Michael Labkovsky: Still, it all depends on women

You give birth to me,

and I'll call you back!

Vladimir Vishnevsky

And in life and in practice I have met few good fathers. Men do not tend to be good fathers. It's even a bit unnatural. They basically differently arranged! Paternal instinct - is a myth

. Anyway, are not born with it. Fathers love their children love Social: they are bound to the children with whom to spend time, taken care of. Even if forced to ... At least, at first. Good father - it's always the right product strategy of behavior of women. Get married and give birth - is not the focus. The most difficult and most important - to grow from a husband caring dad

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And to begin with is that the advance of pregnancy to find out whether your partner wants children and whether ready for anything that is connected with them. Only in this case, you can then bring its requirements, to share responsibility and care for two. And if it turns out that it is not ready - it is better to delay childbearing or honestly to rely only on themselves

. That was going to write about fathers and refer to them - real and potential, but it turned out that all the bumps on the back of women. Still, it all depends on you, and let's admit it again.

Now, remember, as advised by the late Dr. Spock? Came out of the hospital, give the child into the hands of his father, while they themselves go to the manicure. Exaggerated, but the point is clear. And it is true.

Often women push men on a cot with the words, "everything must be sterile." Or pull kulёchek with the baby out of his arms - "has been dropped." Or inexplicably whisper "I myself" at the sound of ua- wa middle of the night. And then comes the grandmother-mother, mother-in-law-a man, and the defense has intensified.

Plus in some families decided to hire a nanny, and not one. Thus, between the father and the child appears a distance, almost a strip of alienation. It is believed that the age of about one year, and sometimes up to three - not a time when the father may come in handy on the farm. Except for rounding up diapers, kiss pyatochku and pricked.

And then, a moment missed!

I often hear from fathers of children of all ages: "What to do with it? A small, snotty, can not speak. " They are not interested, bored, and a little scared at the thought that you have to spend an hour alone with a child, or even two. According to his daughters of Leo Tolstoy, he began to communicate with them after their 20th birthday. But if you do not husbands Tolstoy - think of it, you can make a decent father

. Tips to the topic. If the baby does not sleep - normal, loving man you will be for him to get up at least half the time. You, above all, it does not stop.

Never reject the proposed aid, no "oh well, I can handle." Well, if aid does not arrive proposals themselves actively associated with her husband's service to the kid. It is necessary to change diapers (at times) was simply no one - except for him! Bathe - only together, and only together with the Pope. "I am a very difficult and unsafe" - and it's true. Just do not start until he comes home.

Walking with a child for his father - a holy cause. The text is: "I cook dinner, waiting for you in two hours»

. In short, dress, undress, put to bed - all these can and must be done together or in succession. As soon as possible plants in the family rituals of his father's involvement in child care. Some duties should be solely the responsibility of the father!

And, in addition, on various pretexts leave a child tete-a-tete with his dad. Let accustomed. "I need to rest", "I urgently in clinic" - and ran ... This is not a frivolous and selfish - remember, you grow the father of his child, you are saving your family and a common future

. Only by investing in a child's time and strength, walking, changing diapers, bathing, getting up at night to him, the man capable of firmly attached and love child. By the way, not necessarily their own.

Unfortunately, today's fathers themselves childhood often passed without fathers. Not the fact that when they grow up in single-parent families or their dad were alcoholics or bad people. They could simply not do his sons, not particularly involved in their lives, perhaps even a "goat" a child could do. And now we are really helpless men who do not have a representation as to feed, clothe, put your baby on the potty ...

This they say, "How do I know what he wants and what he yelling?", "How to play with him when he was still on his feet is not worth it?" How would they even know what a family it can make a man when they are severe fathers and grandfathers believed communication with children unmanly thing? If someone is not so - congratulations! Others will have to first establish the right family tradition.

Position: "I bring money into the family, and this is my contribution! What more do you want ", and even more so -" I work, I get tired - I was not up to your snot "- I feel stupid and totally unacceptable. Father - it is not only (as at present - and not so much) the provider, as a person who is involved in the care and upbringing of children, who communicates with them, are interested in their lives, at which a child can rely on and always knows about it ! Just because the parents get to grow up healthy, self-confident people, not neurotic attention-deficit and a bunch of complexes.

