59
Falling in love
In simple words: how to make a person who does not like you, love you. 
Screenshot from the movie “Night” by Michelangelo Antonioni
The main disadvantage of initiating communication is that the initiating partner immediately acquires a small minus in the field, and the second side - a plus. This means that the first, as it were, evaluates himself cheaper, puts himself lower, accepts and admits that he needs communication more, that he must pay something for this communication, somehow justify the attention he asked for.
That is why most people experience stress when initiating dating and communication. If they are refused, they will receive a blow to their self-esteem, if they agree, they will still find themselves in the uncomfortable state of beggars. This is especially true for women, but also for men.
As you probably remember, stress is perceived by the nervous system as a reason to either urgently change something in yourself or situations, or create protective illusions. In these two ways, the initiators of communication often go, and therefore fall into the red.
The main variants of illusions: “she (he) has been looking at me for a long time and does not dare himself”, “she will take my attention as an honor”, “it does not matter whose initiative”.
Illusions relieve stress, however, as you remember, take credit for energy. Man creates in the field a construction of expectations. In this design, an active response should follow to his initiative, that is, the attraction from both sides should quickly equalize, come into balance. If this does not happen, and this does not happen most often (why?), the stress becomes twice as strong (the psychological mechanism of credit I will tell in detail, but it always has predatory interest).
What happens when illusions appear? A person creates a plane of parallel reality, where the object, firstly, is superimportant (then his refusal is not humiliation, he is much higher), and secondly, he still loves in his own way (otherwise it is too sad). Depending on whether a person’s self-esteem or locus of control is weaker, the emphasis will be on the former or the latter. If self-esteem is weaker, the emphasis will be on “loving in its own way” or “loving but hiding”, and if the locus of control is weaker, on the superimportance of the object, on its idealization. Usually, both are accentuated, and with the help of these tools, a parallel plan is created in which each simple gesture acquires multiple meanings (for example, pictures and songs on the page of a loved one in the social network turn into secret messages to the lover, and his indifferent behavior into a sophisticated sadistic game full of passion, or simply he turns into an idol who energizes and inspires the lover with his existence alone, etc.).
Living instead of reality in this parallel plane, a person more and more rebuilds himself and his life: in the center of his field is an idol with whom he develops a complex, but saturated with secret passions relationship. The plan of illusions completely distorts reality, a person soon takes his emotions for common. And the distortion in some cases reaches almost hallucinations, even in the healthiest people. Falling in love is a real hallucinogen in its effects. And a stimulant and a depressant. The chemical picture is very extensive.
Now think about the second way to avoid stress: make a change. People often follow this path too, especially in the beginning and if the love is not so strong. Having taken a step towards the object they like and not receiving an active response from it, which would fully compensate for the initiative, they try to level the action. This is the same throwing bouquets in the urn if a girl is late for a date. Or rudeness, right after the compliment. Or a rejection after an invitation. Any "stand there, come here" that is perceived by the other side as inadequate.
For example, the girl calls first, expecting that the silent person will tell her “how happy to hear your voice, let’s go on a date”, and he passively waits for what she will say and what he will offer (if she calls). The girl gets irritated and tells him something ugly or stupid. For example, “I wanted to tell you about my date yesterday, met a cool guy” or... asks to do something for her. She is trying to erase her initiative, which forced her to be in a negative position. But what happens as a result?
The second party did not initiate the act of communication (in this case, a call), that is, its borders were invaded and it was abused (or tried to hurt) or offered free work. The other side has every reason to think that the first is crazy or brazen, which the other side makes clear. The initiator feels really stupid, because otherwise it is almost impossible to feel yourself in a situation where you are trying to level the already made step.
Instead of relieving stress as he wanted, he gets three times more stress. Now he was not just deceived in his expectations (waiting for an active response to the initiative and did not receive), but also appeared to be a fool or arrogant, and most importantly, “spoiled everything” for the future, because now the second side will definitely never call, but it could. Usually, this behavior leads to the fact that a person tries to rehabilitate somehow, prove that he is not a fool and not arrogant, return a normal attitude, and then goes into the red. Moreover, he usually does not abandon his habit of taking a step forward and two steps back at once and looks more and more strange, inconsistent, unreliable.
Therefore, the main rule for initiating communication is the constant setting of the locus and self-esteem. Any feeling of pathetic and ugly is a signal that you need to bring your self-esteem to a normal state and come up with a way to initiate communication BEAUTIFUL, so that it can become a model of the behavior of a romantic hero or heroine in a good melodrama. Any irritation that the object does not behave as you want is a signal that you need to set up a locus of control, remember that the object is in itself, it does not initiate communication and can react as God put it on his soul. And you should never try to take your words back, regret mistakes, fuss. Nothing is more detrimental to military strategy (and that’s it) than fuss.
