45
Learn to wait
More than anything, I hate waiting. Is the sea weather, is the repair of the end, does the letter answer? A period of uncertainty as he strains! Maybe it's a failure to accept? Or out of misunderstanding, can I have any influence on all this whistling?
Waiting for a minute makes me very vulnerable, and it ties me hand and foot. Like when I was very young, when I looked out the window of the nursery and waited for my mother to come. The wait was unbearable, and life seemed to freeze around. What can life be like for a girl of two years old, if there is no mother?
Since then, waiting has made me very weak and lifeless, irritating with its inexorability and preventing me from looking around. Then, in this abyss of pain of alienation and misunderstanding, it was impossible to imagine that you can play with other children, that you can approach the teacher and ask questions, that you can somehow get involved in life, and not experience time as something where life really does not exist. Stop and don’t move so that spring finally comes.
For many, many people, this childhood experience makes it difficult to bear the uncertainty that a wagon and a small trolley present in our daily lives. From here, the legs grow at defenses such as almighty control. To put it in human terms, the fantasy that I can control everything. And if there was a sadness in life, then I am guilty and feel guilty. I didn't look, I didn't look, I missed and I blew it.
By the way, it is the girls of different ages who are loaded with guilt that have an overwhelming anxiety, which is sometimes scary to feel. You have to protect yourself from anxiety in all known ways. Some, for example, begin to run to fortune tellers or immerse themselves in a neurotic ritual to find at least some support in this difficult business - to keep a finger on the pulse of the world. What if I don't follow, what if I miss? And then my mother will leave me in the nursery again, and I will be like this again.
The fact is that the only thing you can really miss in this state is the feeling of the fullness of your own life.
How do you get out of this fear and start living?
To begin with, of course, it is logical to admit that such fear exists. To come face to face with reality, which depends on you, does not depend. Face your own experiences on behalf of that little girl or that little boy, acknowledge them.
And to try to keep two thoughts inside us: as children, we had the right to feel all this pain of rejection, we can still feel it and experience it, especially when not everything depends on us. But at the same time, childhood is over, and we survived and can move on. Even the most severe pain will not crush, but will serve as an occasion to study yourself.
I remember saying to myself many times, ‘Stop, Lika! My mother came, took her from kindergarten, and everyone is alive and well. Look around, stop playing snail and hide in the cabin. Go ahead, Lika!
Yes, I cannot influence many processes around me, but at least I can do something pleasant while I have to wait for this organ to grow, which knows how to trust itself and others, which is full of optimism and healthy mature support.
It was on this wave that I once decided to fulfill my old dream, suddenly bought a ticket to a warm country and flew there for three months. All my belongings fit in a few boxes and went to friends in the bath. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a house key because I didn't have a house. I took a step into the unknown, trusting in the flow of life.
And in the midst of winter, I flew alone to a distant island, where I gave myself a great opportunity to be alone and get in touch with this mystery - to wait for the weather by the sea. Waiting for something to grow and transform inside, waiting for something new to appear in place of the old one. While the inner mother works somewhere, decide to take an unprecedented step – to feel this world from all sides.
I remember for a whole month, when the first euphoria of an unusual place, unusual food and incredible freedom passed, after a day of work in the dark, coming to my favorite beach on the other end of the island and wandering for hours on the edge of the surf, talking to God.
I was sobbing and yelling things like, "Why, why do I have to go to this perpetual therapy, pick myself up, solve problems, analyze, feel, experience?" For what kind of sins have I been sent to clean up all these family scenarios and bring endless order to my mind and soul? Oh, hateful individuation! God, it is very ugly of you to plunge us into this swamp and watch from paradise as we are here, like fish in an aquarium, fighting for survival.
A psychoanalyst for whom I am undergoing a personal analysis asked me one question: Why do you feel like such a victim? ?
Hmm. Yes, and at 2 years old, sitting on a windowsill, and at 30, walking around a place very close to paradise on earth, I felt like a victim. And I was really surprised that even in conditions that I could only dream of before, I found lemons and started eating them frantically. Why am I doing this? Then. I felt like I was keeping my finger on the pulse.
It was from this feeling that I tried to hide all these years, bred around me violent activity, controlling myself and my life with unenviable meticulousness. I was so scared to realize this addiction! From my mother, from life, from those choices that my loved ones and the universe itself made for me.
And then I decided that since I'm not a victim of circumstances, but a person who somehow (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa It seems that’s when I felt ready to step into a world where there are more than just responsibilities, rules, boundaries and boundaries. Let yourself be spontaneous.
What is true spontaneity? This is the ability to manifest themselves in accordance with their desires and adequately the surrounding reality. This is the ability to trust the flow of events and just wait, filling your life with something simple, but very important. For example, cooking, cleaning the house, daily work routine.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I could afford to get off the windowsill at the age of two and go play with the girls with dolls, show my tongue to the boys and discuss with the teacher the beautiful kitten I saw on the street this morning. I sometimes like to fantasize about it, because then the soul is filled with a very warm feeling.
But on the other hand, I understand perfectly well that if it were so perfect, I would never have found my calling. I would not appreciate the discoveries I have made. I wouldn't meet people I care about. Perhaps I would have lived my life without childhood trauma, in peace and quiet. Would I have tasted the world so much? Would I learn to wait and hope? Trust? Feel it? I don't know. Fortunately, life has no subjunctive inclination.
