It's hard to be a dad

Daddy to be hard. And accord with the famous novel by the Strugatsky here are not accidental: the Pope for kids too, in a sense — God. In their eyes, he is omnipotent and omniscient, he knows everything and knows everything, he punishes and has mercy, he closes himself from the troubles and asks sternly with the guilty. The only question is which God you will become for their children.

And the options there are at least three. Dad can be for a child a good deity, bringer of peace, joy and faith in goodness. Could become a formidable demon, leaving a child's soul is a whole set of fears, complexes and traumas of a lifetime. And it may be a "sleeping deity", a sort of Hindu Brahma, when the father of the children seems to be there, but as it would not, because it is entirely immersed in his infinitely-deep and immensely meaningful personal existence.

The latter two options do not require much effort. But to be a good dad really hard. If only because at least what do I need to stop being evil and lazy.

Seventy four million one hundred eighty six thousand six hundred eighty four

In my papal life all these three persons became intertwined in a whimsical pattern. Somewhere worse, somewhere better, with mistakes and losses I mastered this complex science to be a dad. Some mistakes have been corrected, some losses were irreplaceable. And, of course, I have made some important conclusions. Perhaps someone they will seem banal, but it does not matter: the longer I live, the more convinced — all the important things in this life are commonplace. My children have grown up, and these conclusions is a kind of summing up of my fatherhood.

Main pednisolone I really wanted to become a professional musician. Well mastered the guitar, composed music, played in several bands. My whole life was filled with music, all the values were correlated only with her and other meanings for me did not exist. Then I got married, my wife and I were born one after the other three boys, and behind them — the long-awaited daughter.

Times were difficult, the craft of the musician to make a living back then was difficult, and I went to work on the construction site, a bricklayer. And music decided to leave. Nothing to remind one about former love, sold all his guitars, records, and threw himself into a new role for me — husband, father and breadwinner. But deep down, continued to feel himself a talented musician, stepped on the throat of his song for the family and children.

It's been a few years. One day I went to visit his friend who once played, wrote, dreamed about success. Friend, unlike me, continued to play music, he already had his own Studio, he worked, he recorded albums, performed concerts. And all this time stableful icy bricks in the cold, carrying buckets of cement on the fifth floor, listening to the howling engine of a tower crane and swearing seasoned builders, went to the clutch…

And, of course, I was jealous of him. In it I saw my failed fate — that refused, having gone to work at the construction site.

A friend gave me their album. This was exactly the kind of music we were going to record together. And so I was sad, felt sorry for myself that I said:
— You're done! After you'll have your songs, the works. And after me a pile of bricks that I was given a form.

A friend looked at me in surprise. Then he laughed and nodded to his children, vodivshihsya on the floor with blocks:
Here comes my real works and songs. And all this — he waved a hand toward the music center, is nonsense. A pleasant indulgence.

Honestly, I wouldn't believe him, he decided that flirting or just a guy to comfort me. Now, twenty years later, I confidently ready to subscribe under these words.

A friend still involved in music, and I have long left the site. He has since released a dozen albums, I — a couple of dozen books. And now also confident that the main work of men — his children.

Because music albums and books, once published, immediately go to the past, no matter how good they are. And the kids are always looking to the future. And not in some abstract future, namely yours, the one and only.

That they, your children, to make him happy and joyful. Or painful and meaningless. Or hopeless and terrible. And how quickly in the early years you will be able to understand this simple idea depends your whole subsequent life.

Young men really want fulfillment, I want to prove to myself and to the world that they too are worth something and not in vain, pawing at the ground. This is a normal male desire. But the trouble the men, who it will hide small miracle that still doesn't sound like some achievement and just lying in bed, agukaet or crying, asking to eat or playing with a rattle. The trouble is, if dad sees children only as a kind of inevitable appendage to their creative or career ambitions. Because it will be years, ideas about the purpose and meaning will gradually change, your ambitions will be weaker, and, finally, completely extinguished. And the children will be — already Mature, strong, full of life. And from that, what God you were for them all this time, will depend on whether you see them loving friends, indifferent acquaintances, or you hate the enemies.