Until there is a real initiative on the part of the object to communicate, it is important to remember that you are not together, each of you is on its own. To begin merging with an object that is not ready for merging is always the way to the minus. But you can initiate communication without a merger, and then there will be no minus, or it will be very small, and quite controlled.
Note that fusion does not happen on its own every time people communicate, spend time, even have sex. Sometimes, on the contrary, separation occurs, that is, the contact itself, even a close one, does not cause a merger. A fusion occurs when a person tries to fill something in the person’s image. This is what it is to put your emotional projections on the other. He evokes this image in order to feel beautiful, sexy, significant, cheerful, active. He uses the image of a person to feel his flow, connects his flow to this image. He looks at himself through the eyes of this person and nods approvingly or admires, and switches his self-esteem to him. That's how the merger happens.
But that doesn't mean the merger is harmful. Merge is an opportunity to double your energy. The resource of love, in which the fusion with the loved one takes place, is a very strong source of energy. One of the main ones. However, this resource is pumped only with mutual love, when a person not only uses the projections of his beloved in his field, but also becomes an object for his projections, that is, when the merger is mutual and symmetrical. That's the main condition. And the psyche itself will take care of reciprocity if the locus of control and self-esteem are normally set up. That is, the psyche will do everything to balance its own attraction and the attraction of another person. She has everything for this, only poor self-esteem (requiring to feed herself immediately) and a bad locus (requiring to share the burden of responsibility, or better to transfer to another).
If the merger is asymmetrical, the psyche in order to achieve balance creates the illusion of mutual love, an energy larva (on credit of course). Sometimes this larva breaks from a collision with reality, a person feels that he is not loved at all, feels pain. He has a way out – to survive stress, accept reality, get rid of the larva (it will break apart in pieces), this is a painful and very painful period. With strong dependence, this period is fraught with diseases, depression, and even suicide. Therefore, many do not dare to get rid of the larva and all the time restore it, patch its holes, creating new illusions.
That is, in order to initiate communication and not go into the red, it is important to prevent your own merger. To do this, you need to have a sufficient number of energy sources (dada, without resources in any way, at least connected, if not pumped), so that there is no temptation from hunger to get energy from the illusions of love. Remember that there is no mutual love, the person is closed from you. Communicating with him is an attempt to open him up and dispose of him to love, to arouse interest in him and only then a feeling of love, but this attempt is by no means mutual love. Therefore, revel in your love, grow it, feel similarity and kinship, admire and enjoy the presence of a person in your life and pictures of intimacy is not worth it.
How do you avoid that? Just telling myself every time he doesn’t need me. Many of the words “not necessary” immediately frustrate the feeling (there is no high right now, then there is no sense), but some “yet” is enough for motivation (by the way?). They share the present and the future, and are mindful of a possible perspective. Such people have a chance to consciously fall in love with the person they choose.
Yes, if you avoid merging, but at the same time show interest and sympathy for a person, you can do something useful for him, take into account his interests, do not be intrusive, do not burden with your emotions, do not irritate, because it is the illusions that arise from an asymmetrical merger (to compensate for stress, I remind you all the time). There will be no asymmetrical merger, there will be no idiotic behavior of the minus, when he seems to be trying and blowing, and not into the horse feed.
It goes without saying that an adequate state of consciousness (locus and self-esteem) helps to assess the chances soberly. If an object is superior in all respects to the applicant, the chance of his interest is minimal, and then it is like trying to solve the Olympiad in mathematics in a C-list: why not, but without waiting for first place, right?
Here is the well-known - the collapse of self-esteem from loss, happens only when a person seriously counted on winning, appropriated this winning in advance, and then feels as if this winning was taken away from him. If you did not seriously expect, did not appropriate, there will be no crash. Yes, the motivation to invest all your strength will also be much less. The biggest motivation, when it seems, is almost mine. But for inaccessible goals, and you don’t need too much motivation, you don’t need to throw all your strength, all your energy to achieve what is unlikely. Better find the target closer, more accessible. Although risk is a noble business, and you can sometimes take risks, especially if you are well pumped (the more pumped, the more pleasant the risk).
Another question for you. What specific ways, other than those mentioned in this post (other than, or specify, in detail), are there to initiate communication over time, but keep your self-esteem stable and maintain an internal locus of control? Why are some people unable to see beauty from below, and how can they see it? And about the locus, how do you learn how to keep it in an adult state during communication, especially when the interest is different, and see where your zone of influence ends and begins?
