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Of those who matured early. But it has not grown
There are children who have grown up too early. Grown up because it was not close to them trusted adults, parents, on which you can rely.
Drinker, unpredictable drunk, the sober dad.
My mother, who left in the 5-year-old brother to sit with the baby, and punished if my daughter well enough to cope with the "parent" responsibilities.
Pope, who could suddenly come into a rage and beat.
Infantile mom, not able to take decisions, always offended, passed on to a child responsible for his condition.
Mom and Dad, rapidly find out the relationship, a very volatile pair.
No matter what they were. It is important that they are unpredictable, and next to them was dangerous. And when unsafe, then a lot of anxiety and helplessness. Many so that make childhood those feelings, the more alone -. Impossible
And then the child is born ability that helps him survive. He begins to very carefully watch their parents, trying to predict their behavior. And not only predict and influence this behavior. "If I do so, my mother would not swear." "If I do that way, my father would come sober»
. This illusory control of the other, on the one hand, is very important because it allows the child's mind is not destroyed completely. The belief that it is somehow able to control the behavior of parents, helps to cope with despair and helplessness. When the hopelessness of what is happening in the family, "covers" with a head, way to help yourself is often a hope, "I can influence and alter their parents».
And thanks to this protection, which helped to survive childhood. But the price paid by the people is very high.
Firstly, there is a "splitting" of the psyche. One part, which are collected and all the childhood experiences of powerlessness, dependency, anxiety, despair, "frozen", but the other part grows exaggerated: a pseudo-adult, controlling, responsible for the whole world. But since it is impossible to freeze some feelings without freezing the other suffers, all "child" of the sentient. Such people often look "very adult" or appear as if frozen, with some kind of mask on his face. Often, by the way, is a mask "positive».
Secondly, the energy which is necessary to leave a child in the childhood itself, in the knowledge of ourselves and the world, is aimed at disturbing knowledge of scanning other. And myself and the real world people know very little of his core beliefs are the same as that of a child. Inside and remains one baby picture of themselves and the world:. "The world is unpredictable and unsafe, and I in him dependent and helpless»
Third, because the child does not know that he can not afford to alter the parents that this is an impossible task - to become a parent to your parents, it will "fail" in redoing take personally: "I can not handle, it's me." And it grows with the feeling that he is not good enough, he tried a little, that he can not cope. He will try again and again, running away from despair and hopelessness. And once again faced with the fact that can not cope. From this a lot of guilt and fatigue.
Fourth, as a man, and so faced with excessive volatility as a child, he can not stand her even more. So he will choose what he is accustomed. The familiar, even if terrible, less scary than the unknown. And choose the kind of person would (unconsciously, of course), something that he was accustomed to in the parental home. This explains why children of alcoholics often fall into marital relationships with addicted people. More healthy relationship will be unknown to man, and so dangerous.
Fifth, it is very difficult to get rid of excessive attention to other people and excessive control. This is what he has learned very well during childhood. And it will interfere with his relationship to feel, to care for their needs. And it will interfere with other people in a relationship with him, or they will infantilize, shift the entire responsibility for themselves to controlling "mother" or to feel a lot of anger and to leave such relationships
. The consequences of excessively early adulthood and taking on responsibility for the excessive correction of the parents can be listed for a long time. One thing is clear - hard to live with them, a lot of fatigue
. Psychotherapy with people - a long process. A lot of time may require a person to realize that trying to control others, he runs away from his own unbearable feelings.
Not just a man can feel in a sufficiently secure environment to return to the "frozen" feelings of frustration, anxiety, hopelessness. Back to finally mourn the inability to change something, with something to cope. Mourn to take: "I can not control the parents, I can not control the world. It's not my responsibility. It is an impossible task. »
Take this in order to highlight, finally, its place in a relationship and their responsibility: for themselves and their lives. To begin to live their lives by listening to their desires, to your feelings. To live in an unpredictable world and withstand the unpredictability. And perhaps even begin to enjoy it and be surprised.
