those parents and not cause them guilt. But the more I read, the stronger became my conviction that I was doing everything wrong. Had a vicious circle: I am ashamed and scared, I make mistakes — I go to read how to fix and do correctly — are horrified that I've done wrong and feel even more guilt and fear to make a mistake again — nerves again make mistakes with children, and, it turns out, infect them with your fear and shame, and to suffer more.
 

And if from outside came some, even a small doubt in my parental competence, then it's lights out.

And then, with great effort, I remembered why I read — to fix and then to do it right or just better. It happened only in peace, only after a very painful analysis of their own fears, feelings of inferiority, shame and guilt, which stretched from childhood. Very disgusting and scary in the process discover that telling the child the same phrases that he had heard in childhood, and even thought you'll never say that to my children. But there is no peace and order inside, the poison will go out.

I really want my children to love themselves, sincere, honest with themselves and others, free and confident. It's possible to grow only on love, acceptance and tranquility.
 

That's what I'm trying to save and protect themselves and their children.



• Fear of being unloved, abandoned and, as a consequence, a dislike to her

You cannot say "I'm leaving", "You'll take the policeman (the evil uncle, the witch, toad, adder)", "Who are you need", "I will Not talk to you ever, "For what you give me such a punishment" "I'll Give you to the orphanage, let them bring up", in General, of course.

• Fear of being "bad" and shame to be me

What triggers a double life have grown children, and then adults, fear and reluctance to admit their mistakes, ask for forgiveness. When the child is unable to properly handle its violation may not confess because he did not give the opportunity to remedy the situation or at least apologize.

"You should be ashamed", "Normal kids don't do that", "All, too late to ask for forgiveness", "Do what you want now"... Later this could become still and in fear of trying new things, radically change lives. Man gets stuck because he is afraid of failure, afraid not to meet expectations does not understand that failure, too, experience the source of knowledge.

• Fear of being ridiculed

When the child (and later adult) ashamed to say that it is deeply concerned, worried, about their feelings, dreams and plans; afraid to even look the way he wants. "You look at yourself, do I look like?", "Who dresses that way? Some kind of clown", "who kicked your dog? Wish I had your problems", "Oh, you think it's important."

The banter, the depreciation, irony, sarcasm. Up to a certain age the child is not clear what it is, and he takes everything literally. This leads to lack of confidence in its solvency, affects the choice of profession, partner.

• Fear and shame to talk about their feelings, show emotions, subsequently failing to defend their opinion, to protest an adult

Anger is a normal reaction to shouting and insults. Anger, not fear. It is therefore important that the child that anger is not lost, even if a parent goes too far and loses it.

Well, no phrases such as "who do You think you are?", "Are you special?", "Don't mouth off to a senior!", "Sit down and shut up". And here also gender stereotypes "suck it up, men don't cry!", "You're a girl, stop shouting and swearing, it's ugly", "You married a smart one will not take."

• The shame of their own desires

From food preferences and choice of clothing to choice of future profession. "You may now ask?"

• Shame to talk about puberty, physiology, relationships, security in these areas

When the child is forbid to be interested in himself, the differences of the sexes, sex, do not give age-appropriate information, it often leads to the sad and dangerous consequences. From the inability/hesitation to formulate a complaint to the doctor to misunderstanding of personal boundaries and the inability to withstand psychological or physical violence.

 

Also interesting: James Altucher: My kids can do what they want

About sex education — what then is corrected years

Generally, of course, I want my children was not afraid and not ashamed, able to think critically and to appreciate ourselves. I want them to not be afraid of me, dad, anyone from relatives or strangers, but to have the instinct of self-preservation. And for that she learn not to be afraid and not to be ashamed, because it is transmitted faster from the flu.

To live with a constant sense of shame, guilt and fear, unbearable and destructive, and for us with kids this is not exactly right.published

 

Author: Sasha Pais

 



Source: ponaroshku.ru/blog/styd-i-strakh-chto-my-peredayem-sobstvennym-detyam/