Why growl at camacupa in childhood is primarily power. This is your protection and confidence that any threat that you can't handle himself, will be immediately dispelled in down and ashes as soon as you call in your Almighty father.

So my dad has to be strong. Or may not be strong. But live, he still needs to saw him unconditional protection from any danger. And no matter what it is, schoolyard bullies, drunk man on the street or an angry neighbor yelling at them over an empty Cup of ice cream thrown by an urn. It doesn't matter right children in this conflict, or blame. Only one thing is important — it's your kids and nobody has the right to hurt them while you're alive. It is only then, if it turns out that they do mischief, you will admonish and punish. But if during a conflict you for some reason suddenly stand on the side of the oppressors, in the eyes of your children, this will be a real betrayal, which can Islamite your friendship for many years, if not decades.

To me these simple truths were very difficult. I myself grew up without a father, so the idea of his papal duties built on the principle of filling their own childhood experiences — she remembered what I myself lacked in this sense, when I was a kid. And tried to give it to my children. However, sometimes this happened in very strange forms.

Remember when the children were small, our family went to the woods for a picnic. Kindled a fire, spread out a blanket on the grass, began to roast on sticks bread. Suddenly out of the bushes jumped a large dog seems to be a Rottweiler. And, with a snarl, rushed at us, opened his big slobbery mouth. To fight the watchdogs of course, I could not, and indeed never distinguished special courage. But this time, without spending time searching for a stick or an ax, instantly jumped up from the ground, too, growled and rushed towards the dog, ridiculously swinging hands. Probably, I was so stupid that the dog stopped, surprised, bowed his head to the side and all the same gallop ran back into the bushes.

When I not even had time to be frightened, returned to the fire, children, and the wife looked at me with such enthusiasm, as if before them was some ancient hero like Hercules.

Then we had a lot of differences. But that's the feeling when, without thinking, rush into danger, protecting your children, I remember well and then he too followed.

I think that such cases are largely determined by our children of a relationship that has survived to this day. It is only now I live with full confidence that there are three young men who did not hesitate to rush to my defense, no matter what the trouble I threatened.

Protection samanyudu very strong for dad there is a serious danger with which he cannot cope. This danger is himself. After all, for their children the father — God, the Almighty Lord. A man to be God is very difficult: too much temptation to use the power for other purposes.

It happens not at once, small steps, gradually and imperceptibly. But the trouble is that to stop dad on this slippery slope just a nobody. And if he does not do so in time, after a few years of marriage is quite a decent and good man turns into a domestic tyrant, screaming children, handing out them cuffs and ominously sparkling eyes with or without cause. No, he remains the protector of his family from all external threats. But who will protect the family from such a protector?

Dad's strength should be good. Necessarily and inevitably, without any exceptions. Taught by own bitter experience, I am now absolutely convinced that there can not be a dad any valid reason in order to yell at the kids, threaten them and even more handsy. Because children will still love you, even so. But the love of the father will be diluted by the fear and uncertainty that they themselves have something to love. And bitter this "cocktail" that you give them during childhood, then will poison their entire adult life. And you until the end of days will be ashamed for what ago to undo now does not work.

Top to baselinescenario that dad needs to educate not so much by words but by example, will probably be the height of banality. But talking about it is still necessary, because this simple truth has a strange property: it only glides over the surface of consciousness, without penetrating deeper level, which is identified under the tag "well-that-we-have-heard".

One of the most pernicious misconceptions of the Pope — the belief that a child's personality is formed as if by itself, regardless of the example he sees in my father's behavior. Well, or is formed only where the dad decided to teach him a useful lesson, and all the while, the child just "digest" and assimilate the acquired skills and information.

In fact, every second spent with dad around kids is the educational process, regardless of the father's desires and intentions. Every habit, every act, word, gesture, intonation — all this becomes a continuous succession of microrobot on which the child builds their own idea of what should be a real man. Dad for them, the first hero and first love. Of course, then children will grow up and realize that he was by no means ideal. But the importance of this first experience of rapture and of love so great that we often just don't understand it fully.

