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As I became selfish and started to live
«live for themselves" - a frightening many phrase. The consequences are well known: vice, depravity and degradation. And somewhere out there, right on the slippery slope ... But once I admitted to myself that my life does not belong to me often. As there are so many "necessary" so little "want". A sense of duty lay on my dreams and plans of a stone slab, and I tried to give her the tablets.
So I decided - enough Tired to turn his soul and life in the radioactive waste dump!. Tired though timid petitioner, shuffling his foot, to explain how I dared to put their own interests above the interests of others. It's time to live for themselves. Choose happiness rather than gnashing of teeth and self-hypnosis. Live on love and not on demand.
Thus began my outrage, antisocial year in a healthy ego mode. "Healthy" or better "reasonable" - a saving clause, by which others do not immediately recognize in me a renegade and a disturber of the order of things. Indeed, many believe the first ten GNAWED iron loaves stopchi ten iron shoes, bread dashing, and then, if you have enough strength and health, please - live for themselves
. But I started without delay.
One is the beginning it was scary. Ideologically, I was not shod, and all was held on the vague, but the firm belief that it would be better. It was as if I leave in a single circumnavigation on an inflatable banana. I do not know if my own siding stand ninth wave of "shoulds", someone's expectations and projections. To become an outcast, pasted the label of "selfish", even reasonable, did not want to. But I knew for me it is the only path to freedom.
My plan was for others the attraction of unprecedented brashness. For I came out of the game, which is forbidden to challenge the right to life of its own
From vests -. In the suit first thing I decided to solemnly turn off the tap from which flowed into my life complaints, lamentations, dreary monologues and hate tirades. I love my family, love friends, colleagues appreciate and respect the elderly neighbors. But this does not mean that their hours of confession in the style of "how terrible to live", "all in the shit, and I'm in a white tuxedo" or "Imagine this bastard I never called back" should be part of my life. < I took off with my door sign "energy donor. The reception around the clock. " And it was an act of civil disobedience
When I gently but firmly interrupted attempts decadent outpourings of words: "I think this topic is not pleasant to you or me. And tell better about ... "I have a heart-stopping horror. I thought, and now will fall insults and accusations of spiritual callousness. But, surprisingly, my willingness to listen was a good signal is good to remember, and to start talking about it. And most importantly, it has freed me from the very habit of complaining and whining. After all, refusing to listen to the gloomy stories, I got sick and most such stories to write and talk.
Yes, I tell you "no" Then there was the most difficult. Start using unethical, inappropriate word "no." I usually agree to any more or less tearful request. Shyness, fear of offending backed up, spit me somehow. It was embarrassing to destroy an image that I created in the eyes of others. And I fought in the snare, which is and has placed itself. But as soon as the first serious "no" fly off the language, I did not stop. Friends were shocked as if I had swallowed a live rabbit in front of them.
Dream to live on a "drama club, photo club, but I also sing the hunt", but in reality all the free time I worked on a voluntary-basis limp. Is replaced by the deputies, a substitute changers, drove to the shops of someone's relatives in Ukhta, I sat with the children of their friends idle until they marinate spas, walking her fig-trees, and watered the dog. < From errand boy can easily be promoted to a slave in the galleys. But I said this attractive career "no»
Over time I have learned to separate the wheat from the chaff, and often, and spitting. Understand where the request for assistance - is real, and where - a routine and household parasitism. Fair "no" was for me a steel frame, which is not allowed to sag, mumble and forget about yourself.
All free! The statement "no one should be anything to anyone," sounds good, but in practice it is hardly feasible. Abandon the role of perpetual debtor obliged to concede and to please, it was not as difficult as most request and stop encroaching on the free will of others. Almost like Pelevin, I was ready to carry a safety pin and prick yourself every time began to command someone's life, thinking that I know something better.
In debt were my relationships. They languished from mutual "I told you everything, and you tell me nothing." For expectations and requirements may bleed, and love, and friendship
Now, as soon as the creeping resentment that someone did not care, did not pay attention, not complied with the request, but such as it should, I whisper, like a mantra: "All are free!»
Communications, and not a chain desire recognition and fear of rejection - a piece insidious. All my life I have overgrown familiar, as if in fear of colds sketched on one quilt at a time. And at some point, I felt that I could hardly breathe. They choked me, are not allowed to move from the spot, lulled, euthanized. Yes, and how to reset them, because they are so warm and lovely. But reasonable egoist is not afraid of being socially naked, not hiding from life behind numerous poludruzey and nurses, relatives. And to the question "How do you VKontakte friends?" He calmly replies. "Two" Become the best friend to yourself, be yourself interesting, necessary, inspiring. After all, in fact, we are all alone. But worst of all, when you do not even you yourself
space for personal Honestly, since his "ego-centric" year, I was preparing to splendid isolation in the network and in real life. Scornful hiss "egoisssstka" as a Geiger counter, designated the area contaminated misunderstanding. I moved away from it all on, and the usual life seemed uninhabited and spacious. But nature abhors a vacuum. Very soon my microcosm filled with things and people that I am happy to start giving so hard reclaimed itself.
Time saved by mediocre vampiric responsibilities and relationships, it is not a pity for those who are truly necessary. And it's not a pose, and not charity. This is also selfishness. < After all, I do it primarily for themselves and their soul. I suspect that a reasonable selfish transformed over time into rational humanist. I myself only at the beginning of this evolution, but the tail has fallen off.
Veronica Isayev specifically for the Website
Photos on the preview: Dmitry Zelinskiy
via unsplash.com/zelindm
