I was born in. Was born special. No, I didn't feel it. Then, when we have learned to feel and understand.
What family I was born? I had a choice. I could be born in a family where the parents decided that "it is time to have a child" — like at all. Or, for example, that mother made that, "now he's definitely not getting away from me" is about my father. Or, let's say that "age is running out". Or second marriage "fixed" me. I had a choice where to be born, but there was almost no choice what to be born. And I was born special.
Akulshin Oleg. Narcissus (sketch)
My feature – I'm not a child, I function. So I was conceived. Here's some of my functionality – it puts me one step to an object or car with something soulless. And in the place where people have the soul I have a hole – a bottomless pit.
No, it can be corrected, of course, still there – in early childhood. Even with all the conditioning of my birth. If parents loved me just because I'm me. Would be interested in my feelings and experiences. Happy that they have I am. But it didn't happen.
I always felt not good enough: "could be better". And not good enough compared to the other: "look at them straight, and you...". And was worried that I might reject in this regard the closest people to me. I felt that I have the burden of expectation, and I'm not good: "when I was your age, but you..". And it was a shame. I also felt guilty: "I your appearance refused.."
Anxiety was the background of my life that can not cope, can not, do not match. Anxiety in finding estimates from others: "What am I?" And fear of this assessment. Anxiety, shame, guilt, envy, fear, jealousy, powerlessness, contempt, desolation, disappointment – the underlying feelings that were held in the void of bottomless well of my soul settled by the slime on its walls.
Sometimes I felt on "top of the WORLD". So – with all capital letters, of course. Joy, happiness, fun, excitement, inspiration, fun, excitement – these feelings spoke of such moments of triumph.
When did this happen? When I was able to obtain the most five, for example, or a poem on a chair or tell the violin to play for guests or in competition to win – in General, something successfully done. Then I loved and praised. And I admired. And parents watched with love and pride: "It's OUR baby!".
This lasted a really short time. Tomorrow or in a week it was unimportant and not valuable to those for whom everything is for the sake of whose love it all. And the bottomless emptiness wells inside of me devoured these short flashes of light.
I grew up and learned from their parents. The first thing I learned is to appreciate and depreciate. And it at me turned out even better than they have. Because they spread not only on your achievements, your qualities, themselves, but also on others and the world in General.
My life is like a roller coaster. The euphoria of accomplishment – feeling God, master of the World, Bruce Almighty — and then the collapse into the abyss, the emptiness of their failure, of his own nothingness.
Bright life? Yes, bright. I'm the Prince — Beggar, the airplane in the cesspit (thanks to Anna Paulsen and Julia Ruble for metaphors – author's note) And this swing is great tired. I have insomnia and other psychosomatic symptoms. Sometimes, when my internal alarm exceeds the limit of my strength – I get depressed.
"I am only when I.." — this is the condition of my existence.
I'm just escaping the reflection in the mirror of others.
I grew up in. I learned to survive with his emptiness in his chest.
I fill her things: status, things, apartments, cars. Sometimes food and alcohol. Another is that the work and active participation in the lives of others – I try to prove to others how good I am, to somehow reduce the fear of being worthless.
It seems to me that in such a short period – I am. But this is only a temporary feeling. And my suffering, when I reach something desired, only amplified. If that all-absorbing emptiness inside me sucks up all the good – my experience and achievements – I can't assign it to myself, my sense of self-sufficiency – it is so short that it seems that is not it at all.
I'm looking for intimacy with himself trying to find her in close proximity with others. So my life is filled with relationships. But my problem is that I don't know what real intimacy. I reach out to another in search of love, in the beginning I have two fears – of being rejected and being absorbed. Rejected because of his own nothingness – "because sooner or later it unravels and the other see — what I am actually". And the fear of being absorbed, dissolved in the other – "fade my gold, my grandiosity, my goodness what else can touch me".
My relations with the others like a Colossus with feet of clay – brilliant, but unreliable and they eventually collapse. Sometimes the partner he goes – unable to bear "the erection on a pedestal", then "fall" out with a Bang. Or when he get tired of endlessly giving, receiving in return only crumbs of my gratitude, affection and recognition. Sometimes from fear that I was rejected — I do "move ahead", blaming the partner for all conceivable sins – and then the relationship is also destroyed.
I never find in another that what he was looking for motherly love. I don't know what a healthy partnership it is not and can not be. And when I get tired of looking for love, I agree on the rapture. It is important for me to hear about what I do. Without it, I'm gone. And not even admiration for external beauty – but the recognition of my depth, uniqueness, intelligence, originality – that for a short time can bring me to my Ya.
I find it hard to decide on something new. I experience this as "I'm not ready". I'm scared to be untenable, inappropriate. So I'm still on the job, which I was not happy with the person that I do not fit in the place that I don't like. I'm ready to change only when that is — does not fill my inner emptiness.
More than grades, internal or external – I used in all my years of life, I look at the world and ourselves in the world — I'm scared to see experience about the assessment of the experience of shame. This feeling is so unbearable that I squeezed – not aware — I am ashamed to survive the shame. And at the same time, it is always with me – as a total sense of failure.
It is the shame and fear of contact with them prevented me decide to go to psychotherapy. And if I go, of course, to "the best therapist" and more for improving myself. And I'll ask him "the recipe" this very perfection. And I will act according to the proven scheme: idealization – "my case is special", "only you can help me" and depreciation "is not for me, it's not helping me" — devaluing yourself in the process of psychotherapy, "and for that I'm actually paying for" devaluing the therapist, "psychotherapy is pseudoscience, and it is for fools" — the depreciation of psychotherapy in General.
I'm tired to live like that. Sometimes, in particularly critical periods, I even visited the idea "to rid the world of his own insignificance".
What I would like, what you dream and what you're looking for all your life?
I would like inner peace. Would the sense of confidence that "I'm good, even if you don't..". Would not chase whole life for the elusive goals and the elusive image of himself. Would like to feel inside support, fullness, and not a gaping hole. Would like to feel. Would like to reunite with him. To find myself.
If you measure your success by the measure of other people's praise and censure, your anxiety will be endless. ©Lao Tzu. published
Author: Irina Stoyneva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©