It is not necessary to answer all questions. You don’t have to respond, please remember that. published
Author: Marina Komissarova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/91927.html
Screenshot from the movie “Night” by Michelangelo Antonioni
The main disadvantage of initiating communication is that the initiating partner immediately acquires a small minus in the field, and the second side - a plus. This means that the first, as it were, evaluates himself cheaper, puts himself lower, accepts and admits that he needs communication more, that he must pay something for this communication, somehow justify the attention he asked for.
That is why most people experience stress when initiating dating and communication. If they are refused, they will receive a blow to their self-esteem, if they agree, they will still find themselves in the uncomfortable state of beggars. This is especially true for women, but also for men.
As you probably remember, stress is perceived by the nervous system as a reason to either urgently change something in yourself or situations, or create protective illusions. In these two ways, the initiators of communication often go, and therefore fall into the red.
The main variants of illusions: “she (he) has been looking at me for a long time and does not dare himself”, “she will take my attention as an honor”, “it does not matter whose initiative”.
Illusions relieve stress, however, as you remember, take credit for energy. Man creates in the field a construction of expectations. In this design, an active response should follow to his initiative, that is, the attraction from both sides should quickly equalize, come into balance. If this does not happen, and this does not happen most often (why?), the stress becomes twice as strong (the psychological mechanism of credit I will tell in detail, but it always has predatory interest).
What happens when illusions appear? A person creates a plane of parallel reality, where the object, firstly, is superimportant (then his refusal is not humiliation, he is much higher), and secondly, he still loves in his own way (otherwise it is too sad). Depending on whether a person’s self-esteem or locus of control is weaker, the emphasis will be on the former or the latter. If self-esteem is weaker, the emphasis will be on “loving in its own way” or “loving but hiding”, and if the locus of control is weaker, on the superimportance of the object, on its idealization. Usually, both are accentuated, and with the help of these tools, a parallel plan is created in which each simple gesture acquires multiple meanings (for example, pictures and songs on the page of a loved one in the social network turn into secret messages to the lover, and his indifferent behavior into a sophisticated sadistic game full of passion, or simply he turns into an idol who energizes and inspires the lover with his existence alone, etc.).
Living instead of reality in this parallel plane, a person more and more rebuilds himself and his life: in the center of his field is an idol with whom he develops a complex, but saturated with secret passions relationship. The plan of illusions completely distorts reality, a person soon takes his emotions for common. And the distortion in some cases reaches almost hallucinations, even in the healthiest people. Falling in love is a real hallucinogen in its effects. And a stimulant and a depressant. The chemical picture is very extensive.
Now think about the second way to avoid stress: make a change. People often follow this path too, especially in the beginning and if the love is not so strong. Having taken a step towards the object they like and not receiving an active response from it, which would fully compensate for the initiative, they try to level the action. This is the same throwing bouquets in the urn if a girl is late for a date. Or rudeness, right after the compliment. Or a rejection after an invitation. Any "stand there, come here" that is perceived by the other side as inadequate.
For example, the girl calls first, expecting that the silent person will tell her “how happy to hear your voice, let’s go on a date”, and he passively waits for what she will say and what he will offer (if she calls). The girl gets irritated and tells him something ugly or stupid. For example, “I wanted to tell you about my date yesterday, met a cool guy” or... asks to do something for her. She is trying to erase her initiative, which forced her to be in a negative position. But what happens as a result?
The second party did not initiate the act of communication (in this case, a call), that is, its borders were invaded and it was abused (or tried to hurt) or offered free work. The other side has every reason to think that the first is crazy or brazen, which the other side makes clear. The initiator feels really stupid, because otherwise it is almost impossible to feel yourself in a situation where you are trying to level the already made step.
Instead of relieving stress as he wanted, he gets three times more stress. Now he was not just deceived in his expectations (waiting for an active response to the initiative and did not receive), but also appeared to be a fool or arrogant, and most importantly, “spoiled everything” for the future, because now the second side will definitely never call, but it could. Usually, this behavior leads to the fact that a person tries to rehabilitate somehow, prove that he is not a fool and not arrogant, return a normal attitude, and then goes into the red. Moreover, he usually does not abandon his habit of taking a step forward and two steps back at once and looks more and more strange, inconsistent, unreliable.
Therefore, the main rule for initiating communication is the constant setting of the locus and self-esteem. Any feeling of pathetic and ugly is a signal that you need to bring your self-esteem to a normal state and come up with a way to initiate communication BEAUTIFUL, so that it can become a model of the behavior of a romantic hero or heroine in a good melodrama. Any irritation that the object does not behave as you want is a signal that you need to set up a locus of control, remember that the object is in itself, it does not initiate communication and can react as God put it on his soul. And you should never try to take your words back, regret mistakes, fuss. Nothing is more detrimental to military strategy (and that’s it) than fuss.
