Criticism is an event in someone else's head: how to respond to the comments in his address

© Puzzleman Leung

Criticism on emotional scales outweighs the praise. Negative events brighter imprinted in the memory, so the loss has a larger emotional weight than buying. If you think about it, it is quite logical from the point of view of survival. Be mindful of the risk and present it in a more positive way is more important than thinking about the award. The damage from negative events (shot or cut finger — no matter) teaches you how to avoid physical danger and to be in good relations with the environment. Good things useful and important to remember how to achieve them, but long to think about them does not make much sense. A similar view in his study confirms a social psychologist, Professor Roy Baumeister: "the Negative emotions, judgmental parents and critical response has affected us more than good."

A natural side effect of such a revaluation is negative — greater passivity in life. It seems that the damage from the bad result is greater than the reward for good, so reasonable as seldom as possible to take and to try something new. As said writer Elbert Hubbard: "if you Want to avoid criticism — do nothing, say nothing and be nothing."

By and large, what tends Hubbard: even though criticism is painful, the complete rejection of it is too expensive from the point of view of social life and creative goals. Maybe it's not impossible. However, even if we understand that we overestimate the value of criticism, some one may torment us all night, even if for a day nothing bad happened. How to prevent criticism to invade the mind in this way?

Criticism is an event in someone else's head First of all, we must realize that criticism is based entirely on the experience of the critics, not the object. It all starts with the internal reactions of the critic, with the ratio of what he sees, and what it reminded him. If someone thinks you are a sycophant, it is possible that you simply remind the person of a sycophant with his former work. You may be using in the speech of the same phrases and wear the same sweaters. In the mind of the person you embody the negative experience from the past, so it is bad to you is out of habit or as a result of the Association, and everything you do goes through this prism.

We are constantly reacting to how others behave, comparing what we see with what we've seen in the past, and it happens very quickly. This is controlled emotions, and we don't have time to think about whether premature conclusions about a particular person, and General insights or just observations. This analysis occurs without our knowledge or desire. The only difference between critical and non-critical view of things is voiced the thought or not.

Criticism, in its everyday, non-scientific sense, in external signs. We look at a person and see something we don't like. The thought develops: "I've seen it before, it's bad." But everyone's situation is different, even if they are one and the same. You haven't seen before this scene, at least, she was not quite the same. You just can't for the time that is required for the formation of judgments, to understand and appreciate the innumerable invisible factors which can be the cause of a statement or act of the person in which you are currently focused.

The only difference between critical and non-critical view of things is voiced the thought or not. So, to criticizing the process of judgment are often very superficial and ephemeral, while the facility often sees criticism as an indictment, which relates directly to its inner essence. Although it is actually critical to say, "I don't like how it looks". In the mind of the addressee, the phrase turns into "You don't have to be what you are."

Hours, days you resent the fact someone dared to say about you something bad. But this is not about you. Criticism really was just a reaction to the fleeting outward manifestation of where you were in a random party. She passed through the world of man, his emotional state and personal experience. Criticism of the external manifestation of internal alarm that concerns you just because of the circumstances. Any person is much harder than one of his 10 thousand external manifestations, but the most critical judgments is based, primarily, on what you thought in a certain day, at a specific point in time.

Of course, despite the superficiality of the criticism, the remark may not be completely accurate. It works especially precisely, if the object of criticism knows about it, because in this case we have to admit that sometimes he can be petty, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, or guilty of some human sin. But even if the criticism finds fault with you, criticizing a negative impression and hurt your image is not the same thing. Critics do not see what you see: they did not look into your soul, do not see her flaws, they just unwittingly reminded about something that they don't like.

These two feelings, criticize and object, like ships in the night: everyone thinks that he is alone in the sea. Therefore do not take normal criticism as something very personal. You may learn about yourself something new, noticing how unwittingly agree to what people say, but that doesn't mean that their criticism meaningful assessment of your personality. Of course, there are exceptions: for example, when a longtime friend who knows you well, criticizes you on some long-standing issue. But that happens only few times in my life, and usually it is good.

Put yourself in the place of another In any case, it is much cheaper and more useful (it drives in minimum of inner torment) assume that a criticism — just an event in someone else's head. If we are not falling into the trap of defensive reactions, we can use one of the most effective tools to respond to criticism with empathy.

Initially, the spotlight focuses on the relationship between external criticism and our internal sensations. Can you use this the first "shot" and to remember what really is a criticism? This is an internal relationship between what the critics see, and sense, which for him occurs.

Richard Carlson in his book, "don't worry about nothing" gave the key to the problem: "Just out of interest, agree with criticism directed at your address (and see how she will depart)". It's more effective than it seems. The point is not only to give discharge to the critics and to deprive its subject of criticism (though it can help). It is more important to understand what you are doing that may cause suspicion or concern outside observer.

When you notice that you start to respond to criticism, remind yourself that you are simply observing the external manifestation of an involuntary game loose associations in the mind of another person. Have critical may not be any real reason: he might not understand, it is wrong to assume or have a too limited view of the world, to realize the value of what you have said or done. But in any case, most often you will be able to understand what provokes criticism, if you try. It may be that this is something that you often criticize others: arrogance, excessive admiration of their own ideas, insecurities, and hypocrisy are just some of the qualities that everyone has.

Even if you believe in unfounded criticism, you can learn a lot, if you wonder where it comes from. The reason may be quite reasonable (just you never thought about before), and maybe this is a common misunderstanding that needs to be clarified. The situation also can induce the idea that not everyone will understand the reason for your action, that may be quite normal. In any case, it lowers their enthusiasm and dulls the desire to engage in an argument or attack another person.

When you notice that you start to respond to criticism, remind yourself that you are simply observing the external manifestation of an involuntary game loose associations in the mind of another person. That you say or do, they see their own past, not you.published




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