Loneliness in pair: take an honest look at their relationship

Once, 15-20 years ago you chose it.

How old were you? Seventeen – twenty – twenty-five? It was a big, bright love, touching and tender. It was the passion and the courage to be together.

You loved each other…

And now next to you perfect stranger that you can't break up, but living with him is unbearable.

Sixty eight million two hundred ninety eight thousand eight hundred fifteen

Two parallel realities, existing in one time continuum. Such incompatible different, it is not clear at all how you manage at times to intersect and be embedded in each other's lives.

Two quite similar people. You and He.

You see the world different, you feel different, you make different conclusions.

Your world is your world. and his world is his world. but the gap between them.Over the years, this gap is getting wider. Misunderstanding and claims more. Alienation transforms the relationships in the communion of two frostbitten idols who try to hide their hatred behind a mask of indifference and cynicism.

Training in derision and bites, they make your skin more impermeable, and the limits of bullying in the relationship wider. Together with this boundary grows and the abyss of alienation.

Behind the mask on the faces of not only anger. but terrible deep pain of loneliness.The road to alienation - a familiar, stiff, filled with pain, tears, resentment. Like a bag of bones it rattles back. The farther into the alienation, the less understanding of ordinary human warmth, empathy, tenderness, sympathy. The more cold, irritation, indifference. Each step in alienation is the new level of density of the viscous wall between two people.

The road to intimacy is unusual and risky. It requires a lot of energy, where each step is done first.

The road to intimacy is through shame.Ashamed and afraid to show weakness, fragility, vulnerability, naivety and stupidity.

The road to intimacy is always a pen test, an attempt to present themselves in their intimacy and get in touch with the intimacy of another person.

— Can I make it so?

Each of us has idea how to behave like a different person. Why should he want to and what to think. There is a large reservoir of social truths about how to behave like real men and real women. These representations are made of granite. When a woman says: “I believe that a man should...”, her face freezes in a haughty mask. The voices of all grandparents, aunts, girlfriends and mothers are United in a common impulse – “don't love it, unworthy! You deserve this and more! Look at who you chose!?”

And a woman struggling to remake darling, that was not so embarrassing.

In addition to the instructions of the society of the perfect man and this man in the head of every woman lives the image of their father. What he was, what he was doing, and what is not. This is a daughter's first love remains forever in the shower. Good dad was or bad, to women's consciousness, he remains the benchmark against which unconsciously compares all the men in my life. Mom boy also remains an example whether he knows it or not.

“he's different. not like dad and not like I want to see. he's kind of completely different”.We are different, uniquely different. with a different Outlook on the world and on many things. and the more we have of this difference, the more opportunities for interaction, the more freedom and room for maneuver.

From childhood we are taught that boys are the stupid ones. They need to teach, to educate, to Refine, to transform into a man.

Many of us grew up with the syndrome of Malvina : “Boys are so rude! They need to be constantly reminded that it is necessary to wash your hands, clean socks, the cure for them need be watched, otherwise they will hurt themselves, drinking, contact with bad company, lost, lose the way and will not choose that direction.”

Many of us are sure that a man is needed to guide, to nurture, to raise that without us he is powerless.

We are trying to lead the force that is beyond our control. these pathetic attempts funny.Men perceive all this with irony and dismissed as a pesky, annoying flies. Yes, when a young girl purses her lips and stomping the leg is very nice and touching, and the guy is willing to do something for her and for her. But the years pass. The woman over forty. And the behavior remains the same. No poignancy, no mercy anymore. Remains just an annoyance.

This mutual irritation makes wider and wider chasm of alienation between a man and a woman.

Unmet need for love, affection, tenderness, understanding and support responds with acute chest pain; resentment is choking a lump in my throat and treacherously scatter my tears at any touch. The relationship turns into a wound that prefer not to dig up, once and for all sykousis with the idea. – “We are different. We have nothing on-to another will not work. As there it is.”

Every year of estrangement is becoming more tangible, mutual irritation turns into a “cold war” resolved “the nonaggression Pact”.

Relationship moving in the direction of exclusion where souls are frozen in a mute cry for intimacy, depressed imperious hand of grievances.The woman from time to time hopes and dreams sometimes at bedtime, that is where the man who will love her and appreciate. That this Prince is the real narrowed, he walks somewhere on this earth, and unwittingly, waiting for her. It is just to get up the nerve to divorce, as there will be hope for a bright, happy life.

But as soon as the divorce thoughts cease to be thoughts, attitudes such piercing pain, as if together with her husband trying to tear off part of the self, is actually part of the body.

During the joint lives, a large number of years next to a man and a woman come together as the trees, the branches of which are intertwined. And the gap is felt as the loss of a huge part of yourself.

Someone's getting a divorce, but in fact it stays together.

Someone, in the face of pain and horror suddenly gaping loneliness, does not dare to cross that line.

To the relationship from this point on added quiet desperation, as the undisputed recognition of his own weakness and helplessness to change anything.

Relationship indevout, are covered with ice crust and slowly step by step moving along the road in the dead of alienation.


We were taught to close, to keep his inner pain, to nurture grudges and “be proud”.

To swallow the insults and wear them for many years? -  Ha! – simple.

To erase a desire ? and this.

To learn to not feel, not hear, not see, to live in their own inner world, in contact with the outside world at the minimum possible. Back and go.

To nurture our hate, to keep an archive of offense, getting in a pose of haughty females of course. But how else?

Rigidity, inflexibility – install “or you do as I say or I will turn on you”leads to the fact that for many years both turn away.


The decision to change course is the first solid step. Not all dare him.

But then the despair becomes unbearable, or the need for proximity at the time drowns out the “voice of reason” and allows the woman to feel your heart and see what connects her with this man all these years. But at some point, the woman decides to give himself a chance for intimacy with this man. And from that moment the two people a chance to thaw the relations and gradually step by step to get out of alienation.

To restore intimacy and love in estranged relationships is how to grow a seriously ill child.It is important to remember that the course changed during each conversation, while all attempts to approach.

About these new, emerging, reveals the relationship need to take care of the child who is recovering from a serious illness and learning to walk again.

To support, to care, to cherish, not to demand what he is not yet able.

To notice and to celebrate the first, even seemingly small successes – a warm look, a kind smile, a hearty laugh, offer to get together.

The path towards each other is filled with potholes, land mines, pits and “old sores”. They are easy to stumble, to hit and flop into old grudges and familiar scenarios.

The usual response is always ready. To teach yourself to react differently, you need to aggressively keep the course. It's like riding a bike – you first need a lot of strength to keep balance, but after a while the drive becomes a mass of pleasure and gives a lot of pleasant hours.)

PS Not all relationships are worth saving.

The ability to look honestly at their relationship sometimes leads to a deep realization that in this relationship there is nothing to save.

Here, as in the first case, it is important to decide the direction of life. And step by step to move in this direction. To myself real, to the opportunity to live a different life.published 


Author: Irina Dubova

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: psy-practice.com/publications/lichnye-otnosheniya/odinochestvo-v-pare-vyyti-iz-otsepeneniya/


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