Choose a person as if you are blind

This synopsis of audio - books in English Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes' How to love a woman. " The book as a whole and very interesting, but this chapter seemed to me particularly relevant, and it may be useful to many. It translated itself and it is not literal, and not particularly literary translation, though it is quite close to the original text. Thus, the chapter on the quality of people who are able to establish long-term relationships. These qualities only twelve, but they do not have a hierarchy and each of them is equally important.

1. Choose a person as if you are blind.

Close your eyes and feel, what you think about this person. His kindness, loyalty, insight, dedication, about his ability to take care of you and take care of itself, as an independent being. Although the features of our culture affect much and what we see with our external look is very important, much more important than what we see and perceive our inner eye, when our eyes are closed.

2. There is one major difference between a person who is able to become a partner for a long relationship, and those who can be a partner only for a short time.

And this distinctive feature - the ability to learn. There is a Spanish saying that "he who is not able to learn - the most intolerant." Those who can not learn a new look at things, who can not see the familiar in a new light, who are not curious about the world and how it works, to how to construct the people very often closed and said "no, things can only be so or so. " For long-term relationships is best to choose the one who is able to be open. It is not always open, of course. But those who are able and open and close, open and close again, gradually learning and developing.

3. Choose someone who wants to be the same as you:. Both strong and sensitive (soft)

Qualities that are sometimes characteristic of women - it is the strength and fragility. The force which has a tree. It can hit a strong wind, but because of its flexibility, it will move with the wind. If it will not bend, it will break. Sensitivity refers to the ability to be alive and to perceive what is happening around. Some people need a little help with this. But most of all, in the mind, or even somewhere deep down - people are already so - awakened and alive, just their complexity in order to express it. And so again, so important point two - the ability to learn. You can have a great potential to be kind and loving and loyal and generally be a better lover when-or known to man, but if you do not study and do not develop this capacity, then nothing will.

4. Select the person who shows that he is in pain, if you hurt him.

And also vice versa. Choose the person who hurt you, too, sees your pain and regrets. It is very important. There are many ways in which people express their pain - someone withdraws into himself at the slightest problem. Especially extroverts really annoying when their partner is closed in itself, but we must understand that this is just a way of expressing pain and until the person is ready to do something, and gradually withdraw from that state in which the reasonable period of time - it'll be fine
The fact that -This should be a cause for concern is the lack of response, if you acted unkindly or wrong in relation to the partner. This means that either something wrong with the functions of the senses that man or that he had refused to you and put an end to your relationship and that he no longer allows himself to be alive and present in your presence. From - due to the fact that many of us go through different relationships until we find someone with whom you want to be the end of life - many of us are already traumatized by previous relationships that begin with high expectations and ends in disappointment
So it is very likely to meet someone who is already traumatized by the previous negative experience in relations to some extent. And because this is so important the ability to show their pain and ability to feel the pain of others. The nature of the relationship can not do without periods when people create tension or even hurt each other. This can not be completely avoided. But it should not be permanent attacks on the same sore spot again and again. In previous relationships, people sometimes accumulate a lot of anger, which did not have the opportunity to express their needs and sometimes injure or hurt the new partner can be increased. But they should be able to stop themselves when they see that it hurts the other person.

5. Choose someone who has his own inner life.

It does not matter that it -rezba wood, herbaria, writing, religion, meditation or -What they enjoy doing. Choose who goes his own way and sees you as a partner and companion on this journey. These people have the ability to communicate with others, but remain separate, and this is a very important quality. Relationships have their own cycles and rhythms in a relationship there are times when you need to connect to another in one piece, and there is a time when you need to be away from each other, and the relationship that exists between you can stretch over time and at any distance, but it should not be destroyed completely. Such relationships - suitable. The relationship, in which the bond breaks in any case, or where there is no connection and coincidence rhythms - this is not something to aspire to

. 6. Choose someone who shares your passion.

