Imagine for a moment that I'm Your father. I know it may seem a little strange, but just asking You: do it. And as long as You don't read to the end of this article, call me "dad".
Now let's imagine that what we have is one of those soulful, heartfelt conversations that You often see in the movies. We sit in the yard, sipping beer, listening to the crickets and watching the moon slowly appears over the horizon. The atmosphere naveivaet us memories of an interesting movie that we once watched together, or about how You bathed the cat in the toilet when You were only five years old.
Now imagine that in this perfect moment I'm inspired by the gods (and, to be more precise, three mugs of beer), suddenly decided to share with You some piece of fatherly wisdom, which was supposed to radically change the interior of Your mind. Let's imagine that I say to you, my beloved sons and daughters, which I sometimes can't help but unconditionally love and accept. I want to share with you my fatherly wisdom, namely the three vital skills you were never taught... Pirst a vital skill: ToAK to stop taking everything so personally
A side effect of our consciousness is that we believe if everything that happens in our lives has a direct relevance to us. In today's the tube You cut to some car. The news You watched on TV, incredibly pissed You off. Significant increase in profits in the company where You work, let You earn more money.
We tend to think that most events have direct relevance to us. They define us and our lives.
However, I hasten to disappoint You: if You are experiencing anything, thus feeling a certain way (e.g., worried), it does not mean that what is happening is certainly due to You
Perhaps now You are sitting on the rocks and see the incredible beauty of the sunset, but, seriously, to You it is irrelevant.
It's hard to accept, but not because that's the way our brain. The fact is that the habit of taking things personally is good from time to time.
To think that You deserve all the good events that happen in Your life, because you are a wonderful person, fine. However, You should not forget that in this case, bad things also should be interpreted as relating to You.
And, as a consequence, if You ride the roller coaster of their self-esteem that rises and then falls. At this time You are going through dizzying highs and crushing downs.
When things are going well, do You consider yourself God's gift, a man who deserves recognition and admiration at every step. When things are bad, You turn into a righteous victim who did not deserve what was happening to her.
The constant in all situations is the only feeling that You deserve something. It makes You an emotional vampire, antisocial black hole that only consumes energy and love of others without giving anything in return. When people criticize or reject You, it is likely that this applies more to them – their values, priorities, life situations – rather than to You.
I think that You will be unpleasant to hear, but other people, by and large, still on You, since they are concerned only with themselves and exactly the same as You, taking the events in their lives, at their own expense.
When You fail, it doesn't mean You are a bad person. It means that bad things sometimes happen. Difficulties are part of the journey, the tragedy of death is what gives meaning to life, and pain is not biased and it affects all without exception.
The second vital skill: How to be reassurance and to change their point of view
Most people, when their beliefs are questioned, holding onto them as if they were life vests on a sinking ship.
The problem is that it is the beliefs and pull them down
For most of us, beliefs are not just ideas that we believe to be true, and the main components of our personality. To question these beliefs to be questioned who we are, and, You know, fucking painful and unpleasant.
For this reason, we prefer constantly plugging fingers in his ears and shouting "La-La-La-La-La-La" in the hope that the unfortunate proof of our wrongness will magically disappear.
Take, for example, a person who does not believe in climate change. He is not stupid. He understands what the science says, and give it arguments. The problem is this: at some point, he decided that beliefs about climate change are inextricably linked with his personality. Once it is in the area, it is unlikely to convince ourselves.
However, this attachment to beliefs concerns not only science and politics. I had the opportunity to observe how this affects the majority of people in everyday life.
Take, for example, Dating. I know some men who until now (since high school) are convinced that women do not like nerds, and in order to attract the opposite sex, they need to have a lot of money or an expensive car. These beliefs were relevant in sixteen years, but when You're thirty-two, they ruin Your life.
You will have a lot of mistakes in my life. In fact You will make mistakes constantly. And Your ability to succeed and learn in the long term will largely depend on the ability to abandon unhelpful beliefs. You ask: "How is it done?"
There is no "how". It's all in Your head. There's nothing you can do except mentally try on a new perspective and ask yourself: "What if the thing that contradicts my beliefs were true and determined my identity? What would it mean?" Then try to answer this question.
At first You will be scared. Your brain will resist it. However, skills are acquired only through practice. Try the following:
make a list of twenty things from Your life about which You can be wrong. It can be not only material things. I'm sure my understanding of physics is sorely lacking in many respects, however, this is not the main thing that I have to change my opinion. Put into question their deepest beliefs associated with Your identity:
- I'm not a lovable person;
- I'm lazy;
- I don't know how to communicate with people;
- I'll never be happy, because I feel that was stuck in place;
- I think next Tuesday will occur the end of the world.
The more emotion is You have the belief, the more important it is, so it certainly need to include in Your list.
After You put on paper all the twenty things in front of each of them write what would happen to Your life if they were incorrect.
At first You will experience some fear, because on a paper leaf written so many of Your beliefs that You are unwilling to question. However, think about this: how can You be sure of your own beliefs, if You've never subjected them to doubt, if You've never seen the other side?
You have to develop the ability to see the "other side."
The third vital skill: How to act without knowing the result
Almost everything we do throughout our life, attached a clear result. In school You write a test that the teacher could assess the level of your knowledge. House You clean my room to get reward from their parents. At work You do what You says Your boss, because they get paid for it.
There is no uncertainty. You just act.
Teacher should control You write it. Mom wants Your room to be clean, You clean it.
However, in real life not all things work that way. If You decide to change career, nobody will tell You which path to choose. If You decide to break up with someone, nobody will tell You, whether You have acted correctly. If You decide to start a business or move to another country, nobody will tell You what is best. And for this reason we avoid making decisions. We do not want to move forward and take action without being sure of anything. Because of the inaction of our life becomes incredibly boring and monotonous.
Many ask questions like: "How to find your purpose in life?" "How do you know what will the relationship with a particular person?" "How should I act?" To these questions no answer.
Firstly, no one except You can decide how You will be better. Second, the fact that You turn to some guy on the Internet (or look for it in the book), already is part of the problem – You definitely want to know the result before you take action.
In one of the episodes "the Dark knight" the Joker shares his life philosophy: "I just do"
Despite all the terrible crimes of the Joker (we're not talking about that are talking), he knows a lot about life. "Schemers trying to control their little worlds..."
The bottom line is that sometimes You just have to act. Do things because You can, because they exist. When George Mallory was asked why he decided to conquer Everest, he replied: "Because he is." Add to your life a little chaos. It won't hurt in small quantities. Instead, it stimulates growth and development.
Also interesting: the Suffering is a legitimate way to relax Unconscious ask the right questions
The ability to act from curiosity, interest or even boredom – the ability to act, not hoping for a specific result or a reward – will help You make better decisions in Your life. Yes, this can result in thousands of small setbacks, but ultimately, You will still succeed. published
Author: Alexander Dino
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©