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HOW to talk to children about sex
Let's start with the fact that it's not just talk with children about sex. This talk about pregnancy and childbirth, about relationships, about the human body and its structure, behavior, etc., and it is usually not easy for parents to start these conversations and continue them. Let's try to find some acceptable algorithm.
So, what seems important to me in this thread
1. Attitude
Most importantly, what parents need to know, decided to talk to the child, answer his questions – you are absolutely right. Children who have had at least a single experience of positive discussion of sex with parents, less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour and problems associated with it. This means that they:
— late start of sexual life and make it more of your choice and physiological volition and not under pressure of the environment;
— have fewer sexual partners, less likely to use promiscuity as a way of solving psychological problems;
— care about their safety, more likely to use protection and contraception are more likely to say "no" when something does not want.
In fact, this is exactly what we would all be genuinely happy in their children. And quiet, friendly conversations – the easiest way to achieve this. No one can affect expectations, perceptions, and personal boundaries of the child as parents — the topic of sex that works too. Proof of this has been hundreds of studies over the past 20-30 years.
2. Own feelings
Sex, childbearing and relationships – the phenomena themselves are not shameful, not funny and not dirty. This is one of the aspects of our lives, such as healthy, pleasant and solid as the others. But while this is a very intimate party, so it may be difficult to begin to discuss.
Plus, many parents have a certain negative background which can make it difficult to speak freely. So before you begin your conversation with the child, preferably
A) to discuss a common plan between themselves. To make sure mom and dad the same ideas about what and what not to say. If the views are different – it is better to come to a compromise.
B) if you're shy, potrenirovatsja in front of the mirror or with your spouse. The child can ask something as one parent and both at once, so great if mom and dad can support such a conversation in the presence of each other, undeterred.
C) if talking about sex with a child you absolutely can not because of the experienced shocks and negative memories, be sure to help yourself to cope with it. Discuss this with a therapist if you therapy; talk to friends; or, at least, read something on the Internet. Your child is an individual and the life he will be completely different. You have a unique opportunity not to give him negative, what you had, but for this you need a little to take care of themselves.
3. Border
Many parents worry, no "corrupt" if they child, telling him something he has not grown and that will not be able to properly understand. And there does not appear his/her certain desires and unnecessary needs. I think that it is impossible to accelerate normal sexual development of the child, if you observe his limits and to develop the theme more than he wants to know. So, this problem is easy to avoid using four simple rules
A) don't start a conversation first, and only to answer the child's questions and to comment on life situations in which the child puzzled (found the condoms / grommets, saw someone from parents naked, I saw breast feeding, heard a strange word, saw the erotic scene in the movie, etc.).
B) the question — first to clarify what the child meant / where he heard it that he already knows about it. That did not work, as in the joke about "abortion ship" :) Feature of the child's mind that children do not always ask what we want to know their worries. And direct question can carry the second layer. You need to find out to answer.
C) to only answer the question without going. "What's that?" — "Breasts". Point and pause. If the child is not enough for your answer, he will give it to understand, for example, asks a clarifying question (and then 25). If he is satisfied, if that's all he wanted to know — then you need to stop. Children are perfectly capable to control the depth of the conversation and the amount of information that you can digest. When a child in the head will result in the following question, you will be the first!
G) to Be willing/Oh to continue this conversation at any time when the child wants to continue (except socially inappropriate moments, then you need to return to it as soon as the possibility appeared). Overall, the legalization of the topic of sex stimulates curiosity, and it's perfectly healthy. And that means that maybe in a month you will have to explain about surrogate motherhood, and what to do! The percentage of parents serious :)
NB! It is not always necessary to tell the child about all the bad things you know by asking the question. Often parents in this driven by anxiety and the desire to protect, and that is perfectly fine. But the child because of their age is not always able to understand everything, to learn and to put on the right "shelf" in the head. But worrying ahead of time it can — not even the actual content, and the very anxiety and tension that he can "communicate" with the topic of sex. Try to decide carefully what to reveal and what to postpone.
Small shared directory that is in the interests of children of different ages:
2-4 years. The names of body parts and genitals. Where babies come from (the General idea). However, the details of the process of conception and childbirth are still unclear, so that usually is enough answer about the uterus where the baby grows until the time comes to be born.
4-6 years. Exactly how a child is born. Can you explain about childbirth, the contractions and the fact that children are born from the vagina. The General concept of conception ("you made mom and dad"). Sometimes children require more details, then you can start to explain about eggs and sperm.
6-9 years. The General concept of sexual intercourse. Eggs and sperm, penis and vagina, uterus and ovaries. During this period it is already possible to Supplement what you think is right about sex and relationships. The older the child, the more he is able to understand about the importance of sex and pleasure, about Masturbation, about rape, about same-sex relationships, about infertility, etc.
