Interview about fatherhood with Svetlana roiz, child psychologist and writer.
- Svetlana, me, Your colleagues-psychologists talked about the fact that the stereotype of the "normal guy to a psychologist will not go" is already a thing of the past. Judging by your practice and your workshops tell me, was it you recently more men to apply?
Really, a course for parents in recent time more and more men. Three years ago there were not more than 10% of all more now. But I always ask, did you come voluntarily, or he was persuaded by his wife.
Or just came to bring his wife joy.If no internal motivation, I usually do not take the course.
— Why so strict?
—If the man came just yielding to the persuasion of his wife, forces, resource, readiness, responsibility for change had not. He will come to counseling only in one case — if it was his inner need and if he is willing to work hard. What I give during my classes (and that is what built the work of any psychologist), requires serious work with their own stereotypes and social patterns.
Do you have any more restrictions?
—I don't work with those people whose query can be expressed by the words — "do something with the world around me, that I was good or easier life". I am glad that more and more people no longer blame their parents, the conditions in the past and what is happening with them now. And that they are willing boldly to take responsibility for the present.
People are willing to evolve, they read, looking for, come to the courses, for advice.They are trying to understand yourself, take care to ensure that they, and their children were more comfortable to live in that world in which we now live.
— My personal observations – fathers do become more active. I became a father 12 years ago, and then men, strolling in the parks with prams, was much less than now. Why do you think now fatherhood becomes more popular?
— The reasons are many. Played a role and open borders. People began to travel more and see the culture of fatherhood in Western countries.
Now there is a slow transformation of attitudes towards children. Earlier, in Soviet times, we had geocentrical culture. We had to sacrifice everything for the sake of the child. Where was dad in such a culture? One of the last. After all, if the child is at the very top of the value system, the partner — male or female — is at the bottom. In this case, for a woman her man enters the child's condition. All probably heard the phrase: "Well, he can," "He same without me..", "Yeah what he understands, this man!" or "Father does not participate in the family" and so on.
Often in a family there is a confusion of roles. When partners call each other "husband" and "wife" and not by name, but "Papa" and "Mama" (we can't be parents to their partners) is necessarily affects relations with children. There were many major historical reason why the man lost 'authority' and power in the eyes of women. For example — the military and postojannoe time when women assumed men's duties and responsibilities. The woman lived in fear of losing a man. Woman is easy enough to start to "work out" male hormones.
To the detriment of femininity and...respect for her man.
Yes, the reasons were compelling. If the father is "an enemy of the people", children are taught to disown them.
— Yes, in many families, lost continuity of generations. And the feeling of roots gives strength. Vitality. Force development and passion for life.
This is our "libido". Libido not in the sense of sexual desire, and in another sense – rooting in life. The person who "connected" with his roots, is in contact with the power and potential kind. There are studies indicating that the structure of the DNA women's information is stored. It is stored for centuries and is enriched by the men's information.When a woman loses contact with his birth — mom, grandma, it loses access to centuries of history.
And instead to strengthen its capacity, a woman goes into male territory, "strengthened" through the achievements of the social world or take care of all. Then in her understanding of men has gradually become a matter of another concern. Of course, she has lost respect for the man. And could not give a child. I once analyzed fairy tales and cartoons in which we grew up. We couldn't see the men. "Brownie Kuzya", for example, and many others... it is not only that the woman raised the child herself. Even if the man was around, he was excluded from the role of education.
WE ALL HUGGED ENOUGH IN CHILDHOOD
— How do you start a conversation if you are on a consultation comes family?
— Before I even was thinking with customers about love as the most effective and important force in the family. But soon enough came to the conclusion that what we call Love is often a form of codependency. Mature love is possible between Mature people. And the maturity begins with respect. First and foremost, to yourself. Now I sometimes ask, "do you Respect your husband?". With respect can begin as General growth partners.And, of course, starts with respect for any education.
A person can be in contact with his or her own child under one important condition – if he is in contact with him, if he respects himself. He gives the child what he has. If it is full, harmonious, it can create an environment that will nourish the baby.