Author: Catherine Boydek
Drinker, unpredictable drunk, the sober dad.
My mother, who left in the 5-year-old brother to sit with the baby, and punished if my daughter well enough to cope with the "parent" responsibilities.
Pope, who could suddenly come into a rage and beat.
Infantile mom, not able to take decisions, always offended, passed on to a child responsible for his condition.
Mom and Dad, rapidly find out the relationship, a very volatile pair.
No matter what they were. It is important that they are unpredictable, and next to them was dangerous. And when unsafe, then a lot of anxiety and helplessness. Many so that make childhood those feelings, the more alone -. Impossible
And then the child is born ability that helps him survive. He begins to very carefully watch their parents, trying to predict their behavior. And not only predict and influence this behavior. "If I do so, my mother would not swear." "If I do that way, my father would come sober»
. This illusory control of the other, on the one hand, is very important because it allows the child's mind is not destroyed completely. The belief that it is somehow able to control the behavior of parents, helps to cope with despair and helplessness. When the hopelessness of what is happening in the family, "covers" with a head, way to help yourself is often a hope, "I can influence and alter their parents».
And thanks to this protection, which helped to survive childhood. But the price paid by the people is very high.
Firstly, there is a "splitting" of the psyche. One part, which are collected and all the childhood experiences of powerlessness, dependency, anxiety, despair, "frozen", but the other part grows exaggerated: a pseudo-adult, controlling, responsible for the whole world. But since it is impossible to freeze some feelings without freezing the other suffers, all "child" of the sentient. Such people often look "very adult" or appear as if frozen, with some kind of mask on his face. Often, by the way, is a mask "positive».
Secondly, the energy which is necessary to leave a child in the childhood itself, in the knowledge of ourselves and the world, is aimed at disturbing knowledge of scanning other. And myself and the real world people know very little of his core beliefs are the same as that of a child. Inside and remains one baby picture of themselves and the world:. "The world is unpredictable and unsafe, and I in him dependent and helpless»
Third, because the child does not know that he can not afford to alter the parents that this is an impossible task - to become a parent to your parents, it will "fail" in redoing take personally: "I can not handle, it's me." And it grows with the feeling that he is not good enough, he tried a little, that he can not cope. He will try again and again, running away from despair and hopelessness. And once again faced with the fact that can not cope. From this a lot of guilt and fatigue.
Fourth, as a man, and so faced with excessive volatility as a child, he can not stand her even more. So he will choose what he is accustomed. The familiar, even if terrible, less scary than the unknown. And choose the kind of person would (unconsciously, of course), something that he was accustomed to in the parental home. This explains why children of alcoholics often fall into marital relationships with addicted people. More healthy relationship will be unknown to man, and so dangerous.
Fifth, it is very difficult to get rid of excessive attention to other people and excessive control. This is what he has learned very well during childhood. And it will interfere with his relationship to feel, to care for their needs. And it will interfere with other people in a relationship with him, or they will infantilize, shift the entire responsibility for themselves to controlling "mother" or to feel a lot of anger and to leave such relationships
. The consequences of excessively early adulthood and taking on responsibility for the excessive correction of the parents can be listed for a long time. One thing is clear - hard to live with them, a lot of fatigue
. Psychotherapy with people - a long process. A lot of time may require a person to realize that trying to control others, he runs away from his own unbearable feelings.
Not just a man can feel in a sufficiently secure environment to return to the "frozen" feelings of frustration, anxiety, hopelessness. Back to finally mourn the inability to change something, with something to cope. Mourn to take: "I can not control the parents, I can not control the world. It's not my responsibility. It is an impossible task. »
Take this in order to highlight, finally, its place in a relationship and their responsibility: for themselves and their lives. To begin to live their lives by listening to their desires, to your feelings. To live in an unpredictable world and withstand the unpredictability. And perhaps even begin to enjoy it and be surprised.
Author: Catherine Boydek