Relationship to create shared memories. It's like a savings account. -What Do you do that together, it is stored in your memory and becomes the glue that connects you. You pull these memories in order to remember the happy moments. And if you do not have such good memories - it will be very hard together through difficult times. Of course, all relationships are built on mutual support, but each still solves the problem in his own world, so it is necessary to have some very simple general sessions and it should be something more than the joint brushing your teeth in the morning.
< br> 7. Choose someone who shares your values.

With regard to children, the number of members of the family, gender roles, money, religion, etc. and etc. As you know - it is in the ideal case. In reality, whether people are unlikely to be identical for all items completely. Not always and not at all, and certainly not at the very beginning of the relationship. But it is always possible to see the development of relations in which direction. Shared values ​​make it possible to reduce the stress that occurs during the development of relations. And the question of shared values, it is desirable to discuss before they enter into a long term relationship. While we certainly want the magic emotions of relationships, filled with romance and eroticism, we must approach them and pragmatichno.S more pragmatic approach is much easier to survive the difficult moments.

8. Choose someone who is able to sympathize.

Someone who is willing and able to listen. Someone who is ready to equally spend their time on you. Especially if you are easily excitable person, and your partner is not as excitable as you, then you will be transferred gradually its quiet rhythm, and you do it will benefit. Similarly, on the contrary relaxed partner when interacting with a faster and will accelerate at some point and this will lead to the establishment of communal harmony and rhythm between the two of. According to observations of the author of this rhythm within a pair of aligned after about 9 years of marriage. In all takes time.

9. Choose someone who can laugh at themselves.

Value is not only that the partner could laugh at themselves. But in fact, that you can do is laugh at or above a -That joke even at the time of the dispute flushed during the conflict. The importance here is the interaction and how exactly do you feel close to someone, even during a quarrel. Being able to laugh at themselves at this moment - a real gift

. But even if for example your partner is not very fond of joking, then pay attention to how much he is able to stop the heated argument in the most difficult moment. It takes practice, because each of us has something that at the time the dispute is striving to reduce all relationships to naught, and we must be able to resist. This is a very important skill. And well, if your partner has this quality. If not - then go back to step 2 (ability to learn). And you ought to also be able to stop yourself in the hottest time of the dispute, apologize or say to yourself, "Well, suppose I was wrong, but apologize later when calm down." You yourself must also be able to it.

10. The ability to "obmёtyvat" some flaws and characteristics.

Those qualities (minor flaws), that once we have brought in a partner, and later become the most annoying for us. Remembering the first marriage, Dr. Estes tells that her ex-husband had the habit of rattling small change in your pocket, which she seemed simply charming, but two years later, this same habit lost all charm and has become associated with a bell around the neck of the cow)

So you know in advance what you will accept and what not. And do not let yourself be seduced by the idea that what seems to be an irritant to others is really cute just because he or she has this habit.

If this is the grand kakaya- annoying habit or a serious fault, should not deceive ourselves - it never will be nice. For example, it is absolutely intolerable for any relationship whether it be a marriage or partnership in the business are alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, illegal activity and anything that takes man from himself, from the life of his soul. A person who is not able to speak the truth, repent, the man who can not admit his mistake and instead tries to disguise its kakim- very artful way or hide - puts the relationship on a very shaky ground

. 11. You should not just love one another, but to be friends.

It appears that if you want to do for your partner, then what you are doing for your friend - that is, if you want to sit and listen to him, are you ready to talk about what he wants to talk, to do what he wants to do . This does not mean that you should completely meet all his requirements and needs. Of course they should not. But on a regular basis and to a greater or lesser extent - yes, definitely. And when you think about what you're willing to do for their friends and how much you are willing to do for a loved one - it clarifies a lot

. 12. Perhaps the most important quality that logically follows from the previous ones. Make sure that the one you choose - make your life more, not less (better, not worse). This will tell you everything you need to know.


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