Children comfortable for their own use, or I also taught and nothing... Bashny.Net

Have you noticed that adults often treat children as an inconvenient object, which greatly complicates their parent existence? Like the annoying fly you want to fight back, as the little bastard that you want to deal at any price and which, in turn, is only thinking of how to make our life miserable...

It's like talking about the fact that we are compassionate angels, but they are worthless deficiencies, which are important to make convenient for their own use. Yes, indeed, and not for use. So... just would not hurt...

And not to interfere, you need to create a clear code — what is possible and what is not, what is good and what is evil.

A huge number of adult claims beginning with the words "baby needs".

Must understand, must have, must learn, must know, must be respected. Must, should and ought to.





Don't you agree? And you look at parent forums. And compare them with the medieval... tips for raising a slave.

Read: "Judging by the description, your three year old daughter is a very wild girl. If it is not able to fulfill the requirements of adults, you need something to do. Best thing invented by our ancestors — of course, whipping" (three smiles).

Another quote: "If it starts to act up, you need to make a move on him hard, to teach it".

A slave who has no right to privacy on his or her own actions, and even human emotions.

Countless and frighteningly monotonous instructions for use harsh methods so-called education. Rigidity and inflexibility are declared the main virtues of the adult world. The verb "to punish", "force", "smack" do not go from the pages of the forums. Rare personal history without the proud "I put him in his place" or "you need to be able to make myself respected."

All of our fainting regarding physical punishment, and indeed violence against children, unfortunately, lead nowhere and do not change anything. I propose to approach the question entirely from the other side. Let's try to understand what is your goal? Yes, I misspoke: specifically yours? When you, for example, punish the person, what you really want? Why choose this way of interaction — the way of humiliation, deprivation of freedom of choice and aggression? (Oh, and if you do, fortunately, do not, try to dream about his friends)

The question seems simple, but as if caught them by surprise, parents usually offer the most bizarre answers.So, in one of the comments to my article, a reader writes: "we need to be tougher — if they regret, they learn to manipulate..." And I once again marvel at such a strange somersault adult consciousness... is it not obvious that if to feel sorry for them — they'll learn to regret it, do really not understand? Because the converse is a sign of a typical manipulative thinking.

The examples are not far to seek, it looks like this:

If you give people what they want, they would "sit down" ( and in fact, then they will be grateful and will learn to follow you, giving joy to others),
If you frequently to demonstrate their dissatisfaction with the behavior of another person, he will be disciplined (no, it's not — it will close, afraid of their own actions),
If to enter in human relations methods of rewards and punishments (which in practice training methods used with animals), people learn to distinguish the bad from the good (as in this case, he will gradually lose the ability to navigate the moral and ethical field).
I think to continue this series capable of that.

In fact all much simpler: the system of personal example really works as a clock:

If a person is being rude — he'll learn to be rude,
If to punish — he will become a master of penalties and will eventually bring them back around with a vengeance
If a lie becomes a liar
Isn't simple logic (Yes, not science pedagogy, not love own child, but just the logic) does not lead you to believe that what is taught — and learned? And Vice versa: it is impossible to constantly feeding a bad example of cruelty, of greed, of hatred, to appeal to the kindness, sympathy and decency.

However, to say I have better Lermontov is unlikely to succeed. Remind:

"All read on my face a sign of bad feelings, which were not; but they assumed — and they were born.

I was modest -- I was accused of slyness: I became secretive.

I deeply felt the good and evil; I will not be caressed, all offended: I was vindictive;

I was gloomy — other children merry and talkative; I felt above them, I put below. I became envious.

I was ready to love the whole world, — to me no one understood and I learned to hate.

My colourless youth leaked in fight against itself and light; my best feelings, fearing ridicule, I buried in my heart: they died there.

I was telling the truth — I was not believed: I began to deceive <... > And then in my chest born of despair — not the despair that treat the barrel of a gun, but a cold, impotent despair, covered with courtesy and good-natured smile.

I became a moral cripple; one half of my soul did not exist, it dried up, evaporated, died, I cut it off and threw it, then another moved and lived here for everybody, and nobody noticed because nobody knew about the existence of the lost of half of it..."