10-12 years. The essence of puberty and the changes occurring in the body. All sexual topics that the child will learn from TV and from friends. At this age, formed values and personal boundaries, therefore it is necessary to specify what kind of information is now of interest to your child, not to be Intrusive, but at the same time, be ready to discuss whatever he/she wants.
4. Vocabulary
In the Russian language the words for sex, sexual organs and related phenomena and processes, either too scientific or cuscatln, or it's euphemisms. Well, a reduced vocabulary is. Neutral, actually, no. Therefore, it is very difficult to choose words, even for the simplest explanation.
It is very difficult to quietly say the names of body parts, processes, phenomena, it may seem that all the "not" is not suitable. So first, before talking with your child, it makes sense to sort out a few words and make sure that you can say them that they do not cause you have a desire to laugh. Laughter is the mask of shame, anxiety or stress, and children accurately read what is under the mask, and "glued" it to the subject. It is therefore important that you yourself feel comfortable with the selected words.
Here I want to say one need, in my opinion, the thing. Whatever words you choose, they are the only true. ONLY YOU know fit into your family lexicon, feel undertones and relevance only to you and to decide what to say. Let you choose the word "pussy" is the right word. Let you choose the word "cock" or "penis", it is also the right word. Someone any word may seem stupid, ridiculous, inadequate to the situation and still do not know how. It's does not matter. The child is important, not the words themselves, and that calmness and confidence with which parents are willing to answer his questions. And vocabulary will be tightened when the time comes.
5. The conduct of the conversation
There are several techniques and ways to improve communication to all participants. Here they are:
1) it is desirable to explain in simple words without terms and complex sentences, simplifying so as soon as possible. If you need a term which the child never heard before, then you need to explain
2) do not have to be in agreement with all that you tell, you can talk about different options and points of view, but they should not be ignored. As their curiosity, the child will sooner or later meet, and as a result may find something far beyond your expectations
3) perfectly normal not to know something or not be able to answer immediately, and the modern world provides plenty of opportunities to fix it: YouTube, Wikipedia, just search for the pictures or books. Together with the child or separately, promising to tell then you can look for the right information. The best way to deal with this topic – together to learn something new and then to discuss it.
4) normally uncomfortable, no need to ignore it. You can say something like: I (you) now embarrassing, and it's hard, but this topic is important and we are sure she will continue to talk together, because then it will be easier.
Author: Catherine Sagitova
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: f3.livejournal.com/92403.html
So, what seems important to me in this thread
1. Attitude
Most importantly, what parents need to know, decided to talk to the child, answer his questions – you are absolutely right. Children who have had at least a single experience of positive discussion of sex with parents, less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour and problems associated with it. This means that they:
— late start of sexual life and make it more of your choice and physiological volition and not under pressure of the environment;
— have fewer sexual partners, less likely to use promiscuity as a way of solving psychological problems;
— care about their safety, more likely to use protection and contraception are more likely to say "no" when something does not want.
In fact, this is exactly what we would all be genuinely happy in their children. And quiet, friendly conversations – the easiest way to achieve this. No one can affect expectations, perceptions, and personal boundaries of the child as parents — the topic of sex that works too. Proof of this has been hundreds of studies over the past 20-30 years.
2. Own feelings
Sex, childbearing and relationships – the phenomena themselves are not shameful, not funny and not dirty. This is one of the aspects of our lives, such as healthy, pleasant and solid as the others. But while this is a very intimate party, so it may be difficult to begin to discuss.
Plus, many parents have a certain negative background which can make it difficult to speak freely. So before you begin your conversation with the child, preferably
A) to discuss a common plan between themselves. To make sure mom and dad the same ideas about what and what not to say. If the views are different – it is better to come to a compromise.
B) if you're shy, potrenirovatsja in front of the mirror or with your spouse. The child can ask something as one parent and both at once, so great if mom and dad can support such a conversation in the presence of each other, undeterred.
C) if talking about sex with a child you absolutely can not because of the experienced shocks and negative memories, be sure to help yourself to cope with it. Discuss this with a therapist if you therapy; talk to friends; or, at least, read something on the Internet. Your child is an individual and the life he will be completely different. You have a unique opportunity not to give him negative, what you had, but for this you need a little to take care of themselves.
3. Border
Many parents worry, no "corrupt" if they child, telling him something he has not grown and that will not be able to properly understand. And there does not appear his/her certain desires and unnecessary needs. I think that it is impossible to accelerate normal sexual development of the child, if you observe his limits and to develop the theme more than he wants to know. So, this problem is easy to avoid using four simple rules
A) don't start a conversation first, and only to answer the child's questions and to comment on life situations in which the child puzzled (found the condoms / grommets, saw someone from parents naked, I saw breast feeding, heard a strange word, saw the erotic scene in the movie, etc.).
