12 conclusions that I did in 12 years of marriage
Surprisingly, behind 12 years of marriage. As far as I can remember, never set myself goals imperative to get married, have kids, and live the life of "aunt" to the end of his days. On the contrary, the purpose to life was spectacular, perhaps, as many 15-17 year olds that think whole life ahead of you and "still have time".
Really wanted to achieve results in sport, will certainly win the Olympic gold and go to live in another country. Marriage in the plans included as another important life stage, from the category of "born-studied-married."
But I never understood the hype around "bagging a man, not necessarily rich." Never understood the hype around "I want to get married". Never specifically searched for a man doing everything possible that would get me noticed.
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But, to be honest, in the sports get-together this was not a problem.
My goals never come true, life as usual has made adjustments. A sports injury put an end to my career, my Olympic gold. I had to hang on my wall.
Started freestyle from the sport life. But this has not led to walking round at night, some kind of unbridled life style, was not alcoholic parties and other "charms" posleprodazhnogo age. Sport accustomed to moderation in all things, to the discipline.
Even as a student, met her future husband. Never thought about how much I am to live in marriage. I realized that life can change at any minute. As in sports. Today you are a famous athlete, a champion and winner, and the next day you get a serious injury and a champion and a winner already by someone else.
Remember coach always told me:
To win, you have to be head and shoulders above others. I couldn't do – there are no words. Get up and do it. Do what you can for now and do the maximum.
And, apparently, the habit of thinking like a champion, firmly etched in my Outlook. This can be compared with the inner critic. If your inner critic is silent – so did the maximum, if you feel that "shalyavili" – you need to finish.
Eternal and under the guidance of the inner critic and is my family life.
All as in everyone: love, romance, passion, and suffering, there have been periods of lapping each other, know each other in everyday life, in a joint pastime, there have been periods of disagreement, misunderstanding, resentment at each other. And glued Wallpaper, and have a rest always together. Wanted to divorce and kill each other. Just like everyone else.
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And now I'm 12 years married, and ready to share 12 insights regarding this process:
1. Love is.
Yes, love is. It is the one that is so imposing in society, and whose name — addicted to love. With crazy emotions, suffering, tears, emotional pain and the inability to think about anyone but the object of such "love".
In relations should be GOOD. Without hysteria, the removal of the brain, emotional swings, adrenaline injections after unanswered messages, no broken plates and care "to come to mom", without anguish and sleepless snotty-tearful nights after another scandal.
In relations should be STABLE. Doesn't mean boring. Means you're sure at least 80% of what your spouse is (a) not throw a stunning trick when you're completely unprepared.
In relations should be PEACEFUL. When you go home and know that everything is okay that you don't get to aggressive drunken husband and does not get in the face face.
"Vzbryki" may be present, of course, but the General background of a lasting marriage – exactly-quiet. If not, then one of the spouses — emotional dependence.
2. Married life is not one big holiday.
Does not happen happily ever after without a break for lunch and weekends. Does not happen happily and enthusiastically without a break for may and the New year. There's sickness, poor health, fatigue and irritation, anger and resentment. There are frustrations, curses, troubles and difficulties. The only question is how long the couple is ready to get stuck in these situations.
3. The couple really should be of the same social level.
Cinderella and the Prince is nothing more than a fairy tale. Romantic nonsense that girls hammer head since childhood. And unequal marriages often end in divorce. Chemistry of love can push people to each other. But when love takes place, crawl out all of the difference in upbringing, mentality, attitude to life, to money, to work, to children and other forms of life. Everything you see in the movies is unsustainable, and the attempt to imitate this ends in glorious failure.
4. The couple needs to develop together.
We cannot be complacent. Neither one nor the other. If a husband and wife, in principle, do not develop in life, the result is sad. Who bothers to grow – throw. Sooner or later. Wife stuck in the pans, the diapers, the children, as well as the husband, the main interests are beer and TV – the ballast, which is discarded. Without options.
Hence another conclusion – you cannot prevent your spouse to develop. No matter what. Dancing, guitar, snowboarding, chess, 101 ways to cook chicken – any occupation where the person wants to achieve a result. Best to divide the interests of the wife, well not to interfere.
5. His wife doesn't need to dissolve completely to her husband and children.
I first give time to yourself, then to her husband and child. The woman who betrayed his I for men – get bored and it becomes a burden. It is impossible to completely dissolve in the family, it is impossible to live only by the desires of the husband, you cannot think about pots and kids. "Aunt" is not interesting to anyone. Interesting person near me that wants to explore, which I would like to talk to hear. And "aunt" like a sofa, because nobody would think to ask the opinion of the couch.