We are at the seminars learn to feel yourself, respect your potential and trust your partner. Return the ability to see in yourself and allow yourself to see the man power. Know how to determine the posture of the child the relation of parents?
I can't imagine.
— There is a theory that the spine is our core strength. It determines the dad.
The curvature of the spine a huge number of obvious and not obvious reasons. But if the parents complain that the child is lazy, that the child is apathetic – I'm looking at the curved spine of the child, ask gently, "where's daddy?" or "What's wrong with dad?" Mothers typically say that the Pope or not, or he does not participate in a child's life, or they shrug and say something disrespectful. It is the authority of the father largely determines the inner core of personality
. It determines the spine, movement, social the way of the child. It so happens that the next Pope is and the Pope is very good. But perhaps his spine is too curved, it isn't connected with his power, authority. For example – he received support from his father.... We have now all the task is to "grow your spine". That is, to regain a sense of support. And, by the way, my mother's respect for the father of the child plays in this process a very important role.
One of the practices that we do at the seminars is very simple and beautiful. A child stands. On the left side to his back, shoulder blades touching the mother on the right side – dad, and say, "You're our child. We are forever your parents. We are always with you, in the cells of your body, where would you go and no matter where we were." At this point, a child leans on their hands. Then we say, "Now imagine that mom is her family – grandmother, grandfather and father – his family. It is a force that protects you the strength that you can always rely on. It is the power of life." This exercise gives the child wings. We carry out such practice, and with adults. And, you know, this feels like a blessing Kind.
— What is the effect?
— If you are able to sense something amazing.
— People cry?
— Yes, sometimes react very emotionally. To be involved in a Greater is unknown to many condition. This feeling is global support. For children is very important. If such "inspired" and rooted as the child goes to school, he can withstand all of the challenges he'll face.
In the studies National Center for Fathering says that a father's absence greatly increases the risk of early sexual activity for girls. And, as a result of early pregnancy and abortion. As a psychologist, how do you explain the link between father absence and early sex?
— Now girls can get pregnant and 13, and 14 years. This is the age to which a child should be filled with daddy's admiration, respect dad's, dad's admiration, care and confidence in uniqueness, usefulness and value to the world. If this girl hasn't got it its value tries to support and "deserve" in the eyes of men. Trying a roundabout way to prove your worth. First and foremost – through sex.
Fortunately, this is not always the case. Someone reinforces self-esteem and attracts the attention through sexuality, some through the romanticism, someone goes into excessive intellectualization, someone in the helpfulness, of servility. Many of us, not just teenage girls, trying in roundabout ways to win the love.
Even with the current fashion for fatherhood still got a lot of dads abandoned children and broken children's lives. Tell me, where do come from irresponsible fathers?
— You know, this topic of much confusion. When adults break up – breaking up man and woman. Dad usually drops the child. He is separated from his mother.
But the child becomes involved in an adult relationship. And, unfortunately, it bears the burden of them. It all starts from a very early age. There are several common errors in the education of boys. For example, my mom intervenes when the father and son begin to fight for fun, or mom tells the child: "don't be mad!". Often she manifests her fear aggression, demands to stop aggressive play. But if the Pope will not teach your child to stay healthy aggression, a child may become an adult who will not be able to defend themselves, will not be able to fight back, to lag behind its borders. In seminars, I sometimes ask: do not interfere in the games of your husbands with children. Even if games seem aggressive.
Game boys directed to the expansion of the world – cars, guns, balls. Games for girls – usually, the care. When the boy and girl of lies, girl him pressed against the chest, and the boy kicked with his foot. If the boy to take his "nature" — to select, for example, a sword or a gun – you can interrupt his contact with the male. (Another question is how to teach him not to point that gun at people).Another error was the deprivation of the boy's maternal tenderness.
We're familiar with the phrase "do Not carry the boy in her arms!" or "do Nothing from his mom's son!". The fact that the child is born the uterus, that is, with the additional "energy cocoon". The boy it is not.Energy concerns it raises for the first half year of life, thanks to my mother's strength and her love, touch, cuddles. Due to the sensitivity of adult responses to their bodily needs. Tenderness and care, attention to emotions and feelings — all that helps future man to stay in contact with your feelings.
