How not to become a mentor with respect to his own child? How to teach children self-reliance and to convey to them my feelings? Slon Magazine readers had a meeting with the famous psychologist Julia Gippenreiter and recorded ten tips that you should not do when dealing with a child.
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Do not be afraid to change the life traektoriiMnogie ask, what is worse -. Child, abandoned the working mother or the child, who only sees the tormented mother with household chores. There is an opinion that it is necessary to choose a self-realization, or the children.
In fact, if you sit with the kids and you're bored and bad - change the situation If you come to work for a full day, and you uncomfortable and guilty conscience, that threw the child -. Again to change the situation. This does not mean you have to give up work. Just here there is a field for thought and creativity - think about what you want the job and what degree of employment. We must respond to their internal dissatisfaction. Emotions - our main guide
A person becomes happier when the different parts of his soul and mind agree among themselves. There is no need to suppress any part of itself or in respect of children or spouses or work. Be more sensitive to yourself, get rid of schematic reasoning: either pan or success in society. Such simplification - not about real life with the feelings and the will to change. < Do not be afraid to risk and change their life trajectory.
Not wait chuda
Somehow one my mother asked: "If Dad comes home for fifteen minutes before the boy goes to sleep, how to do, so that they come into contact," Get in touch they are. But to become a full Dad this child for fifteen minutes a day he did not succeed.
The child's memory will remain mum, grandmother, aunt, nanny and their installation, the characters, the way of thinking and attitude to the world - but not my father's. Because so much is not transferred to the child through direct speech, and through the observation of the family and their relationship. And these relationships children then reproduce in their lives So, unfortunately, this boy can not then fully educate his son, he just does not know how -. Because the pope himself is not raised. There are no miracles
Do not force yourself to play with rebenkomDo school-aged child's main mode of existence -. Play. But the important thing is not how many hours and minutes you spend with it, and quality of your games with him. Do not force yourself to play with a child by force. He feels and hears that you're bored with it. Look for something that you yourself interested in doing with your child.
Besides joint games, the child must be able to hold their own and play themselves. "Do it yourself", "I invent" goes further in "the very thought." You will not be able to build him his thoughts. Therefore, it is important that it was not only "we are together", but "I myself." We need to let go, so that he no longer always rely on my mother: What I do now? But what to do? It is important to gently remove themselves from the game so that the child was playing himself.
Moreover, parents should never about the actions of the child to say "we." "We went to kindergarten", "we went to the second class," "We are ready for school", and then "we go to college." It is important that children distinguish , where "my mother" and where the " I ».
Not "educate" rebenkaRebenka often brought up on the understanding which is considered the main mom and dad of their ideas about how the child should behave and how should be organized in his life. Undoubtedly, the need to ensure the safety of the child and in many respects limit, at least for the fact that he fell out of the window from the sixth floor and was able to cross the road. It is important that it is time to eat, sleep, and was accustomed to the pot.
But for psychic contact with your child this is not enough. Understand the child - is to understand what he wants, that it is difficult that it absolutely can not be what he wants, and that the main thing for him. Children often find their desires bluntly: "I do not want to sleep," "I want ice cream," "I want you to not go to work»
All these lines of "I want" and "do not want" is actually playing with different signs of parental "right" that we call education. We need it to sleep and time to eat, we need to work. And what should it? I will say, perhaps dramatically, and paradoxically, if you want to establish emotional contact with the child - stop him to bring
not always be pravyChasche just raise our parents practice - it . Schooling We say, do so. If a child does that, we correct him. That is to manage it. At best, running your perseverance: "Read, read, read - it is necessary." In the worst - bullying: "Will studded with a computer - you will be dependent, like alcoholics ... you will not learn well - thrown out of the school and will sweep the streets." Our training gives your child the form we need, and criticism, intimidation and punishment of this form of frozen, "That's not right!", "That's right!»
