No one wants to start with yourself. That's the problem of any relationship. We like to play and Pull and wait the first step from other people.
I often hear it in different wording:
I will respect my mother when she stops bossing me around
I will listen to my husband when he starts to care about me
I'll be nice to mother-in-law when she would take me in
I accept the choice of his son when his wife will start to respect me
I lose control of my daughter when she starts behaving like an adult
I start cooking when the husband will earn
I resigned from work when her husband arranged
I'll lose it when he calls me
I will begin to change when he will change
How I know this! Ninety percent of the issues that have come to us about each other. Not about themselves. That I hurt so bad, and he does not change. And I will change too, but then. After he changed. That will throw the husband to drink beer on the weekends, and I stop to roll concerts. I'm out of beer, concerts and bowling. Sometimes, of course, I've been taking the concerts to a beer, but that doesn't count. First, let it change!
When I started to listen to lectures, I was waiting for my husband to start doing. Let him be first. Because he is a man, he should, he's older, it's easier for him. And so on.
Let him start early, and there I will catch up. Let him perform his duties, then I do. Let them earn and then I will start to cook and clean. Only then. And yet – chew sandwiches myself and my gender. I even not gonna ask you again – will do, when you get tired of it.
And the husband why-that has not changed. He even strained even more from my expectations. I told him about the money and he told me about the dinner. I told him about to listen to me and he told me about the sticky floor. Strange! I sit on it and sulk, because no one dresses not bought me, but he growls that it irritate my stained sweat pants...
This continued for a long time. In principle we have from the start played this game. But when there were lectures, I had more reasons for him to lay. Look, what smart people say! You have to! Bring the family forward, start to change! To listen on my part was difficult. So I filtered. To listen to this, when the first phase can handle. With the responsibilities of the husband.
All this led only to a deterioration of the situation. The tension grew. Nothing changed. And I wanted to do in lectures is to get up early to take a shower. Even cook like. Just dishes lacked for imagination, and the old ragged pans are not inspired. Well, wear nothing. And generally itself was kind of uninteresting. All in household, child, financial problems...
And one day I got tired of waiting. I just tried to get up early for yourself. Tried. Liked. Then I tried to cook a new dish. And also liked. Then I decided I wanted to be beautiful for themselves. And stopped wearing jeans...
As soon as the attention was shifted for themselves, things began to change. As soon as I decided to change itself – began to change her husband. Amazing. But I began to study lectures about wifely duties.
To learn how to be a good wife. Then I thought, what if it's not useful, then at least the wood is not mangled. So here I was correct. But it was useful. Not just useful – opened up another horizon.
And then I realized that all things change always begin with yourself. Until I changed, nothing will change. And will all my life waiting for first step from her husband. Do not wait and everything will collapse. Collapse not only what is, but also destroyed the future that we could be. I really could destroy all that makes me happy today. And this is scary and creepy. Thank God and the Teachers because they gave me the magic kick, so I decided to try and not wait!
It is useless to wait. Someone has to be first. Why wouldn't I? Why today not to try to change suddenly like that?
You can give a bouquet of flowers mother-in-law with gratitude for my son. Even if she doesn't like you.
You can bring tasty cakes to work colleagues. Even if they laugh at you.
You can cook my husband a delicious dinner with love. Even if it's not working now.
You can call my parents with gratitude, even if in response they will begin to teach you life.
It is possible for your health tomorrow is to get up before dawn today to sleep early. Even if none of the household will not support you.
You can fulfill your dreams, no matter how silly they may seem.
In heart to forgive all those people with whom you're fighting and who proves his innocence. Even if they do not forgive and do not recognize that I was wrong.
When we change ourselves, we open for other people. New possibilities, new facets of our relationship. It's harder than doing nothing and pointing fingers at each other. But this is maturity. The Mature position is to get out of the sandbox and stop waving blades. To get up and do something different. So, how we should act.
And when we do the steps first sooner or later comes out of the world. Not always in the same place and the same person. Some relationships need a lot of time before they warmed up and came alive. And some – only a single drop. Sometimes we begin to fulfil their wifely duties to her husband, and build relationships with the mother or with the child. And Vice versa – reconciliation-in-law or parents becomes the point of convergence with her husband...
The problem is that nobody wants to do this step. No one wants to grow up. All and continue to point fingers at each other, waiting for another change, blame others for their problems. And there is always a way. And it is very simple. To begin to change itself.
And most importantly – there is no other way. The rest – the blind alleys, mirages, anything, but not out. The only question is whether you want to go further, to live life to the fullest and to do, or you like to sit in the sandbox and make mud pies out of sand?
Author: Olga Valyaeva