Until there is a real initiative on the part of the object to communicate, it is important to remember that you are not together, each of you is on its own. To begin merging with an object that is not ready for merging is always the way to the minus. But you can initiate communication without a merger, and then there will be no minus, or it will be very small, and quite controlled.
Note that fusion does not happen on its own every time people communicate, spend time, even have sex. Sometimes, on the contrary, separation occurs, that is, the contact itself, even a close one, does not cause a merger. A fusion occurs when a person tries to fill something in the person’s image. This is what it is to put your emotional projections on the other. He evokes this image in order to feel beautiful, sexy, significant, cheerful, active. He uses the image of a person to feel his flow, connects his flow to this image. He looks at himself through the eyes of this person and nods approvingly or admires, and switches his self-esteem to him. That's how the merger happens.
But that doesn't mean the merger is harmful. Merge is an opportunity to double your energy. The resource of love, in which the fusion with the loved one takes place, is a very strong source of energy. One of the main ones. However, this resource is pumped only with mutual love, when a person not only uses the projections of his beloved in his field, but also becomes an object for his projections, that is, when the merger is mutual and symmetrical. That's the main condition. And the psyche itself will take care of reciprocity if the locus of control and self-esteem are normally set up. That is, the psyche will do everything to balance its own attraction and the attraction of another person. She has everything for this, only poor self-esteem (requiring to feed herself immediately) and a bad locus (requiring to share the burden of responsibility, or better to transfer to another).
If the merger is asymmetrical, the psyche in order to achieve balance creates the illusion of mutual love, an energy larva (on credit of course). Sometimes this larva breaks from a collision with reality, a person feels that he is not loved at all, feels pain. He has a way out – to survive stress, accept reality, get rid of the larva (it will break apart in pieces), this is a painful and very painful period. With strong dependence, this period is fraught with diseases, depression, and even suicide. Therefore, many do not dare to get rid of the larva and all the time restore it, patch its holes, creating new illusions.
That is, in order to initiate communication and not go into the red, it is important to prevent your own merger. To do this, you need to have a sufficient number of energy sources (dada, without resources in any way, at least connected, if not pumped), so that there is no temptation from hunger to get energy from the illusions of love. Remember that there is no mutual love, the person is closed from you. Communicating with him is an attempt to open him up and dispose of him to love, to arouse interest in him and only then a feeling of love, but this attempt is by no means mutual love. Therefore, revel in your love, grow it, feel similarity and kinship, admire and enjoy the presence of a person in your life and pictures of intimacy is not worth it.
How do you avoid that? Just telling myself every time he doesn’t need me. Many of the words “not necessary” immediately frustrate the feeling (there is no high right now, then there is no sense), but some “yet” is enough for motivation (by the way?). They share the present and the future, and are mindful of a possible perspective. Such people have a chance to consciously fall in love with the person they choose.
Yes, if you avoid merging, but at the same time show interest and sympathy for a person, you can do something useful for him, take into account his interests, do not be intrusive, do not burden with your emotions, do not irritate, because it is the illusions that arise from an asymmetrical merger (to compensate for stress, I remind you all the time). There will be no asymmetrical merger, there will be no idiotic behavior of the minus, when he seems to be trying and blowing, and not into the horse feed.
It goes without saying that an adequate state of consciousness (locus and self-esteem) helps to assess the chances soberly. If an object is superior in all respects to the applicant, the chance of his interest is minimal, and then it is like trying to solve the Olympiad in mathematics in a C-list: why not, but without waiting for first place, right?
Here is the well-known - the collapse of self-esteem from loss, happens only when a person seriously counted on winning, appropriated this winning in advance, and then feels as if this winning was taken away from him. If you did not seriously expect, did not appropriate, there will be no crash. Yes, the motivation to invest all your strength will also be much less. The biggest motivation, when it seems, is almost mine. But for inaccessible goals, and you don’t need too much motivation, you don’t need to throw all your strength, all your energy to achieve what is unlikely. Better find the target closer, more accessible. Although risk is a noble business, and you can sometimes take risks, especially if you are well pumped (the more pumped, the more pleasant the risk).
Another question for you. What specific ways, other than those mentioned in this post (other than, or specify, in detail), are there to initiate communication over time, but keep your self-esteem stable and maintain an internal locus of control? Why are some people unable to see beauty from below, and how can they see it? And about the locus, how do you learn how to keep it in an adult state during communication, especially when the interest is different, and see where your zone of influence ends and begins?
It is not necessary to answer all questions. You don’t have to respond, please remember that. published
Author: Marina Komissarova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/91927.html