That said, in my opinion, exhaustively and painfully accurate. As if these lines were written by the teacher-practitioner, familiar with the latest pedagogical research. That is to say, genius — he is genius...

And even clearer from another genius of Vladimir Vysotsky:

"If the pig out loud, from the cradle

Call, bayushki-bye,-

Even the most tame cat child

Will become in the future into a pig!"

Again, do not believe? You will find thousands of objections, say, literature is one thing and life another? Oh, you guys better not use it.

Another motive for this behavior was the stated familiar to me mom when I asked her to protect the nine-year-old son from an adult rudeness of her friend. She indignantly replied, "But he should be ready for the challenges of the world. In particular, the rudeness! It will not always be lick all around..." Then I have to stop for a moment and admit that and similar life-affirming arguments I heard repeatedly. I believe you are not with them met. The logic is something like this: because life is difficult and unfair (so, in any case it sounds in the mouths of the apologists for this approach), we will have our children "uchebka" — will slowly ruin their lives today to their future, they came fully armed... that is, learned what real rudeness and betrayal of loved ones, and become adults in a nonchalant redneck.

So, friends, what I would like to say: rudeness, to my great regret, will find our children and without us, with heavy situations in life they will meet, most likely, not just once or twice. Why do we give them the nightmare in advance? Why torture them when you have the opportunity to live, to grow, to get acquainted with the world? And notice how the language itself betrays us in this situation love and acceptance is replaced with the verb "to lick". Like mom's ashamed of his own love, as if she was justified to a mythical judge who will punish her for excessive affection towards her child. "Lick!.."

Terrible and cruel manifestations of loved ones can only exacerbate the breakdown in the children's minds. We need to push back a possible strike, to soften it if it is inevitable. This is exactly what smart language is called the parent function.

Person learns to resist the rudeness, as well as any other nasty things, when he has invaluable experience in creating and supporting human interaction when he begins to appreciate their own identity and the identity of the other. It teaches the child not to fight for ourselves and to protect others. But the situation in which the arrogant adult, using their own power and status humbles him, teaches him the opposite — to lie, to draw his shoulders, trying to disappear, and eventually when he can bully weaker: exactly as taught.

Brutal dad writes in the forum on education: "the Best way to handle (note: handle! Like a natural disaster...) with tantrums is to ignore them. And if it becomes unbearable (unbearable, of course, to us enlightened parents who take into account children "unbearable"!) — to punish." Leaving aside their terrible guesses on the theme of "punish", I draw your attention to the typical tone and approach: the Supreme being is trying to cope with small high-handed bastard.

Imagine what kind of hell occurs in the soul of a child? Not only that, I feel so bad, I'm still single! One in the whole world. Not counting parents, who are always ready to make get any worse...

And as polishing, a typical argument adults: "me, too, so they brought nothing"... nothing? Anyone anything? Who told you that you look lovely in its narrowness, cruelty, aggression, inability to accept, even make — at least to see the man next to him? How do we know that these methods of education have led to positive results? We have survived? Here, truly, and thanks for that!

"Bogged down in their own right, tied in knots..." ©

One of the old parental fears (personally known to me from my grandmother) — my child, will you get me a glass of water in old age. So here is a transparent allegory. If you use it, there is no doubt: not served! How could he take this Cup if all human life was taught only of cruelty, hatred and the fact that when you feel bad, others may see only your manipulation?..

However, I will not too much to scare the reader: the glass can be served — the public opinion still says to confront their own desires and to cope with the gusts. But hatred for you, and this Cup is guaranteed.

You usually ask what to do with all this... And I habitually answer is: nothing. All the methods mentioned above nobody wants, nobody are even minimal use. No punishment, no "beginners" or aggression. They just steadily, step by step worsen future children and our own.

Just came time to get rid of the role of hostages of other people's hallucinations and his past, emasculated of morality and view of a neighbor of morality imposed by ethics and educational simulacra.

After all, we intuitively know the answers. Including in situations where doing evil, saying "it is love" by hiding behind their own fears. And no there is no parent trap. Except that heavy illusion, a Wraith. You only need to take a step into the wonderful world that is waiting for those who love us the most — our children. They are looking forward. And, no doubt, they will help us. published

Author: Dima Zitser

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: zicer.livejournal.com/39286.html