For children (especially for boys) daddy — God. In his image and likeness, they will grow and develop because of other images in front of them yet, he is the only one so far and main man in their life. And dad should always remember that, whatever he was doing and no matter how unimportant from the point of view of education seemed to him these lessons.

Chekhov wrote that a man must be beautiful and the person, thoughts, soul, and clothes. So, dad for their children — a pattern of man. And from what they see every day of my child's life depends not only their idea of the man, but the idea of beauty, of love, of truth. If they told you when they cynical joke, lied to, whether by phone the authorities, did a voice in a dispute with his wife, he used to wander around the apartment in his underpants — all of this immediately becomes part of the educational process. And the consequences of such "education" must then manifest in their lives. And through them — and in yours too. Fouling once at a baby shower — then wait: after years of flying all this boomerang back, and you're not going anywhere from your own filth.

Smaragda in the children's song sounded a brief but comprehensive formula for the present Pope: "Dad can, dad can do anything. Only mother only mother can't be." Despite the obvious perfectionism, this is a very good definition. No matter how varied the world around us, there are still things that child needs to learn that dad. And for this it is necessary to be able to all that needs to be able to a man with children to swim, to make fire in the woods, to fight, to run into the sky snake, fish, go skiing, play the guitar, build a snow Fort, to cook meat on the coals, sawing, planing, play football and volleyball, to sharpen a knife and axe, to distinguish edible mushroom from inedible... the List can be very long, but the point is, I hope, is clear. And if for some reason daddy can't do this, he needs to learn at least something of those missed childhood lessons. Need to expand the repertoire of their Pontifical and skills to patch holes in my own education, so they are not moved from you to your children.

I have such holes was set, so that through their emptiness had to Wade to quite simple things. For example, I once (as an adult, large dad) friend to explain how one of the most simple scrap materials in just a half hour to make a kite. Not a piece of paper on the rope, and this serpent, able to fly for several hundred meters. But my kid really wanted this snake to build, but... did not have somehow. And I liked the idea, ran home, gathered his boys and say: now we will do a snake.

Ran out to the nearest undergrowth, cut a pair of durable wicker, found the remainder of the polyethylene greenhouse from last year, bought a tape, a coil of strong nylon thread, and I set to work, following exactly obtained from the familiar instructions. The children held their breath, looked at me like I'm a good magician. And I got... nothing worked. The bone, instead of firmly pull willow twigs, hard with them off. The tape was glued to anything, besides what was have to stick. The knife didn't cut, the film stood out, and everything went wrong. The children stood around staring at my questionable manipulation, and thought that's it, and dad will make them real flying snake, which can be run under the clouds. And dad suddenly threw the billet, and turned and walked off to his room. Not enough yet that children saw their Almighty God is crying because of such nonsense as not the resulting snakes.

Half an hour later the door pushed the nose of the eldest son (he was eight years old) and quietly said:
— Dad, I was there, we just sort of did. Just as the tail of the tie does not know. Let me show you.
I went out. We tied to a kite tail and went to the field outside the towns. The day was windy, and everything turned out exactly as I had dreamed about since childhood: the serpent, like a big fish caught on a hook that is elastically pulled thread, circled over our heads, and began to go up. In five minutes he was floating so high that it was barely discernible in the dazzling blue sky. And the kids let him up "letters" from empty plastic bags. And then, like a thread around an empty tin can, listening as the wind sings to the sky, wondering — how far will drop our snakes, if the thread is suddenly cut short. And used to do a lot of joyful things that probably completely incomprehensible to those who have never launched this kite.

About the same creaking and thrashing was the first time I grilled with children kebabs and took them fishing.

In these moments the Pope to be particularly difficult. But it's better this way, "gallop", with mistakes and failures to learn from than to leave things as they are without trying to fill the void, you run the risk of leaving them a legacy.

Two destroyed, dorogie now on one problem where you can stumble even the most intelligent, strong and responsible fathers. You can give your children everything you the most, share the most loved and intimate, to share their experience, which was collecting the crumbs of life. But you should firmly grasp the most important idea: children do not need from you.

