Control or trust? Tips legendary child psychologist Julia Gippenreiter

Professor Yuliya Gippenreyter - real gold national child and family psychology. All her life she devoted to the study of the psychology of the child, a teenager, in the conditions of our reality with you. His advice to parents psychologist described in the book series "Communicate with your child: how to" publication Correspondent "Pravmir" interviewed Julia Borisovna devoted to how our "computer age" right to control the child, so as not to give him a "break away from reality" . < Website This is useful publishes an interview.

- One of the most common parenting questions - about internet addiction and gadgets. What should parents do if a child all the time "in the computer" and social networks?

- This is a global issue. The question of civilization. What to do with the fact that the bread became the oven is not in the Russian stove, and buy at the store? What to do with the fact that children now run the store, rather than work in the field? There is a very strong restructuring of the entire life and means of communication.

I do not have a direct answer to the question, so we will meditate together.

What do you want as a parent of your child? What do you adhere to the ideals, standards of his life - the present and the future? Perhaps you want him to communicate with human beings, he led an active social life. The danger that we are now slips technical progress, is that the child is immersed in a virtual life, artificial.

Parents should determine its basic setting for the child

-. What it

? - Acceptable proportion of care in the virtual world. < Computer games - it's completely artificial life Communication through social networks, although more realistic, and may even delay the emotional, but very limited.. It is devoid of such important components as eye contact, tone of voice, purely physical touch gestures. All these inclusions create a special field, the atmosphere of dialogue, they can not replace text only. "E" communication less natural, we can say it - a degenerate form of relationship between people

. Parents are given the vision of the present and future of the child, his will just have to impose restrictions on electronic gadgets, and the sooner the better. We know that chocolate - it tastes good, is good and perfectly acceptable, but one chocolate to feed a child, no one will, as it were, that at the moment this would not

. You must try to use the computer as much as possible constructively, for example, do not get stuck on the cartoons and games, and to acquaint the child with the educational potential of the worldwide web. The possibilities of this are huge! You can with the children by law zone of proximal development to use these features. The child will be interesting to know the translation or interpretation of some words, watch educational films, educational programs - all this is very important

. Renowned physician, teacher and creator of its own system of education Maria Montessori said that parents and teachers is the most important function - enrich the environment. Enriched environment - it's toys, books, fairy tales, myths, in the end, resource people from which you can learn a lot and learn. It can be through the computer to receive a greater volume of different resources. But at the same time you need to increase the time of communication and life in its natural form, with human beings. We civilization pulls in one extreme, then it is necessary to strengthen the other pole!

I think a lot about what the future of psychology. At the time, behaviorists said: "We go into action and will deal with human behavior." One hundred years later, there are questions about the "computer" chat. They put not only the parents but the society, culture, civilization itself. People need contact with each other. However, it became clear that those forms which are now being created, is clearly insufficient, they do not meet essential needs in communication completely. Now psychologists have to say about contacts artificial - and real, computer - and men who understand. It is important to remember that communication in a network - just a stripped-down form of contact, and it is not the most important

- Reader Question: "My daughter is 13 years old. Recently I picked up her phone to the Internet, which was under a password. On my request to open up and let me see, it is very offended. She said it was private, it is unpleasant, and that in my phone it does not climb. And I'm very worried. It's small, communication in social networks may not be safe. "How to control?»

- Mother's Anxiety little late. In 13 years, the children can not confront any way. Parents no longer really have the right to control. Ideally, it would be this: "Yes, I have no right to penetrate to where you do not want. I respect your personal space. And I believe in your intelligence. I can only speak about my anxiety. I hope my faith in you will help reduce my anxiety. " That this kind of conversation I would have led to the girl, and in parallel trying to establish contact with her on other occasions.

The desire to control is often transformed into a denial of human rights and independence. This happens with the children, and husbands and wives. Control leads to the fact that contact with those whom you want to control deteriorates. "Object" control poses an obstacle to you, go to your room, close the door. It is suitable metaphor - a belated control of the mother is similar to what it starts hitting that door When a parent asks, "How to control?", This is equivalent to the question "How do I hitting better so that it the door. nevertheless opened »

-? at the same time network communication, in fact, can be dangerous - people with bad intentions, groups in social networks with poor interests, but in the end, just the criminals ...

- You are describing two extremes: hitting the door - or even turn away and go for a walk and let him live there alone, without me. This is also a false statement of a question like no other, the median, the best ways.

This path - contact with the child Establish it should be as soon as possible, and the older the child becomes -. So be careful to behave in this contact. Not in the sense of control, and in terms of recognition and respect for his needs, its development trends. For this purpose it is necessary to observe the child, and not impose on it too hard, or the requirements of its the people in whose power he falls (for example, kindergarten teacher or a primary school teacher). The world is very different from the rules, norms, beliefs and attitudes, some of them start to mangle the child.

Are you the child's ally, his tendency to growth, development, self-sufficiency, its light, natural energy? How you put a dam in the path of this energy? This "dam" - almost always means uncontrollable breakthrough in any other place

. So do not put the question this way: "I have it in control or or on the freedom of releasing" just be there with your children! Now there is a tendency - to give somewhere: in the garden or in the section, send to the camp, or hire a tutor if a wealthy family. And it's all good! But I need someone who keeps track of personal, emotional well-being of the child. This man and should become a parent!

Trust a child to a parent - this is a very good tip. Trust - an indication that the parent has chosen the right path. The regulatory bodies are never trust, they come to find wrong, and ban

-! Or good cause

? Yes, so, too, are thinking. Take the classic story: a girl in love "not in order". In terms of "good" is controlled, it shall immediately cease to be in love with him. Probably too late! "Good" in the relationship had to be created before, but now it will be the reaction of refusal and resistance, which will only aggravate the situation

-. Trust, contact with a child ... How terrible to lose them as scary to make a mistake!

- You know, Anna, are very good that you have a very small baby, and we meet at this stage of your relationship. It is important that the child had confidence in you, and it needs to be not only the mother of the child, and the child too! Well, if all mothers are responsible mobilize their responsibility to ensure that become a child.

It sounds funny. That daughter slaps in the mud with hands or feet, spank with her, she will be happy - you play along! If she says, "I will not, do not want to", also match with the her! Repeating her wrong actions can stop her, she begins to understand what it looks like, and it may be that she does (in this case, of course, important to avoid mimicry).

As usually happens? The child tries to influence you, and you - a wall. She shouted: "I will not, I will not!" - And really did not always understand what was happening to her. And then she meets this formidable controlling force - will not she trust her? Confidence is when you are flexible in their behavior because a small child himself very plastic. If she cries, then you are saying sympathetically: "You do not want, you are upset" - that it is in you saw the response, the response on himself, his fortune. Or, if it plays into something, then do not ruin the game, do not look at it as an adult.

I told one mother as her son four or five years loved to put a large book house to machine rode - traveled. He sits and repeats: "drives - leaves" - and so for two hours. "I have a growing outrage - says mother - how many can be so idiotic play ?!" Or in another case: tap dripping water, and the child watches worth over this cock - "Mom, look what the droplets, and how they fall!. »

I say so mothers: "Your child is very talented!". Because the when the child plays, he never spends time in vain, that would be about it or thinking adult!



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