If a child is wrong, we first fix in a hurry: "Well, you know how to add, we are taught ...". And you take and make a mistake on purpose, write a first grader: 2 + 5 = 6. How to be happy your child that parents make mistakes too! Children are accustomed to, that they are run, their crush. But they themselves - nothing. < does not teach a child - play around with it It is actually in the child miraculously from birth laid a lot of healthy energy.. It mostly develops itself. Already in the year of a child - a personality. And you have to respect his interests and give him the opportunity to self-determination
not stop -. Let him go where hochetMy nervously pulled over the child's tights, because late in kindergarten. And he was sitting, lounging, and thinking about something else. Because he already knows: he dressed, lead, surrender - when and where parents need. It will form. < And he wants? What interests him most? Ask him, he is small - he will tell you. Otherwise, then it's too late - in adolescence, he already will have to hide from their own interests - he was accustomed, he object of education, and not the subject of building your own life
The motivation of the child, his interests have to observe as the apple of the eye and develop The possibility and ability to find yourself - this is the secret of a happy man. The child always wants something, and if you throw up food for his interests, he will go on the way happy. Give your child find themselves and do not panic: "Oh-oh! Where he went to look for myself ?! "Let him go. Year-old child is not able to pronounce the "s", but says: I sham
not scare cruel miromNeredko I hear this question: "That you, Julius B., preach humanism and respect for the child. And our society preaches violence, cruelty and cunning. And if the child is at home only white and fluffy, then he would have to prepare at the school where he works and writ suppression system? »
On these issues, I have the answer. The more a saved as the child goes out into the world, the more it is developed and strengthened. The more he understood and respected, the more he was able to realize its interests, the better It developed its self, the more will be developed to its ability to resistance, ie above its resistance to harsh conditions. Conversely, if you are firmly educate the child, it is loose at the exit to the world
And do not forget to talk about chuvstvahKak studies show that the development of the so-called emotional intelligence is of great importance for how much. successfully in the future child will be able to cope with difficult situations. To develop children's emotional intelligence, to be used in communication Dictionary emotions. more likely to use words that describe your condition and the condition of the child, call a spade different experiences, passions and feelings. Child Emotions need to listen and articulate them to him as, "do you want to", "you're not happy," "you're mad", "you cry," "are you really, really want ice cream, and I'm banned, and you upset because of this . »
says the child about himself, about his conditions, the dynamics of his experiences. Translate children's tantrums and manipulation in a conversation about his feelings. But do it not with irritation, but with understanding. And do not ask, "Why did not you listen? But we agreed…". The child will likely not know the answer to these questions. And you just lock up emotional connection, translating a conversation with him on the logical level.
And do not forget to communicate your feelings to him: "You are now refuse to put on, and I was very sad," "I'm sorry, I can not let you ice cream tenth" (there is also a spark of humor)
. Do not admonish "You yourself promised it would last a cartoon!" this is the "same" is called exhortation , and it is very harmful. Better not to forbid anything unconditionally, and to introduce a rule. Rules do not discuss about them and are not traded.
The child says, "I do not want to go to bed." Go meet his mood: "You do not want to sleep? And you are very upset that we have such a rule? It would be better if such rules were not! Yes, some of the rules can be very nasty ... But I can not help it, it's rule ». Such talk will facilitate all life.
"You know that cars can only be the birthday" - this again exhortation. If your child needs something, do not get involved in the negotiations, did not dispute his words, but put his limitations. And most importantly, do not lecture him, just get him, "Do you really need a machine. You really want her. Now I have no way. But I remember that you need this. »
But do not forget that in addition to the rules, children must be right If the child does not get what he really needs, he will violate your rules, will argue, lie and hide. He will respect your rules if you will respect his motives and right.
Not replace the real world gadzhetamiOsobennost new technologies is that they provide instant feedback. That is, the child is grown on gadgets are not used to the fact that the response to his actions can be delayed, deferred. Another feature: the interaction of physical limitations. With gadgets small hands manipulating bring a huge flow of information. As a result, they do not give the opportunity to study the physical laws of interaction of objects. The third characteristic feature of the new technology:. Emotional relationships in computer games and social networks stubby, given the limited forms
Parents should understand the richness of the real world and its parameters. Recognize any of these parameters in technology cut When you limit the interaction of children with gadgets, fill free time activities in which the child gets what he is not given technology. < Mobile sessions, real action with objects, emotional contact with his mother and father - it is worth paying special attention. In social networks, there is no smell, no touch, no intonation. If you share emotions with the child, to instill in him a taste for the real world, by the time he goes to school, gadgets are limits to it are well known. And he does not want to sit on the phone more than an hour.