How to talk to teen about sex

"Sex education Teens" — read these words in the literature or in the study of adolescent psychologist, heebie-jeebies (what if my son or daughter had it happened? How? It is only recently the first tooth recently was the "first time in first class" recently...), and realize: no, this time will not work to give your teen the education. Exciting, shy and uneasy. How to do it? On the questions of our correspondent Ira Ford said psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya.



Lyudmila Vladimirovna, when can I start talking to teenager about sex, not to become the heroine of a joke, "Wow, mom, it turns out, does not know"? That may signal that it is time?

I'm honestly not sure that parents need to be sure to talk with teenagers about sex. It is clear that we need to talk about physiology, not that the daughter does not know what to do if, for example, she began menstruating, or shy to ask something. But about sex... Children are usually quite confused when they were talking about it parents. They prefer to save children's performance, parents out of this. That is, children know that they were born as the result of a sexual act, but to discuss what parents, for example, also look at porn, they are uncomfortable. And if you talk with your child about sex — it must be due to some reason. For example, a child first going somewhere overnight, parents assume that wherever he goes, be free of conditions — in this case, you can ask if he knows about protection and about their safety.

When you say "protection", you mean an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?

As for the disease, it is necessary that the child understand that diseases exist, they are transmitted, and if the person is nice and good, it does not mean that he is not infected: a person may not know that he is infected, or a person, for example, only once had casual contact and picked up something. And to protect themselves, there is nothing shameful or unpleasant, it's a simple security measure is to protect themselves.

Not by chance in some European schools, children are taught just to say in other word "condom" and the phrase "let's use a condom!" or "do you have a condom?"— just to clear the lump in my throat, which occurs in the throat at the thought that now it will have to say. You need to explain to the child that very stupid due to the fact that you are embarrassed and ashamed to a problem that will be even much more embarrassing and shameful. And who knows whether you will recover easily and quickly, or you will not leave this issue (e.g., unwanted pregnancy) after some serious consequences. That is, you need to convince the child that a simple safety measure will save him from many problems.

But when I say "protection and security", I mean not only "protection" I mean "condoms", but also the safety of the child, protection from unwanted contact. Statistically it is known that the vast majority of rape is not a maniac in the entrance, and fairly close acquaintances, classmates, friends at court, who sincerely believe that if a girl says "No!" she just flirts.



That is, you need to explain to the girl that the actions and actions of peers and older youths may be hiding a sexual innuendo? To one side will not be intimidated, and on the other side that she understands that sometimes coffee is not just coffee, but "music" is not about music at all.

I think the girls know it. But, of course, if the child is introverted, if not particularly communicates with her friends and is outside of the teenage subculture, and you have a suspicion that the daughter really could not understand what "coffee" is not necessarily coffee, of course, better to tell, to explain: "When you agree to go to the boy's house and be alone with him, sometimes he may think that you don't mind continue. And when you then say that nothing was never going to do, he will be surprised." It is necessary to explain that there are situations where if you agree to something, at some point, it can be very difficult to stop the process, and that we should think twice about their safety in advance to have time to get out, when something you don't like

I think it is important that the child heard: "Nobody has the right to dictate to you, to impose it." Oddly enough, such an obvious idea for modern teenagers is sometimes not obvious. Group pressure all already, and you still... "are You kidding me?" It hard to both girls and boys. And you want the child heard from parents that no one has the right to force sex, no one has the right to dispose of his sexuality, his body. It is very important that an intimate relationship was in its infancy in the situation when the teenager really wants it, he really likes, good for him. That it was not through violence, not through clenched teeth, not through something else. It was not about humiliation, samonela, blackmail "Give or take from you!" It should not be because it may be bad for future sex life. You need to sex was not triggered by any other considerations than mutual joy and desire to be together.



You have raised an important issue of group pressure. And as a child to deal with classmates, friends, all teenage society?

Yes, if it was not so long ago the dictates of innocence and chastity (and, say, a hundred years ago, if a girl succumbed to temptation and lost her virginity, she could smear the gates with tar), but now the dictates of sexual sophistication, and the child may be ashamed to admit that he had not yet tasted that fruit. And the child who can not respond to group pressure "no, I do not want," "no, I do not", or to lie, to invent something and feel uncomfortable, or go and do something that requires him to society.

But how to resist? It seems to me, that's not the question that you need to start solving at 14-15 years. The result here depends on whether the increased child respect and self-esteem if he knows how to say "no" for some other occasions and how often did he say that "no" before. Agree, if the child is 15 years raised, suggesting that he should do what is commanded and to fulfill the wishes of others (even parents), it is unlikely he suddenly found the ability to say "no" to classmates or friends in the yard. Self-esteem should be nurtured in a child through childhood and then, as a teenager, he will find the strength and the right words in order to confront the society.



