Everyone is born with the feeling that he is good, has the full right to exist the way it is, and does everything absolutely right. He also feels that the world around him is correct and good, what is right and all the good people around him. In other words we can say that every person is born with a sense of "I'm OK - You're right", where the "you" refers to other people and the world at large
This is the correct and productive attitude to himself and to the world. But it is, unfortunately, not unique: in addition to it there are three unproductive positions. Consider them all in turn.
"I'm OK - You're okay»
The basis of this position is the perception of oneself and others as a decent, good, full of people with no sense of their own or someone else's inferiority, without superiority and inferiority. This Adult position. It is natural, normal and healthy psychological attitude that characterizes the attitude towards self and others.
If you were able to maintain this position in his adult life - then you have no problem, you do not need to play games and to pull over any mask, you can be yourself, stay in the love of self and to the world and to be absolutely happy.
Despite the fact that every baby is born with the installation of "I'm OK - You're right," is the position of adults. Adult Togo, which is present even in a child, as an essential condition of his Ya baby comes into the world with the position of adult, because he has not yet learned to play, did not have time to learn the role of the child and parents.
But, being born with this installation, almost every child goes through the rejection of her. However, we have a choice: we can return to that position have realized in adulthood. Anyone who wants to succeed must do it - no other way. A successful and prosperous can only be the one who took the position of "I'm OK - You're right," and therefore, respect themselves and others recognize the importance of both self and others is healthy psychologically personality, confident , positive attitude, able to adequately assess the reality and its possibilities in it, put the worthy goals and achieve them.
Most people lose their installation "I'm OK - You're right," in the first two years of his life
That's when we slip into other, completely unproductive positions. This happens because the baby life interfering external factors (and especially the influence of parents), forcing it to make sure that something is wrong - either with him or with the outside world, or with him, and the world just <. br>
As a consequence, in the first two years of life the child changes his innate attitude "I'm OK - You're right," one of the following options:
• «I'm not OK - Are you OK»;
• «I'm OK - You're out of order»;
• «I am wrong - you are wrong»
"I'm not OK - Are you OK»
In this position, the person feels that he is worse than others. It is characterized by an inferiority complex, a sense of superiority and inferiority of others. This position Child who obviously feels weaker insolvent compared with adults. A person who feels well, regardless of age continues to operate and communicate with others with the position of the child and as a result feels like a victim.
In this position rolls every child, even in the most prosperous family, simply because he was weak and helpless in comparison with adults. Once the child begins to realize himself and feel he has little to no adult assistance, he does not know how many things you are able to adults, it depends on adults, that they have power over it, and that alone, without them, he simply can not survive - so he immediately begins to feel that he was "out of order" in comparison with them. Since this position is put before the others, that she is the most powerful and widespread, and therefore haunts so many people throughout their lives.
Of course, someone has this setting is less pronounced and appears only occasionally, while others have a basic background of all life and manifests itself very clearly.
If the parents themselves feel "right," then they can over time to smooth the child his childhood feeling of distress. Also, by his own example, parents can contribute to a more positive attitude to her child. However, the subconscious memory of the time when he felt "out of order" is for life and can somehow pop up at the most inopportune moments.
Even worse is the case in the event that the child's parents (especially my mother, since at this age it belongs to it decisive influence) or those who replace them, demonstrate that he is not good enough so as there is in the first two years of life. If he scolded, punished, saying that he "enfant terrible", etc. - he has formed beliefs such as:.. "I'm worthless," "I'm doing wrong," "I never did not work", " I am bad "," I can not love. " The result - in adult life a person becomes a loser, he's not sure of himself, prone to depression, feeling powerless and the inability to change anything. Often these are people all his life feel helpless children in need of someone's care and support. In the worst case, these people are prone to suicide.
"I'm OK - You're out of order»
A person with this position doing its utmost to prove to the world that he is - better, superior to others. This man's position, which is in my heart feels deficient (pocketed a child) and to overcome it works the opposite way (as an aggressive parent), demonstrating its superiority.
In this position are mostly people who have experienced excessively harsh treatment in childhood. For example, if a child is being beaten or even once show cruelty towards him - he can not continue to believe that the people and the world around him "in order." "You are bad" - this conviction firmly rooted in all the children's minds. He has a desire to punish the offenders, to take revenge on them. This is a protective reaction of the child's mind against violence and cruelty, but the result is a position of anger all over the world.
The child form beliefs: "People are worthless", "The world is cruel, and the people are angry," "To survive, you have to fight, to hit back", "People must be put in place", "All around the blame." The result - in adulthood such a person is trying to solve all the problems with the position of strength, he hides his deep sense of inferiority, the visibility of superiority, blames others for his troubles, he said that if he was affected by someone's cruelty, it gives him the right to also be cruel. Such people become authoritarian, aggressive, violent parents for their children. In relation to the other, they can become the aggressors, despots, tyrants. In the most severe cases, these are people who are prone to criminal manifestations, capable of violence up to murder.
"I'm not okay - you are wrong»
The basis of this position is a sense of disappointment in themselves and in others, a sense that nothing good in life can not be. This self-destructive position of the unfortunate child victims, which has nobody to wait for help, since all the others, too, perceived as anything not capable of helpless victims.
