The theme of relations between men and women in our country is becoming more acute. In preparation for the meeting with the famous psychologist Michael Labkovsky to find out why young and beautiful today so difficult to find a mate, the chief editor of ELLE magazine Elena Sotnikova first met his rather cynical rules, the first of which reads: "Do only what you want ".
Labkovsky acquainted with the rules, the first of which states that it is necessary to do only what you want, and the second - what not to do what you do not want to, I realized that the conversation will not be easy. Needless to say - my own life is a refutation of these rules. Sometimes I really do what I wanted, going against conventional dogmas. But mostly bags with a sense of duty of fear and guilt constitute the lion's share of my life's baggage. Sound familiar? Then join.
His words, with all the ambiguity have a huge effect.
ES What is really going on in our society, with men and women? Is there a plan or a demographic problem of interaction between the sexes problem lies in another plane? After all, there are women for whom it is still there is no difficulty to find a mate, they marry and have children, while most of the female population has serious problems in this regard. I watch a lot of beautiful, successful thirty women with a sharp temper and a maximalist approach to the relationship, which can not not like to marry - even just to meet and flirt. They say there is no place to meet friends and not with anyone.
ML But the question is, then what?
ES female loneliness problem, which I have drawn you here - this is something new? It has a demographic nature or its roots in another?
ML You can certainly find fault with the demographics. The situation is that according to the last census of the population of women much more than men. In reality women twice. The fact that there are drug addicts, alcoholics and prisoners in the census. Therefore, those who represent the matrimonial interest actually less. But at the same time someone is married, and more than once, and some have never been married, and always has been - regardless of demographics.
ES When she was different?
ML It's so long ago. The first lot of stress for women occurred between 1941 and 1945. Then, after 25 years it was impossible to get married all the time were mesalliances - it is clever, beautiful, and he was - a terrible alcoholic with no legs, and even forty years older. And it was considered a success, because the men were not. Then he went for a genetic fear associated with marriage, suggestion this generation of women. Therefore, in Russia since taken early marriage - in 19-20 years, while in Europe it occurs closer to 30 years. In our women still sits this post-war fear that the marriage can not take.
This is the first. The second is that loneliness - it's not lack of love around. This lack of interest in itself, and from childhood. Everyone knows that there are children who can not stay in the room alone and are constantly running behind mom. And another child may be left for three hours, and he will draw something to occupy yourself, and forget about it all possible. Here are those who run already with this issue. They can not entertain themselves they themselves are not interesting. Of these girls grow up women who are not in one go can not leave, or go to the theater, let alone sit in the restaurant.
As for the young, successful and beautiful women who can not find a mate, because they have, they say, the bar is high - is the inability to relationships and fear of relationships. Here there is a funny story about sex, "I can have sex only for love, but because I did not like the sex and I do not." This fear of sex. Usually say so victims of violence.
People always imagine something coming up, they're not psychologists, and do not understand the real background of what is happening to them. As for the search for partner to say, looking ahead - and who to look for? The only quality that can be at your partner - this is what he catches you. Everything else does not matter at all. If you love him, worried about him, worried - then there is no
ES So you think that the current generation of 30-year-old is no different from previous ones?
ML Lena, if you're talking about marriage, then there is generally a different story. But it is not measured by generations. The fact that the institution of marriage for love has nothing to do.
ML The institution of marriage - is a state-religious institution, numbering a thousand years of history, the meaning of which in cohabitation, housekeeping, procreation, child rearing, and increasing community. When our ancestors created the family, they have generally not taken into account the emotional factor. The groom or the bride's parents were selected; goal was to bring into the house of a healthy person, and it is desirable from a rich and noble family ... It is all these socio-economic relations, this is not about love. Love the choice of first emerged in the Middle Ages - think Romeo and Juliet, and how this will have an end. In the same song, Anna Karenina and her husband, who could not divorce her because he thought his wife owned and could not cross through it.
ES But now the situation is quite different, where do the Middle Ages?
ML Exactly. Now there is a marriage crisis. This huge machine of which is associated with law, property law, children - it all hangs on one nozzle, which is called "today love - tomorrow I do not like." It's that kind of nonsense this? Today, I like him, and in a week I do not like. And then begins a divorce, division of property, the lawyers, the courts - and only because "love is gone." A rational marry do not want to, because you want to love. I understand.
ES So what to do?
ML Mir turned follows to this problem. The first it began to make French. They came up with the so-called "paksirovannye relations» (PACS - a contract concluded between a physical person for the organization of their life together). Today, many Europeans shun marriage. They have this type of relationship, without going to the mayor's office - "we are a couple." This status also gives some economic benefits, a discount on the parking tax breaks. But the main thing - it does not involve the division of property. In France, for example, after the divorce, the husband will have his wife for life if she married 10 years did not work and depended on her husband's income. So people began to come to other forms of living together, knowing their imperfect nature. Love - is the emotional sphere, it inherently can not be stable.
ES And that is never successful marriages for love?
ML Deposit a happy family life, marriage, and sex with only one partner in one - a stable psyche. Do not make concessions, without compromise - it's a straight road to a cardiologist or an oncologist. When a person has a stable mind, he can live with one partner for life. And to love him alone.
ES An interesting approach. In our tradition "Weather in the house", the emotional flexibility and ability to adapt to her husband for the sake of the family has always been a key rule. And now, just all the time say that the younger generation has lost the ability to compromise, do not want to put up with the shortcomings of the partner and therefore has a problem that Kie. You're talking - stable psyche! Where to take it, the stable psyche and how many such people?
ML Lena, people do not like because they sag. This further aggravates the situation. You're going for a man just empty space, if you can not say about you, who you are, what you are and what you like for breakfast. If you are constantly trying to please, to neutralize all the conflicts - it is primarily for women is bad. According to statistics, single men live shorter lives than married men and married women live on less than lonely. Adopted in Russia, the manner of men around to give - this is one of the manifestations of fear. Tips in-law and grandmother - it's not that other, as the realization of the fear of losing her husband, left alone, and even without money. I do not welcome such behavior. He loved you for what you are - it's you, because you were itself. Where all go? Why is a girl of 16 years of all sent to hell, but in the 40 it already sits, not breathing and waiting to be somebody will pick up?
ES What happened during this time?
ML Self-esteem plummeted.
ML Because life was not. And people arranged very clear: when you have something does not work, you start to think that is wrong with you, and then just fit in-law with tips and says, "You're all wrong. You bitch and bitch, and it sucks. You should be here and behave. "
But the paradox is that bitchy just love, because, for example, a man has had such a dumb mom and was not in the house. People generally primitive organization. Women say, "I belong to it so, because it behaves like a goat." And because you can not argue. But the question is: what do you do with it at all, if it behaves like a goat? Here the solution. The cause of your problem is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that you have a neurosis, which requires release. And for this output requires a certain people and relationships in which you might suffer. So you specially come into such a relationship, because you have a child in the psychic need.
ES And what are the prospects for such a woman?
ML It is necessary to deal with the head, not the groom. Drinking man a woman - is in many ways its relation to the parents and, in particular, to the Pope. If there was pain, resentment, fighting - all these will be transferred to the relationship as a couple. We measure our love is suffering levels. I myself was so, then recovered. When a woman says, "I love", it is often the story is not about love. This is a story about drug dealers, which supplies it with the necessary suffering. A healthy love - it is about the extent to which you are happy. Many do not even realize what it was about, because it is already born in the unfortunate situation they were unhappy parents and they do not know what could be different.
(To be continued)