Credit: Lidia Sideleva
Source: www.matrony.ru/vyiuchitsya-zhdat/
Waiting for a minute makes me very vulnerable, and it ties me hand and foot. Like when I was very young, when I looked out the window of the nursery and waited for my mother to come. The wait was unbearable, and life seemed to freeze around. What can life be like for a girl of two years old, if there is no mother?
Since then, waiting has made me very weak and lifeless, irritating with its inexorability and preventing me from looking around. Then, in this abyss of pain of alienation and misunderstanding, it was impossible to imagine that you can play with other children, that you can approach the teacher and ask questions, that you can somehow get involved in life, and not experience time as something where life really does not exist. Stop and don’t move so that spring finally comes.
For many, many people, this childhood experience makes it difficult to bear the uncertainty that a wagon and a small trolley present in our daily lives. From here, the legs grow at defenses such as almighty control. To put it in human terms, the fantasy that I can control everything. And if there was a sadness in life, then I am guilty and feel guilty. I didn't look, I didn't look, I missed and I blew it.
By the way, it is the girls of different ages who are loaded with guilt that have an overwhelming anxiety, which is sometimes scary to feel. You have to protect yourself from anxiety in all known ways. Some, for example, begin to run to fortune tellers or immerse themselves in a neurotic ritual to find at least some support in this difficult business - to keep a finger on the pulse of the world. What if I don't follow, what if I miss? And then my mother will leave me in the nursery again, and I will be like this again.
The fact is that the only thing you can really miss in this state is the feeling of the fullness of your own life.
How do you get out of this fear and start living?
To begin with, of course, it is logical to admit that such fear exists. To come face to face with reality, which depends on you, does not depend. Face your own experiences on behalf of that little girl or that little boy, acknowledge them.
And to try to keep two thoughts inside us: as children, we had the right to feel all this pain of rejection, we can still feel it and experience it, especially when not everything depends on us. But at the same time, childhood is over, and we survived and can move on. Even the most severe pain will not crush, but will serve as an occasion to study yourself.
I remember saying to myself many times, ‘Stop, Lika! My mother came, took her from kindergarten, and everyone is alive and well. Look around, stop playing snail and hide in the cabin. Go ahead, Lika!
Yes, I cannot influence many processes around me, but at least I can do something pleasant while I have to wait for this organ to grow, which knows how to trust itself and others, which is full of optimism and healthy mature support.
It was on this wave that I once decided to fulfill my old dream, suddenly bought a ticket to a warm country and flew there for three months. All my belongings fit in a few boxes and went to friends in the bath. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a house key because I didn't have a house. I took a step into the unknown, trusting in the flow of life.
And in the midst of winter, I flew alone to a distant island, where I gave myself a great opportunity to be alone and get in touch with this mystery - to wait for the weather by the sea. Waiting for something to grow and transform inside, waiting for something new to appear in place of the old one. While the inner mother works somewhere, decide to take an unprecedented step – to feel this world from all sides.
I remember for a whole month, when the first euphoria of an unusual place, unusual food and incredible freedom passed, after a day of work in the dark, coming to my favorite beach on the other end of the island and wandering for hours on the edge of the surf, talking to God.
I was sobbing and yelling things like, "Why, why do I have to go to this perpetual therapy, pick myself up, solve problems, analyze, feel, experience?" For what kind of sins have I been sent to clean up all these family scenarios and bring endless order to my mind and soul? Oh, hateful individuation! God, it is very ugly of you to plunge us into this swamp and watch from paradise as we are here, like fish in an aquarium, fighting for survival.
A psychoanalyst for whom I am undergoing a personal analysis asked me one question: Why do you feel like such a victim? ?
Hmm. Yes, and at 2 years old, sitting on a windowsill, and at 30, walking around a place very close to paradise on earth, I felt like a victim. And I was really surprised that even in conditions that I could only dream of before, I found lemons and started eating them frantically. Why am I doing this? Then. I felt like I was keeping my finger on the pulse.
It was from this feeling that I tried to hide all these years, bred around me violent activity, controlling myself and my life with unenviable meticulousness. I was so scared to realize this addiction! From my mother, from life, from those choices that my loved ones and the universe itself made for me.
And then I decided that since I'm not a victim of circumstances, but a person who somehow (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa It seems that’s when I felt ready to step into a world where there are more than just responsibilities, rules, boundaries and boundaries. Let yourself be spontaneous.
What is true spontaneity? This is the ability to manifest themselves in accordance with their desires and adequately the surrounding reality. This is the ability to trust the flow of events and just wait, filling your life with something simple, but very important. For example, cooking, cleaning the house, daily work routine.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I could afford to get off the windowsill at the age of two and go play with the girls with dolls, show my tongue to the boys and discuss with the teacher the beautiful kitten I saw on the street this morning. I sometimes like to fantasize about it, because then the soul is filled with a very warm feeling.
But on the other hand, I understand perfectly well that if it were so perfect, I would never have found my calling. I would not appreciate the discoveries I have made. I wouldn't meet people I care about. Perhaps I would have lived my life without childhood trauma, in peace and quiet. Would I have tasted the world so much? Would I learn to wait and hope? Trust? Feel it? I don't know. Fortunately, life has no subjunctive inclination.
Credit: Lidia Sideleva
Source: www.matrony.ru/vyiuchitsya-zhdat/
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