The worst thing that can be selected in a family scenario - is the role of bad cop. And, unfortunately, it's father often plays. And then he is a moron, conducted in the elementary female provocation: "Go figure it out, I can not." In 99% of cases - this means that it will now start to yell or even take the belt, instead calmly say: "Son (docha), what you have here is the matter?" And the blame in every scene with his father's anger - and mother that "merges" the child and often uses the threat "I'll tell dad," and his father, who ritually povozmuschatsya easier than to fundamentally change the approach and produce the systemic restructuring of relations within the family.

With fathers there is one serious problem - jealousy. For some men, it is a complete horror when all attention switches to the child. Being infantile, they begin to suffer and incredibly jealous. And aggression towards children, in most cases it appears because of jealousy!

In my counseling I had a client who told me with horror that every time on the couch sitting the whole family - she, her husband and their young son, the son is bound to be on the floor, because the husband of his quietly faced the couch, moving and moving up in the his direction. Well what can I say?

Children, especially small, do require 100% attention to the mother, and yet it would be good to somehow contrive to keep the relationship and the level of "man-woman" and not to transfer them to the level of "man - the child's mother men." It is very difficult, it is important and is possible only under the condition of love and friendship between the spouses.

An important difference between men in the approach to the child is that they are much more ambitious than women and their children are constantly loaded with high hopes. You see, they always think that their child SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH! That usually translates into children's neurosis "unjustified expectations».

How many tragedies and children's tears, I watched as a 12-year-old girls were sent to school near London and Bern, the sons against their will were forced to enroll in the Higher School of Economics and at the Faculty of the right - just because my father so decided. Father once he wanted to study there. Like, "that fathers do not dopel - we Ad dition!»

Or pope 7-year-old girl said that her daughter is engaged in gymnastics and everything is tough, but he agreed with the coach that the 12 years of its "break" will not. Thus giving to understand that he was not such a crazy parent, like everyone else ... I think it's strange at all - to allow the idea that your child will "break»

. Mother and about the school not raging, the health of their child care more than academic performance. But his father's ambition in this topic flourishes! As a thread of control, particularly for girls. Here the Pope behaved particularly aggressively, trying to severely restrict freedom - not so much from a desire to protect from troubles, but because of fear and jealousy again ...

A few words about divorced fathers. There is a category of men who go to another woman, create a new family, having children there, and the "previous" forget. And these men are not so little as to think. This is again the question of the social nature of paternal feelings - there is in this something of "out of sight - out of mind»

. And for those who, existing in a state of divorce, communicating with children, characterized by two errors. The first mistake: at a meeting with the child "to include teachers' and reduce all communication to the control questions about the studies, evaluations, lessons, discipline, extra classes," what are you thinking? ", and" now we need to get together and put pressure. " The second option erroneous behavior Sunday dads - to arrange a continuous holiday. Move out of the theater in the cafe, then to the zoo, where the carousel, then in the "Children's World", a pizza, and so on ad infinitum.

A child, in the meantime, the air must be normal human communication! To the pope asked that the child's care, felt his mood, status, interest in his relationships with friends and the opposite sex, etc.

But it must be noted that instead of the fathers often fenced off from the children, first buying them toys, and then (in the best case), paying for his studies. Suggest instead of money itself - it is generally common in our situation. Like male infantilism and unwillingness to take responsibility. Plus, emotional immaturity, when men are not able to exercise the good feelings, even plainly can not hug a child, but perfectly able to show aggression ... All it is, and all it is a fact of our lives. But above all this can work. It would be a desire.

And in the end I will try to speak directly to representatives of the stronger sex:

- Do not get married, or do not agree that the wife gave birth, if you do not feel a need to become a father. Ideally, you should be prepared to have to want it, and most importantly, to have this power and time;

- Develop your emotions, learn to give and take love, learn to feel and express their feelings;

- If you want to have been real close, trusting relationships with children, do not wait until they turn 15 - bathe, veil feed from a bottle and spoon, get up at night and walk during the day, be there always - not literally, so the soul and thoughts.

- Learn how to play, seemingly meaningless children's games;

- Children do not ship your expectations, do not grow out of them standouts, astronauts, Bill Gates, Landau academics - take them for what they are ...

If anyone had a father who knew how all this ... How are we grateful to him, right? Forever grateful.

Those who were there are fathers - grown men, confident, and certainly happier and healthier than everyone else ...

Author: Michael Labkovsky