Red and Black: we reject each other

Let's talk about a bunch of "idealization-devaluation". This is when the first object to "eroplane", and then, due to certain circumstances, -. In the cesspit


It starts sweet.
We fall in love.
No matter whom in: in a man, a woman, a blogger, or a country restaurant

. Fall in love, we like to sit in front of, and begin to look at the object of adoration wet passionate eyes. We are waiting. We are waiting for the response of passion, we, of course, and yet we expect that it will fit.

From a loved one in this case we are waiting for compliance with the following list:

 - That he always wants to be with us; he always tries to be with us; that it should always be with us; that he will always be with us;

 - That he knows what we think and what we feel. In severe cases, we expect that even he knows what we're doing, but at this moment we are silent on the other side of town or the world;

 - That he always looks, thinks and feels the same way that it will not change and will remain the way we love it. For example, he will always be sick or always healthy; always beautiful and always unfortunate;

 - That he always has something to feed us - in various senses of the word;

 - That he is always happy to us - we are always glad to it! What he will forgive us - we all forgive him, and in general, can not be between lovers accounts;

 - That there is only we - you and I and others should not exist; in the rest of his life should be just pale shadows unrealistic, they can not stop us from being together, to interfere with our communication, such as the influence it and make a difference for him;

 - That it should always be in view for connection in contact; on sms should respond immediately to calls - immediately. If he disappears for a short while, we become like one year old child, whose mother went to the bathroom, shut the door, and maybe it was washed into the space, and it will never come back; we cry, cry, whisper, scratching at the door and Skype, pick out it anywhere, no matter where he hid;

 - That he does not have other equally important segments of life, but to our love affair; his friends, work, children and parents do not matter; and how it can change the slightest opportunity to be with me for a good night's sleep or the gym?

 - That it is a powerful and magical, he knows everything and cope with everything, all understand it is wrong; that he will save us or give us to save him;

 - He is the best, the noblest and most-most; and even if he shows obvious signs of non-compliance to the high rank of the very, very, we know that there, in the depth and heart, he is a knight, a hero and a princess depending on gender.

It seems that if we had the red and black patches. Red - it's love, black - it's anger, aggression, and so it is a human

. In any movement of the loved one we extract from the air red silk rag, whisper, stroking and touches, put in a special box. Look, we show him, no matter what you did, all right, I only red, so beautiful and delicate shreds for you ... They have a whole box

! And the aggression we hide. Behind his back, in a box with black patches. These relations - this is not the sweet cooing doves, and there is anger, and resentment, and anger, and rage. But in this case we do not show them, or show for a second, and then hide again. But the hoard, hoard, "No, I'm not offended, it's OK," "No, I'm not mad at you, you, baby," and adds, folding behind his back, in the "black" box.

But in a relationship should be a place of frustration and aggression, they can and need to learn how to produce small batches, sometimes coming into conflict manageable.

... Be careful not too much enthusiasm in relation to itself on the part of the partner, and vice versa, and in general - enthusiasm and aspiration, there is not a sober view of things; Fear sweetly baby talk and flattery; fear "You're good, I know," "You're the most wonderful," "You are the best"; be afraid "I love you, and you!" Too sweet, happy, heady, perfect. Be careful, when the connection corresponds to the "Bridget Jones Syndrome": 29 smsok per day, each "favorite", and if not, what is the subject of a showdown, sorrow and ogrvyvodov. Following this psevdolyubovyu often sooner or later will come true rage and rejection, if you write just 28. The frustration you do not forgive.

Be careful when they say - you disappoint me (well). It means - it was the charm of great power, and that there was ponapridumyvali about you, God knows

. I have been on different sides of this wonderful story. I was put on a pedestal, and I put. On the pedestal stand is very tiring, I admit to you, no scratch, no tired you have no right. In front of you sits amorous creature, and before him is a box with a red silk rags. You're annoying - it immediately pulled out a red rag and say you're just tired, rest; you get to the empty space, and generally behave like a pig - a red shred lovingly write "baby" and put in a box. The same is done and I am, and I can only sympathize and apologize to those who tired exorbitant listed above expectations.

So in fact just so patiently waiting for and so desperately need, so not all the same, then the same love? - You say

. Yeah, like hell.

Look this idealizers behind.
There is not a box - and yaschische with filthy black rags

. In pusechki kopilos. This pusechka all whips, every word, look and gesture. All that somewhere out there currently writes, before you shake the tenderest red cloth behind hides blasted first disappointment, then hatred and black flap. Your simple "do not want" in response to an invitation for coffee makes them bursts into tears or break off relations, and added, put in a box behind the black rags ... For one moment neprekrasny dump them under foot former favorite.

And when you all obrydnet and no longer have the strength to drag the burden of other people's expectations, or you just have not caught on in time and accidentally screw up ... For example, you do not guess how many times the mood pusechki or hard "does not want to" marry pusechke ... Well, not may or may not want this here: Be with me always beside you; I - it's you, you - it's me; I recognize you from the thousands and other inhuman ... And you - just a man, an ordinary and unexpected truth that suddenly appeared in front of your partner in all disappointing clarity, and then ...

That's when you roll out to present the size of the Sayano-Shushenskaya HPP.

Not, in most cases, intentionally and not specifically. Just in these pusechek polar thinking. Or red, or black. Or do you shit or you're a prince. Hold in the minds of both poles - so learn to be aware of the fact that before you real, very ordinary man, and nothing human is alien to him; to respect its borders and at the same time feel his.

Multi-pin, not polar perception allows us to be tolerant of the shortcomings of others, and to assess the actual relationship soberly. Allows you to keep a continuous communication with loved ones and friends, forgiving them many things, not expecting them to what they can give, and attention - to itself too be treated with patience and not expect from ourselves great things, but just to do that obtained. And this, in turn, allows you to learn to be relaxed and tolerant ...

In the meantime, or red. Or black. You're either in an airplane or in a cesspit.

In these respects you as a partner and as a person, does not mean anything; you do not see and do not know this; do you think in the degree of compliance with the internal unrealistic expectations.

In fact, you - a walking function is to ensure the internal security of the feeling of your partner, and if you do not fulfill this function adequately, you first tortured requirements from the list, and then thrown out

. From these relations always taste lies: still, you lied, smiling, for so long, you admired and swore in love. Did you think that all is well and everything was bad, it was bad for a long time. Here there is an angry, vengeful and vindictive fury, and you will long to do around itself ingratiatingly hand movements:

«All go somewhere, there's nothing left." It can and should be done through a number of small disappointments tolerant of such clients in therapy. Therapist, especially the novice, it is easy to succumb to the adoration and admiration in the eyes of the customer: in fact the therapist figure, and so has a special aura, and if the client is prone to idealization, he least expects to hear from you "do not know" or "do not know" <. br>
Hence there will be a great temptation on the session with the client all the "know and understand" as long as you do not find that in front of you the very exorbitant list, see above. Payment for non-conformity to the ideal image is unexpected, large and sadistic components - as well as in his relations with other people

. It is not possible to talk about injuries, causing the ligament and make us over and over again every idealize our relationship first, and then depreciate. This is the subject of work in therapy, rather than discussions on blogs.

The only thing that I can help you get into this bunch and crumbling one relationship after another: try not to idealize a partner in the beginning of the relationship and not to devalue it, when something does not work. Be gentler and more patient ... and honest with them, and with a partner.

Author: Mikhail E. Litvak


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