Seventy six million one hundred seventy one thousand three hundred eighty six
Lamenting the fate of the aged and abandoned, sometimes drunken, degraded, or even gone mad, wife, impossible to bypass the topic of the responsibility of husbands.
About the responsibility of men in General, talking without me. But more often than not.
For example, say that the ex-husband owes his wife half of the property + generous child support (her, not the kids) because, while she worked as his wife, she didn't make a career and now that he dumped her to start from scratch can not.
Gentlemen (although ladies usually say), do you really think that 1) money to compensate for the degradation? 2)man has to give half of what I earned by the sweat, blood, risk, the one who all this time had cleaned his house and did small shopping errands?
Let's be honest and Frank:
1)degradation of the person does not pay any money
2)the work of a housemaid has a market price and very small, not half the business.
Here usually start very contradictory arguments.
Why is degradation, some say. Is raising children and maintaining a home is necessarily a degradation? Well, no, if it's for someone's prosperity, development and self-realization, then cast the wife should not feel marginalized, worthless, unwanted, not respected, not be angry and jealous husband, and should feel that over the years while she was a housewife, she is very advanced and has become much resursna than when I got married. But no, usually abandoned wives say that the years they had foolishly taken, resources consumed, the youth has passed, and nothing appeared. And that is what husbands owe them. For a sacrifice. So, dear, person, sacrificed, nothing will pay for.
On the other hand, no wealthy husband, who had abandoned the boring wife, does not believe that all these years have accepted her sacrifice. On the contrary, it provided her comfort, which many women do not have, it might not work, the standard of living it was high, and many other women would like to be in her place, maybe really fought for it. That is, to agree that it was the victim, the men very difficult, as their conscience no press. Can't be a heroic victim of what many people dream. Logically inconsistent.
However, the responsibility on the husbands still lies. Most husbands feel this responsibility, usually in the form of feelings of guilt, aggression cover. Aggression guilt is covered because nothing can be done. To live with a woman who seems so dull, stupid, vulgar and ugly — it ruin his life. To bear in front of her continued service and listen to how you ate her life and how she must now, too, Kondraty enough. To help her really impossible. Therefore, it remains only to be angry that it is not enough good — for-nothing lazy, and ungrateful selfish.
I can say these men only one thing: I had previously thought.
And I want to list bugs, which many men have in their programs, but do not know that is a bug.
Bug 1. "Female happiness — there would be darling nearby"
Most men know that to be happy they need to satisfy their social ambitions. Ambitions are different for everyone, but certainly as soon as they appeared, large or small, they must be satisfied, otherwise there will be anguish. About women many men are in error, that they have ambitions either do not exist or their ambitions to marry and have a baby. The bug is reinforced by the fact that women themselves confirm this.
But if men knew that mean women under the "don't want to work, want to be a wife", they would be very surprised. Women have in mind that want to be the boss of her husband, and not even the chief, the Queen or the mistress of the sea. All he will achieve in life, a woman wants to assign, not only the material, she wants to own his thoughts, feelings and even its soul. That is, it will not be grateful to be thrilled by the fact that she went some way to commune, she will be the mistress of all, what will he do in life. Sometimes a disgruntled mistress, if he did enough in her opinion, sometimes happy, if he tried.
Men underestimate women's ambitions, the ambitions of women no less than men, and even higher, and if a woman wants to be just a wife, then to manage, she decided not to production or the company, and by a man. So if one day he will understand that it is not too appreciates her work, considers her happiness his life's purpose, this woman will feel cheated and devastated. She will try to regain power, and if not, will severely avenge. Or samorazrushenie myself and hate my husband.
Bugfix: do not encourage the woman the feeling that you are ready to become to her a field of realization that she can tie up all your ambitions with you, and you agree. You don't know what I signed up for. May she turn their bellicose ambitions in the social sphere, and builds only the rear and leisure, all will be better.
Bug 2. "Dependent wife=convenience marriage"
For the sake of strengthening marriage, many men encourage everything that will make their wives more dependent, both materially and morally. They are often trying to persuade them to leave, to abandon Hobbies, stop hanging out with old friends. The more a woman snaps at her husband, the safer it seems to him, and his own affection. If she doesn't have anything to live for, nowhere to go, no friends, nothing to do in my life, it will be much loyal to him any more patronizing and hotter, I think men. Wrong.
First, such men not think that their own love is not under their conscious control, it can fade away so that the house will be hard, but sex is sickening. Men who overestimate the power of their own will and think that they are controlled by the mind, necessarily faced with apathy in marriage and often don't even realize that this apathy. They genuinely think that the wife is annoyed by their specific words and actions, and if she'll try an aversion to her again will be replaced by love. But no, it's just their wife had gone out, lost her looks and became stupid because in a closed jar dies even the may-bug.
Secondly, too dependent the person becomes anxious and neurotic, not soft and gentle like fantasize men. A man can't relax, tension it accumulates, you receive the aggression, and is languid and playful kitties husband meets a poor creature with a WAN smile, and even with the tantrums. No matter how restrained the woman from the fear of losing her husband, the voltage (jealousy, insecurity, complexes) in the conditions of dependence will translate into a passion.
The great psychologist Kurt Lewin conducted a lot of experiments as it enters the man was cornered, if he obeys the pressure, if you have nowhere to run. It turned out that most people in such circumstances go on suicidal behaviour, commit reckless acts or resort to self-aggression, that is starting to destroy himself (e.g., sick).