Lyudmila Vladimirovna, I want to build our conversation on the issues of moms of teenagers. Here is the mother of 15-year-old Lev asks: "How to talk to teen about porn? So, on the one hand, campaigning not to watch, on the other, that the son knew that I was not forbidden to do it and not condemn it?"

I think it is impossible to prevent that, that child will watch porn: all porn sites available, many of them, Teens are interested. Possible but the problem here is not that "watching porn, and what to do now", and that if a teenager watched porn, being mentally Mature enough, then this video may shock, scare, lead to the conclusion that this side of life — something disgusting.

When it seemed to me that my child is depressed seen, I simply said that porn is interesting, it is possible to look, but you need to keep in mind that this is not true. In the sense that everything in life is do not and do not mean it: in the wrong sense and not in a rush. What sex really is a completely different and irrelevant to what is shown.I told my daughter that watching porn and thinking you know all about sex is like that to wear glasses that are smeared with mud, to walk in them and think that the world is so. But this is just dirty points.



Natalia has a son 13 years old, and the question: "How to talk to kids about sex? The same that I use myself, or more literary?"

I think there is embarrassment and tension of the parents is a bigger problem than choice of words. What words are comfortable, who you will less confusing, and they can talk!

Olga asks: "are There any books that you recommend to read to parents or adolescents about sex education of adolescents?"

Yes, books full, have released a long time, there are modern — they are all about one. There are some teen magazines, there is, in the end, Wikipedia. There are erotic films and erotic scenes in normal movies. I highly doubt that teenagers need a serious educational program, "what is sex", but rather, they need to talk about how to take care of yourself and protect yourself.

Son of Hope 14 years, he meets with a girl, "I think that between them are, said Nadya. And have no idea what and how to talk with your son about sex?"

I guess you could say: "I don't know, important for you or not, but I want to know if you know about safety in this respect, if all you know about contraception, about how it is important not to hurt the girl, to be with her careful and attentive. If you need any help, I can help you find information or tell you something that I know. Or to find someone who you will speak on that".

A further possible options: either the son will make round eyes: "Mom, what are you doing there? We are only holding hands," or he'll say, "Okay, I know, don't worry!", or formulate some requests on this topic.



Leroy asks: "How to explain to the girl that sex in teenager she is, in principle, do not need? She's 13, and the arguments "Before, wait, wait, wait for the one" will have weight."

And who said that sex it is not needed? Maybe she needs him, I don't know. Children are different, and there are those who at 13 is quite aware that they need it. From the point of view of the nature of such a child is often already quite Mature individual. But in any case, you can talk to your daughter about what sex is not just a physical act. This point is very high vulnerability is associated with how you're going to treat myself in the future, how will you feel. This is the moment when you're easy to offend, when it is easy to make you unpleasant, painful, embarrassing.

This is a situation which requires careful treatment to yourself, care for yourself. It may happen sooner, later, it doesn't have to be the only one, and it's not "wait" or "wait for the one". This should happen to a person in which you are absolutely sure. Which will you gentle, careful, respectful, attentive, who does not take advantage of your vulnerability.

And there are some, maybe, formulas, phrases that a girl needs to know in order not to succumb to persuasion or even blackmail a teenage boy, if it comes to it?

The most simple words is, "No, I don't want to." And that's all.

But if they will be followed by: "I'll tell your parents that you come with me", "I'll tell the teacher", "I'll tell your friends"? I think the blackmail in children and adolescents is a common occurrence.

The girl doesn't have to be afraid that a boy or young man (Yes, whoever it was) said something to her parents because she can be the first to tell them that she was in an unpleasant situation. If parents are willing to think three moves ahead, it is possible today to say the daughter-the teenager: "Bear in mind that if you find yourself in a situation that will scare you, and you would be ashamed, or you will feel that you are cornered, you can always tell me. I'll help out and deal with it. Anyway, we can work something out together. You don't have to cope alone, you don't have to endure that."




Question from Irina: "I had a baby at 18, now look at his son, who is 17 and see that he's a child. How to keep him out of early parenthood, except that in the drawer in the bathroom are the condoms?"

No more! Well, in 17 years to keep him safe?

Question from Olga: "Daughter was 10 years old, she asks me: "I'm in school, brother in kindergarten, and you and dad will stay home and will have sex?" How to respond?"

I would say: "This is our business. What I want to do. None of your business".

Elena asks: "what's funny in a conversation with a teenager in this way, and what should not?"

Oh, sometimes it seems that teenagers are nothing not to be trifled with. It's impossible to predict what they will be offended. What seems an innocent joke can be very painful. To guess difficult, and we need to be ready to apologize if it turned out disappointing.

Marina adds: "do I Need a teenager to talk about Masturbation? And what can I say, if you notice the child doing THIS?"

It's a small child sometimes you have to say about the fact that IT does not do in front of other people, which can touch only in private. And the teenagers usually do not have such problems. Noticed? Pretend you didn't notice. published

Text: Ira Ford


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