They may just not like what you love. You, Almighty God, have no right to force them to love. And such are the same. Because they are human beings like the rest of you, despite the fact that it is still small. You have no right forcibly to drive them your preferences, tastes and beliefs, you can only share with them, offer them what you think is important and valuable. But the choice must always be for them. And you need to learn at some point to quietly step aside, giving its students the opportunity to learn to choose what they heart, and that — across. Moreover, it is not only about adolescence. My first experience of this kind happened, when the first son was not yet three years old.

On a fine winter day we went with him in the backyard. Son took a toy car and began to pave the way for her on the side of a small snow hill. The road got some newdale curve, and I decided to help. Asked him for the car and instantly built on a snow slope dashing serpentine, which here in triumph ride toy. The son reacted unexpectedly. I will never forget his face at that moment. At first he hesitates and somehow smiled, then laughed even picked up the machine and started to play. And then suddenly frowned, cried and became this machine is built to destroy the road until I smashed it all to the last turn. Because it was not his road and mine. And the road — curve and clumsily done — I broke to build your chic serpentine. And he understood it though even to speak did not yet know how. And answered me the same — I broke my way.

To give freedom to the child, even in such seemingly little things, dad can only one way — by limiting their freedom, voluntarily omalev his papal omnipotence. And every year the children's freedom has become more and more. Because only where it is able to receive and responsibility. And without these two qualities of risk to gray hair to remain infantile age, not capable of independent decisions and actions.

Of course, there is a very thin line between situations where the father is simply obliged to compel their children to do anything, and when he is, on the contrary, you need to move, letting them think, feel and act independently. To determine this line, too, is Oh so easy. But we're on and say — that dad to be difficult.

Becoming a good bogacka-you may ask — how is it that an Orthodox person writes about the challenges and difficulties of fatherhood, and still never mentioned about Christ, about the Church.

But the fact that all of the above, just is — about Christ. That the Pope should be for children of a good God. And this is only possible under one condition — if he imitates Christ. If you try to treat people how He feel them as He, to do the same with them, as did Christ in His life on earth.

Amazing words said to incarnate God Almighty: ...learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly of heart. And if children do not see such gentle strength and humble omnipotence in his own father, then even the most convincing and correct his sermons on the Gospels are unlikely to leave a mark in their hearts.

Therefore, to be Pope, though it is hard, but joyfully: your every deliberate step here is the development of the main Christian science is to be Christ-like. Or, as they call it in the Church to be God by grace.

As a rule of thumb, allowing dad to stay on the path I found for myself in the words of St. Justin Martyr: "...that's not what is bliss to have power over others or to be stronger than the weakest... so no one can imitate God; it is not worthy of His greatness. But he who assumes the burden of the middle who, having in any way the superiority of benefit to another, lower yourself, who obtained them from God distributes gifts to the needy, and is God receiving from his hands; he is an imitator of God."

Hurry!And finally — yet another important things. If you became a dad — hurry up to be. Because to be a dad though difficult, but not too long: it will take only a couple of decades, and these unique relationship with your own child for you will end forever. You'll still be his dad, but all-powerful deity, his first hero and first love will cease to be.

So take your time. Each age your child is beautiful and unique, but flies so fast that you risk simply not to notice. And God forbid you decide if the main business of the Pope — to ensure material welfare of the family, but everything else — fishing, playing badminton, reading books before bedtime, trips to the forest, only a papal electives: there are forces and desire — do not — then nothing. Then, when the time will be lost, and you yourself will finally wise up and to fill in all this will not happen, no matter how you try.

Not having to potiticat at the hands of your baby, sing him songs bauline, regret it, hugging her, when he has a tummy ache, to warm him in the night cereal when he's hungry — not having it all the time, you don't do this ever. Because of these papal case you have only a couple of years. All other epochs in the life of your child will be as swift and irrevocable, and you too will be released a few years. Try not to miss them.published 

Author: Alexander Tkachenko

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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