Because numbness is often blamed men. But a grown man it's hard to be attentive to the feelings of the wives or feelings your child if attention to his feelings was not in his childhood.A child could learn to hide their feelings. Remember the "Boy shouldn't cry." But the lacrimal gland, there are boys and girls. If they were not needed, they have men in the process of evolution would have disappeared.
The ban on the expression of feelings, the lack of contact with their own aggression, inability to understand own feelings and needs – here are some of the reasons of which grow...I wouldn't say that grow up to be bad fathers – I believe that there are no bad parents and parents who have difficulty with children. And with himself.
But such multi-level reasons, of course, more. A husband and father is a harmonious blend of care and healthy aggression.
We are "physical beings". We have endocrine glands that produce hormones. Hormones determine our emotional state and behavior. Testosterone is the "hormone" of victory and a healthy aggression. Oxytocin – the healthy care. In women, for example, it is produced in almost any contact with the baby. Men with the care of him in infancy. He also produced due to the closeness in the family — home rituals, hugs, positive emotional atmosphere in the family. If this hormone enough, the man appears healthy sensitivity and care.
— On any "mascom" the forum is easy to find complaints that men don't want to play with the kids.
— Yes, sometimes daddies don't think it's important to play with the baby. First, they do not see the rational sense. The game is often irrational. Secondly, the game requires emotional involvement. And these emotions in men may not be forces.
And not just because he's tired after work. The game opens up access to all the accumulated emotions. And there may be very many and not very comfortable. Our subconscious avoids the fact that can bring us pain.
Third dad (and mom) simply may not be able to play. For the reasons which we have already spoken. They were filled with warmth and joyful emotional contact in childhood. And now I can't put it in your child.
The child requires active engagement of the right hemisphere is responsible for emotions, and men are often more developed left hemisphere is responsible for rationality. And yet — imagine that boy growing up to a certain age, rasheedas with your feelings. He turned into a man, who preferred not to feel, and think. It is difficult to understand the baby that analysis and rationality is not available.
Any kid under five years – is a delicate dandelion. And dad cannot with dandelions to chat – he's good at chess. As a result, men can feel their inability to find a contact with the baby and he wants to distance himself. This can be a very good loving father who desperately wants but doesn't know how to fix it. And starts to feel guilty, to feel bad.
Care of the child he slowly begins to shift to the woman. In such a situation a woman needs don't rate your man or criticize him, but to give very specific instructions with little to do. The girl has such a setting of caring and feeling kids often have from birth, they are written in its genetic code, and become stronger with each game in mothers and daughters. Men have with each child the skills to turn out. And it is, of course, is a big load.
Women complain that it is difficult to live in a man's world, and it seems to me that men always have a greater responsibility, more expectations, requirements. And often shifted responsibility for much of what provoked the women.
— It is especially difficult to figure out what to do with a baby who cries incessantly.
— Natural reaction of an adult to cry and scream cortisol, which is also called the stress hormone. To feel irritated and even angry with a crying and screaming child — it's natural. And because kids often cry. Recent research suggests that male infants cry more than girls. They respond not only to the distance of the object of attachment, but also a new stimulus – the emergence of something new in the environment. The boys initially are most often born more sensitive .
A natural reaction after the increase in cortisol levels — I want to shout, hit or crack. And then immediately there is a feeling of guilt: "How is it that I'm a parent, and angry at my baby! So I'm bad?". Salvation from this – just knowledge of the physiological characteristics and conscious attitude to their own emotions.
(This knowledge does not imply permission for the beating, of course.)
— Svetlana, on the basis of the experience of your seminars and counseling, which mistakes in communication with children are especially likely to allow fathers?
—One of the most common is the perception of the child as the other improved versions of itself. If I did not translate, then I will realize through the child.
If I dreamed of becoming a footballer, but did not, then, the son should become one. From the point of view of the father, the child another chance gone, he will be a footballer. But the child should not be a copy of me just because he keeps my family and is my middle name. This is a basic mistake to identify with the child. Even when a child I want to praise and say: "You like me" or "You're all in me", in fact this restriction. Such a child, by the way, begins to repeat patterns of behavior, and observe – often the fate of the Pope.The following error is the parent of perfectionism.