This position may appear in a child who does not receive affection in the first two years of life, as, for example, deprived of parents or if the parents are caring for them only formally, if necessary. Not receiving any positive support from the outside, the child turns into a kind of emotional isolation. He can not feel good - because it does not receive confirmation of this from the outside. But it can not be concluded, and that other people are good, as is found only with their indifference, indifference. As a result, he formed beliefs: "I do not deserve", "Other people are worthless", "Life is worth nothing", "Everything is meaningless," "All is useless," "Everything is bad," "We are all victims" "Nothing good should not wait." The result - as adults, these people lose interest in life, often fall into the bottom, becoming homeless, lovers of spirits, leading asocial way of life. From this position very close to the mental disorder. In the most severe cases, such people are equally capable of both suicide and the murder.
Check to see if you get stuck in some of the unproductive position.
If you have found a tendency (in varying degrees) to one of three non-productive attitudes, even if you feel that you thoroughly stuck in some of them - it's not as hopeless as it may seem at first glance. You can change. This requires only one condition: it is necessary that you wanted to change
To take such a decision is not always easy, since all of us have a habit of unconsciously clinging to her once and for all occupied positions. Take, for example, a well-known fact that if a person feels poor and unworthy of wealth (feeling that he was "out of order") - it will not become rich, even if it suddenly fall down a huge sum of money. The money he either lose, or walk, or even once will waste and will once again be poor. To this money went to the future, it must first change the position on the "I'm OK - You're right," and for this purpose it is necessary to work hard, in spite of internal resistance to change
Each of the three unproductive position in its own inhibits change.
Those who adhere to the installation "I am wrong - you are right," says this: "I still can not change anything, I do not have the forces and capabilities, and to me nothing depends»
Installation of "I'm OK - You're not fine," dictates about this line of reasoning: "I change - here's another! What is the reason? I have and everything is fine. Let others change. »
Adhere to the installation "I am wrong - you are not in the order of" think: "What is the meaning of all these changes? Anyway, nothing would be better, will only get worse. »
Do you recognize yourself in any of these examples? Yes, if you think like this, you come to the need for change is not easy - and yet it is necessary to do so. Otherwise, your path leads to a dead end, whereas for you there are a lot more opportunities, quite independently of how far along the path to a dead end, you have already come.
If you hold one of these three non-productive items - so you live and act of state child or parent, but not adults. But only adults can achieve success, prosperity and happiness in our world. Adults only position originally safely. The positions of the child and parents (if they are not supervised by adults) - it is the position of disadvantage. It is impossible to feel prosperous, successful and happy, stuck in these positions. Unable to reach at least to the relative success of the acting position.
Position of Adult and therefore, the position of well-being is only one: "I'm OK - You're okay»
Usually, in appearance, behavior and way of life is not so difficult to understand which of the four positions he takes. This can be seen with the naked eye. And even if the appearance does not say anything about these human installations, communicating with each other people always feel, with whom they were dealing. Almost all of our relationships, and personal and friendly, and the business, determined by the positions taken by the participant of these relations. From this point of view it depends on our success or failure in communication, and how we feel satisfied with this relationship, and what place we occupy among the people.
"The positions are very important in everyday social interactions of people. The first thing that people feel for each other - this is their position. And then, in most cases similar to such stretches.
People who think well of themselves and the world ( "+", "+"), usually prefer to communicate with their own kind, and not with those who are eternally dissatisfied.
People who feel their own superiority ( "+", "-"), mainly like to join in clubs and organizations. And because, as they say observation, poverty loves company, then the poor also get together more often in bars.
People who feel the futility of his efforts in life ( "-" "-"), usually jostle around pubs or on the streets, watching the progress of life
In Western countries, clothing often shows position in life is much brighter than on the social situation. So, some people ( "+", "+") Dress neatly and softly. Others ( "+", "-") like "form", ornaments, jewelry, fine things, emphasizing their superiority. One person ( "-" "+") dressed poorly, not entirely accurate, but not necessarily sloppy, maybe even wearing someone else's "form", and the other ( "-" "-") goes to its "form", as if exhibiting disregard for any clothing, anything that stands behind it. It occurs so-called schizophrenic uniforms ( "-" "-"), which is adjacent to the worn dress or an elegant bow tie and torn shoes - with a diamond ring »
Eric Berne, "People that play games»
We feel the position of other people - but not always give aware of his own. It interferes see yourself from the fear of the truth about yourself. It is peculiar to all people. But this fear must be overcome. Without this we can not come to a positive change for life remain a prisoner of the illusion that one can not see this truth, since it does not want to see us.
It is better to tell the truth to yourself than to hear it from other people. In addition, the recognition of the truth about yourself is just one step toward positive change.
Get together with the spirit and spend time on self-test. Tell yourself that you are doing it for their own benefit, and after a diagnosis is required to be followed by effective treatment.
Try as much as possible, into the role of Adult and children's push away from you emotional reactions. Try not offended and angry at their parents, remember what position you took as a child under their influence. Who for you is not a reason to be offended, upset or even more to nurture revenge. Now for you it's just a way to put yourself impartial diagnosis. Do not forget that you do not stop the diagnosis - treatment follow him
For proper treatment, you have to know what is your reality and what we should proceed. Now you are an adult, and only depends on you, what choices you make: start to get upset, angry and offended - or decide to correct old mistakes and start a new life
Let your consolation was the fact that your parents drove you to this or that position is not specifically. They did it unconsciously, because at one time it did the same to them. Most normal parents do not want to harm children.
They want good children - and do not understand that sometimes achieve this good in ways that bring the opposite results. And if you do not want the same degree of unawareness transmit unwanted installation on already your children - your duty to recognize what they have done to you, to reconsider its position and thus break this vicious circle
Most parents do not want children of evil. They want good children - and do not understand that sometimes achieve this good in ways that bring the opposite results
From the book by Douglas Moss "The games we play. Training on Eric Berne "system