Bugfix: to think that the more the dependence, the better the relationship — savagery. The dependence of the norm should be, but reasonable, quite comfortable and mutual. If a woman is dependent, but all the time doubts the affection of her husband, her anxiety will increase and destroy the shared space.
Bug 3. "Children need a non-working mother"
Disabled person — a person devoid of adequate self-perception. He doesn't know who he is, he does not have his bearings, he feels the helplessness, anxiety, social disorientation, fragmentation of the world picture. Men who think a woman can not work, relying on her husband's work as their own, do not understand that in this case, the woman identificireba with him and wants to manage his thoughts and feelings. Husbands who want wife saw him as a support, but did not climb to it in soul and tried to control it, know nothing about psychology, or hope that the woman would suffocate myself in anything I turn into a vegetable that will, on the one hand to rely on, and on the other hand are not even interested in what he builds and how.
Work desirable to all, and especially women, emotions, thoughts, energy that form the new man. Of course, to combine work and maternity work the first months of a child's life is extremely difficult. Therefore it is very important to help the mother in her maternal work (especially that of the father is a father, not just to read, for grandparents too — to become, not mean), to reduce the work as much as possible that it was still work, that is, was valuable, important, interesting, which it is not entirely symbolic earnings.
In the most extreme cases possible (though not necessary) to take a risk and a year or two may not work at all, but in this case, you should think about what might work somehow to replace, maybe it's education or some kind of creative, important hobby that gives a woman the opportunity to feel like a person and not a strange matter. An anti-social person not just will not be able to pass on to children the right paradigm and attitude, he'll give them social anxiety, uncertainty, fragmented identity and a lot of complexes.
Bugfix: do not treat the work as a burden, from which a strong knight has to save a favorite for the happiness of children. It's like to start eating your favorite, saving her the trouble. Work is the main power for the person, and depriving a woman of work, you are depriving her of supports and self-respect and their children with adequate, stable, truly loving mother. Can only love a person, a creature with no identity can be associated, dependent, merged together, but love in the full sense of the word can't.
Bug 4. "Hierarchy deprives conflicts"
Many men think that conflict is always a division of power, and if power strictly belongs to one, there are no conflicts, the second would simply be to obey and to agree. Therefore, men often tend to "bend" a woman, for the common good to save the relationship from the fighting, and the woman herself from unnecessary doubts. Strong power, they say, is the order in the country.
However, anyone unquestioningly obey only in two cases: if it is very scared and believes that obedience will save him, or if he fully trusts that the leader is acting in his favor. Therefore, the woman obeyed and not rebelled and then, implicitly or explicitly, will either have to keep her in constant fear (and ruin pretty quickly, since people can't live under stress), or to give her very large bonuses. But the appetite is growing, good people quickly get used, and what yesterday seemed a gift today — in the order of things.
Therefore, the majority of men who took a course on hard power, waiting for a life full of unpleasant surprises. How will rebel woman, how she is going to retaliate, as it would undermine its credibility depends on it. Perhaps her rebellion will be in the form of autoaggression, and she just begins to wither and hurt, hanging on him the blame for it. Maybe she'll try to humiliate the man and to smear so that it did not think that this is it. Often such female aggression is unconscious even to herself, she doesn't realize she hates her husband, she feels like she is randomly doing silly things, and her tantrums — it's PMS. But PMS is the only time when to restrain themselves, many women become very difficult, and comes out that had been accumulating inside.
Bugfix: there is nothing better than mutual respect and balance of power. This is the most comfortable, robust and sustainable structure relations. Of course balance doesn't negate the fact that in different areas the unconditional leadership may belong to one or the other, depending on who is better versed. But it has nothing to do with power and oppression, is just the area of competence, the partner is interested in proper management.
Bug 5. "Women excites submission"
Some men are afraid that if they will not impose power in family life, women no longer "see them as male". The idea that somewhere deep in the subcortex of the female seamed that her have raped the forest in the middle of a brutal male, has damaged the brain of many men.
In fact, everything is easier. Both men and women perceive sexual arousal as something that captures them and subjects will, in this sense and the essence of the concept "passion" — "Passio", something that makes a person passive, enslaves his subjects. In this between men and women there is no great difference. However, if a man can obey only elements — the charm of a woman, her beauty, her sex appeal, of their erections, but not someone's personality, the identity of the man doesn't want to obey, and if some person claims to power over them, he can tune out every sexual program and included protection for women the subordination of the individual man in a sexy space — it is acceptable and sometimes even desirable. This gender difference, which eventually leveled, but still.
I then read more explain this point, I want us to notice that the difference between m and M is not so great. The man also wants to obey passion to relive the fun. Exactly the same goes and when a woman is that her man "won". The mistake of thinking that by "conquering" many women mean roughness and strength and even more disrespect. Most want charmed had infected its sense, subjugated by force, and forcing to melt and to be thrilled, struck their imagination, and in any case not stupidly forced. Only some women like the moments of coercion, and then only in a defined framework usually a game or real, but with a bunch of important conditions. If the situation is beyond the scope and conditions are not met, the fun gives way to annoyance or even disgust. This is a very delicate area, where a step to the side — and the fairy tale ended.
Bugfix: to a woman could see in the man a strong personality and feel that craving, no need to suppress the woman, do not need to show force on it, it is better to conquer any difficulties and challenges in life, to demonstrate the power in society, and her Vice versa to give tenderness. If a woman is wary and frightened by the man's behavior towards her, she not only "surrender to him" you can't, and just relax and think about sex. Neither men nor women think about sex when something poses a serious threat to their identity.