This is when any quality of the child's successes or failures drastically affect the self-esteem of the parent. Remember, as a teacher at a parent meeting at the school said, "Well, now your grades," but he refers to parents and not to children. And all parents immediately tense up. Although in reality all that is happening with our children cannot be our "goodness".In addition to parental perfectionism is still perfectionism personal.
Men largely do not forgive yourself mistakes and more do not know how to relax.And next to a man who does not forgive yourself mistakes, the child all the time in suspense, afraid of losing.
And in this case it is easier not to start new actions. Such a child may cry from any errors.
And what is the solution?
— Recognize their mistakes in the presence of children. "Today I made a mistake" or "I misheard". Tell funny stories about their own mistakes. It is important and opposite — the ability to recognize your success. Often perfectionists in the pursuit of new goals not notice that they have already done and what he managed to achieve.
— Is perfectionism a bad thing? It seems this word is often perceived as a pursuit of perfection...
— Perfectionism is a diagnosis. Actually is a consequence of disturbances of attachment. Man strives to be perfect, to be noticed and loved.
If I'm the best – I will definitely pay attention and not rejected. In the end, people are constantly trying to win his place in the world and prove to everyone that he is worthy of attention. But it is a constant flight from himself. These people achieve much, but often feel unhappy.
— Now let's error on the women's side. Moms are most often doing wrong?
— There is a simple rule: the child is so listen to mom, as mom listens and respects daddy.
The fact that mom and dad – the first man and woman in a child's life. Its internal figures – domestic roles — the inner man and inner woman child forms increasingly of the images to mom and dad.
I have a lot of complaints from parents on the topic "my boy plays with dolls. Oh the horror!!!". But each person has both masculine and feminine. The game is the opportunity to touch the new qualities and roles. To seven years of toys boys and girls are often the same. If a boy plays with something aimed at the care, it's good – it could be dolls, and cooking. Because it allows the boy to become more caring and feeling man. And then in a boy's life appear dragons, swords and pistols – it is about the necessary aggression.
Important both male and female. For the development of the world of the senses in the baby in a more responsible mother. If the child is in touch with his sensitivity, healthy emotion, it bookmarked it a healthy "inner woman". If the child respects the Pope, he is in touch with his inner man. So — with his aggression, his desire to explore and "conquer" the world.
— And if not? If the authority of the father questioned?
Then he can become a militant atheist. There is a pattern: the relationship to God is your father.
The man who seeks God (but not as an internal path of Faith, and more fanatical-religious) – it does not matter, as he calls It – often trying to reestablish contact with his own dad. Man, displacing and denying God devalues your dad.
— Which of the parent error the most dramatic consequences?
— The first – when a parent he is not living his life and does not allow the child to live his. The second -most likely, the use of a child in order to manipulate the partner.
This is when the conflict is male or female is trying to pull the child to his side. One example: the son asked to influence the Pope, who wants to leave the family. At this moment the child becomes the parent of its parent. If the boy falls into the role of a man for his mother, then it is difficult to get out of this role. This leads to a separation with his potential.
The fact that even divorce can be painful for the child if its parents after parting respect each other, not trying to compensate for the expense of the child.
Our generation brought up in a constant "needs". We should be grateful. Now imagine if the boy lives in a state of "I'm your mother always should." If the child is dependent on mother, he would not be able to create a harmonious partnership with another woman. Because changing the mother can't. By the way, it's dangerous when a wife conflicts with the mother-in-law. Man it's too hard being at a crossroads between the two most important women in his life.
So, if people all the time "aimed" in the past, if he had all the time a sense of guilt towards his family, he has a solid feeling of obligation, then he simply has nothing to carry into the future. He does not live in the present and he had nothing to give to their children. It is difficult to get in contact with children.The simplest technique is harmonizing for all ages is a hug.
Only a slow, unhurried. They help us to bring ourselves back in touch with the present. And the simple practice of couples – the dance. Because in the dance the man returned the lead and the female sensitivity and trust in the partner. Hug and dance!
Svetlana roiz talked Vladislav Golovin
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©