B) the question — first to clarify what the child meant / where he heard it that he already knows about it. That did not work, as in the joke about "abortion ship" :) Feature of the child's mind that children do not always ask what we want to know their worries. And direct question can carry the second layer. You need to find out to answer.
C) to only answer the question without going. "What's that?" — "Breasts". Point and pause. If the child is not enough for your answer, he will give it to understand, for example, asks a clarifying question (and then 25). If he is satisfied, if that's all he wanted to know — then you need to stop. Children are perfectly capable to control the depth of the conversation and the amount of information that you can digest. When a child in the head will result in the following question, you will be the first!
G) to Be willing/Oh to continue this conversation at any time when the child wants to continue (except socially inappropriate moments, then you need to return to it as soon as the possibility appeared). Overall, the legalization of the topic of sex stimulates curiosity, and it's perfectly healthy. And that means that maybe in a month you will have to explain about surrogate motherhood, and what to do! The percentage of parents serious :)
NB! It is not always necessary to tell the child about all the bad things you know by asking the question. Often parents in this driven by anxiety and the desire to protect, and that is perfectly fine. But the child because of their age is not always able to understand everything, to learn and to put on the right "shelf" in the head. But worrying ahead of time it can — not even the actual content, and the very anxiety and tension that he can "communicate" with the topic of sex. Try to decide carefully what to reveal and what to postpone.
Small shared directory that is in the interests of children of different ages:
2-4 years. The names of body parts and genitals. Where babies come from (the General idea). However, the details of the process of conception and childbirth are still unclear, so that usually is enough answer about the uterus where the baby grows until the time comes to be born.
4-6 years. Exactly how a child is born. Can you explain about childbirth, the contractions and the fact that children are born from the vagina. The General concept of conception ("you made mom and dad"). Sometimes children require more details, then you can start to explain about eggs and sperm.
6-9 years. The General concept of sexual intercourse. Eggs and sperm, penis and vagina, uterus and ovaries. During this period it is already possible to Supplement what you think is right about sex and relationships. The older the child, the more he is able to understand about the importance of sex and pleasure, about Masturbation, about rape, about same-sex relationships, about infertility, etc.
10-12 years. The essence of puberty and the changes occurring in the body. All sexual topics that the child will learn from TV and from friends. At this age, formed values and personal boundaries, therefore it is necessary to specify what kind of information is now of interest to your child, not to be Intrusive, but at the same time, be ready to discuss whatever he/she wants.
4. Vocabulary
In the Russian language the words for sex, sexual organs and related phenomena and processes, either too scientific or cuscatln, or it's euphemisms. Well, a reduced vocabulary is. Neutral, actually, no. Therefore, it is very difficult to choose words, even for the simplest explanation.
It is very difficult to quietly say the names of body parts, processes, phenomena, it may seem that all the "not" is not suitable. So first, before talking with your child, it makes sense to sort out a few words and make sure that you can say them that they do not cause you have a desire to laugh. Laughter is the mask of shame, anxiety or stress, and children accurately read what is under the mask, and "glued" it to the subject. It is therefore important that you yourself feel comfortable with the selected words.
Here I want to say one need, in my opinion, the thing. Whatever words you choose, they are the only true. ONLY YOU know fit into your family lexicon, feel undertones and relevance only to you and to decide what to say. Let you choose the word "pussy" is the right word. Let you choose the word "cock" or "penis", it is also the right word. Someone any word may seem stupid, ridiculous, inadequate to the situation and still do not know how. It's does not matter. The child is important, not the words themselves, and that calmness and confidence with which parents are willing to answer his questions. And vocabulary will be tightened when the time comes.
5. The conduct of the conversation
There are several techniques and ways to improve communication to all participants. Here they are:
1) it is desirable to explain in simple words without terms and complex sentences, simplifying so as soon as possible. If you need a term which the child never heard before, then you need to explain
2) do not have to be in agreement with all that you tell, you can talk about different options and points of view, but they should not be ignored. As their curiosity, the child will sooner or later meet, and as a result may find something far beyond your expectations
3) perfectly normal not to know something or not be able to answer immediately, and the modern world provides plenty of opportunities to fix it: YouTube, Wikipedia, just search for the pictures or books. Together with the child or separately, promising to tell then you can look for the right information. The best way to deal with this topic – together to learn something new and then to discuss it.
4) normally uncomfortable, no need to ignore it. You can say something like: I (you) now embarrassing, and it's hard, but this topic is important and we are sure she will continue to talk together, because then it will be easier.
Author: Catherine Sagitova
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: f3.livejournal.com/92403.html
