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How to have an awkward conversation
Facebook’s product design director Julie Zhou talked about how to get out of difficult conversations.
Do you know how it is? Someone says something, and it seems that you misunderstood, or maybe the person made a mistake. But no. You begin to clarify, and with each question the gap between you is widening. It turns out that you and the interlocutor look at the situation quite differently!
The conversation becomes a battle. Across the table from you sits an opponent whose actions threaten to destroy carefully constructed plans.
A few months ago, I took a course called Hard Talk. The course was excellent, but, unfortunately, only crumbs of that wisdom settled in my memory.
One of them is: Be sincere.
Yes, it sounds like an empty spell or a phrase from a silly melodrama, but for me it was a revelation. The formula is easy to remember, and it eliminates huge problems.
Let's look at a simple example.
Alice and Bob happened to be in a nearby chair in an airport bar waiting for their flight. The reason for the conversation was the carpet, which, as they both believed, the place is more in a garbage dump than in the building of a modern airport.
They started a conversation, during which they drank several glasses of beer. It was about one thing, then about another: work, vacation - the usual small talk of unfamiliar people. Suddenly, a dangerous topic arises: politics. It turns out that Bob has great respect for Republican Donald Trump, and Alice hates him.
Bob says you need a strong hand in politics, and Alice says you can be a strong idiot. Bob’s temple begins to pulsate, and he expresses doubts about Alice’s taste, suggesting that the carpet that lies in her living room is even uglier than the local one.
Alice is already opening her mouth to cover up insults to both Bob and his beloved Trump.
But stop. Let's analyze what Alice wants, what motivates her?
Ah. I feel like I’m right and I’m stronger.
B. Trying to make a Trump supporter feel ashamed.
V. It's getting Bob to see his opponent's point of view and maybe reconsider his.
G. He wants to change the subject and return to small talk.
D. She'll try to leave because she doesn't like being with Bob anymore.
If you look at it this way, you can see that B, D and D are quite rational options, while A and B lead to nothing. And if Alice wants to get B, D or D, then insulting Bob won't help.
I’ve had a hundred emotional reactions to the situation. Someone's wrong! It's an idiotic plan! It's a terrible thing! Stop it now! In fact, I should think about what I want to achieve.
When we react in this way, we only think about ourselves. We are driven by pride and self-righteousness, and feelings dominate the rational desire to solve the situation for the benefit of all, including our own.
In my experience, when I think hard about the outcome, one of two things happens:
I find it much easier to agree to one of the rational steps than to convince everyone involved of the need to come to a common point of view. I understand that the real problem is not resolving a dispute, but achieving a larger goal: improving some workflow or building trust in a difficult relationship.
The point is that when our motivation is inward-oriented rather than result-oriented, the second person feels it. In fact, we are very good at recognizing falsehood, and pretending is much worse than we would like.
Did you think you made a good speech and looked better than you really were? You got caught.
And the other time you've made a decision, but you keep pretending you're interested in someone else's opinion, you don't think anyone understands? Everybody understands.
If your motivation is not really to get results, if you are insincere, you will not be trusted, and without trust, the chances of resolving the conflict plummet.
So be sincere.
Take a deep breath. Imagine what kind of future you would like to achieve, or ask the interlocutor what he wants.
Being right doesn't really matter.
It is important to get the right result. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing our consciousness, we change the world together! © Join us on Facebook , VKontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: insider.pro/en/article/48110/
Do you know how it is? Someone says something, and it seems that you misunderstood, or maybe the person made a mistake. But no. You begin to clarify, and with each question the gap between you is widening. It turns out that you and the interlocutor look at the situation quite differently!
The conversation becomes a battle. Across the table from you sits an opponent whose actions threaten to destroy carefully constructed plans.
A few months ago, I took a course called Hard Talk. The course was excellent, but, unfortunately, only crumbs of that wisdom settled in my memory.
One of them is: Be sincere.
Yes, it sounds like an empty spell or a phrase from a silly melodrama, but for me it was a revelation. The formula is easy to remember, and it eliminates huge problems.
Let's look at a simple example.
Alice and Bob happened to be in a nearby chair in an airport bar waiting for their flight. The reason for the conversation was the carpet, which, as they both believed, the place is more in a garbage dump than in the building of a modern airport.
They started a conversation, during which they drank several glasses of beer. It was about one thing, then about another: work, vacation - the usual small talk of unfamiliar people. Suddenly, a dangerous topic arises: politics. It turns out that Bob has great respect for Republican Donald Trump, and Alice hates him.
Bob says you need a strong hand in politics, and Alice says you can be a strong idiot. Bob’s temple begins to pulsate, and he expresses doubts about Alice’s taste, suggesting that the carpet that lies in her living room is even uglier than the local one.
Alice is already opening her mouth to cover up insults to both Bob and his beloved Trump.
But stop. Let's analyze what Alice wants, what motivates her?
Ah. I feel like I’m right and I’m stronger.
B. Trying to make a Trump supporter feel ashamed.
V. It's getting Bob to see his opponent's point of view and maybe reconsider his.
G. He wants to change the subject and return to small talk.
D. She'll try to leave because she doesn't like being with Bob anymore.
If you look at it this way, you can see that B, D and D are quite rational options, while A and B lead to nothing. And if Alice wants to get B, D or D, then insulting Bob won't help.
I’ve had a hundred emotional reactions to the situation. Someone's wrong! It's an idiotic plan! It's a terrible thing! Stop it now! In fact, I should think about what I want to achieve.
When we react in this way, we only think about ourselves. We are driven by pride and self-righteousness, and feelings dominate the rational desire to solve the situation for the benefit of all, including our own.
In my experience, when I think hard about the outcome, one of two things happens:
I find it much easier to agree to one of the rational steps than to convince everyone involved of the need to come to a common point of view. I understand that the real problem is not resolving a dispute, but achieving a larger goal: improving some workflow or building trust in a difficult relationship.
The point is that when our motivation is inward-oriented rather than result-oriented, the second person feels it. In fact, we are very good at recognizing falsehood, and pretending is much worse than we would like.
Did you think you made a good speech and looked better than you really were? You got caught.
And the other time you've made a decision, but you keep pretending you're interested in someone else's opinion, you don't think anyone understands? Everybody understands.
If your motivation is not really to get results, if you are insincere, you will not be trusted, and without trust, the chances of resolving the conflict plummet.
So be sincere.
Take a deep breath. Imagine what kind of future you would like to achieve, or ask the interlocutor what he wants.
Being right doesn't really matter.
It is important to get the right result. published
P.S. And remember, just by changing our consciousness, we change the world together! © Join us on Facebook , VKontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: insider.pro/en/article/48110/