6. Each other need to take.
At a deep level. Can annoy and irritate some habits, it is possible to disagree with some of the manifestations of nature. You can have different views on some issues in the process of raising children. But on a deeper level people should be adopted. With all the "problems", with "cockroaches" and other animals. That is, you need to let a man be what he is. Of course, you can try to change it, but from a state of acceptance. And what would "remake" was only as an additional option. Will — well, not will – that is good.
7. The husband needs to be needed, and at the same time free.
In recent years live by this principle. Not afraid that her husband might leave because he, like any person, has a right to a better life for himself. Without me. This is normal. As I have a right to a better life for himself. Without it. Yes, it will be broken life will be difficulties, but the disaster will not happen. You can not forcibly hold the person beside him. So you need time to remove the rose-colored glasses, to forget forever the phrase "we will live together for a long time and will die one day" and be ready for anything. This does not mean that to live in this state constantly. It means knowing that at any moment a person can go and not to deceive ourselves on this account.
8. Each may have their own interests and desires. Everyone should have the right to personal space and personal time. Everyone should have their finances. And that's fine.
It is an axiom of relations. So it must be, and is not discussed. No need to drag your husband shopping, and need not necessarily be on the male fishing. Personal time is a must have, and hysteria as an attempt to deny this time – an occasion to reflect about the relationship.
I, for example, such personal time is the time training, yoga, running. Can go to the lake to sit and watch the water, think. It is also time for reading books, for other things. The husband calmly goes to the bath, meetings with friends, went fishing for a few days. Nobody's watching, tantrums are not satisfied. It's all good.
Also everyone should have their finances. Without the right of a spouse to demand the report on their use. Humiliating request to strip, as well as on cigarettes.
Personally, my husband and I have a number of obligatory items of expenditure per family per month. And these costs would be divided between us. I know exactly which ones should pay I, and my husband pays for "your" expenses. Everything that everyone is still spent according to his personal discretion. I do not demand from her husband's report on spending, it is also not required to report their.
9. Live a long time married people with similar temperaments.
When one pain in the ass, and the other, as emelja, but is on the stove, and did not raise him, then this marriage is hardly meant to be long. You can smooth some of the differences in the temperament, you can adjust the nature and speed of the life of another. But if these polar speed, your Ferrari life for a long time hardly keep next with barely puffing Zaporozhets.
10.The house must be an animal.
And preferably warm-blooded. Cat, dog, homyachek, someone to cuddle, touch. At different times we had cats, dogs, and sometimes both simultaneously. And now live with two dogs and a rat-Sphinx.
11. Sex in marriage is not important.
Crazy sex, nights of passion and romance as before, you can't have after 12 years of marriage, even after 3 years everything dies down and becomes more calm level. In order to maintain a high level of desire partner after many years spent side-by-side, you need a very strong emotion, which in principle can not be. Only if one of the spouses does not suffer from love addiction. Then he, Yes, can want passion and fire. In this case, the other spouse living with him is based, out of convenience, because you don't want to change anything.
But usually in normal, not problematic the relationship, the sex becomes secondary, if not secondary, and really is not Central to marriage.
12. Decisions should be made together. But the woman didn't need to go into a purely men's business.
Small, everyday activities do not require approval. But any major purchase, crucial decisions have to be discussed. And decisions are two. No "I decided to(a), said(a), so it will be".
How to raise a child, where to go on vacation, "let's get a dog" what kind of car to buy is discussed. But the climb, for example, in her husband's business – not desirable. Max to Express his opinion if asked.
And the most important thing for a lasting marriage is the desire to compromise, to listen and hear each other, to leave the opportunity to be alone, not to merge with each other like Siamese twins, and to leave myself and another space.
In General family life is a combination of love, trust, mutual support, tolerance and willpower. Order all the above changes every few years.
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We've never done this in family life:
1. Do not beat the dishes and not beat the furniture.
The maximum that you can achieve such behavior is unnecessary "headache", unplanned financial expenses, and failure while some need shopping or entertainment. And then, can't cope with emotion – "go Bang your head against the wall", as my grandma used to say.
2. Tore photos, clothes and so on.
The same as in the paragraph above. Nonsense, that's what it's called.
3. Never left to live to mother.
To mother go to live girls and boys who have not grown up, no matter what passport they are of age and who are unable to take responsibility for their actions and decisions.
Why do we need energy and where to get it
Session instant getting rid of bad luck
4. Not trying to do intentionally hurt each other.
Quarrel in family life everything. Do not stoop to the level of "Bazaar women", which aims to hit where it hurts is a sign of good relations. And who in the role of "market women" is a secondary issue.
5. Do not manipulate the child.
Never, under any circumstances. In the relations of adults to kids is not the place. And it's my firm belief, only idiots can make a baby a bargaining chip in their failed life. Live happily ever after. published