5 reasons why you can not communicate with their parents Bashny.Net

Last time I heard my mother's voice when she scolded me through the answering machine. Until then, I had not heard it for a few months - it was my third or fourth attempt to stop to talk with my mother, and I learned not to listen to her voice messages insulting, do not read and do not open her letters. To destroy my day, it was enough just to hear her muffled excited voice on the answering machine. But it also helped me to finally make sure that does not speak to my mother - it's still the right decision

. If you are reading this, then you know for sure that not communicate with their parents or any other family members may be the right choice for you. Maybe you simply avoid contact, maybe you stop to talk to them just yesterday.

And, maybe, you become closer and closer to the idea of ​​limiting contact with a family member who manipulates, blames, in other words, causes emotional damage to your life, which without it would be better. It does not matter at what stage you are, you've already got enough feedback from both parents and from the world at large on what they think about your decision to suspend contacts. Perhaps, friends and acquaintances have also told you that you are selfish and think only about themselves and that parents do not deserve such treatment.




If you google the phrase "not to communicate with parents", then most likely, you will find stories that tell anything about the calm parents who are confused why with them suddenly stopped talking, or find resources that are intended to cause feelings of guilt and shame those who decided to stop communicating with their loved ones. In general, in a particular case, the children are called self-centered and selfish. However, the essence of the problem is not change. And if you decide not to communicate with family members, it is likely that this step was not easy, and perhaps a sense of struggle and pressure you experience every day. But once you have decided to do just that, you should not blame yourself for this. And there are 5 reasons at least.

1. You do what is right for you.

I have every reason to believe that you did not come to this decision lightly. We live in a world in which, at times, very difficult to cut off the relationship with a family member, especially a parent. So, in fact, this move means that your relationship with your parents were so toxic that you simply had no other choice. Of course, some people will not be able to believe it. They can not even imagine something like that, that can cause total failure to communicate with a family member.

But it normal. Your life is not limited to the fact that friends, colleagues or other family members can imagine. Your choice should not be "suitable" for a neighbor, best friend. Your choice should be just right for you. Only you know exactly what it is to communicate with the person who hurt you, put labels or blames only you know the value of this relationship, and so you are the only, whose experience is important in deciding what to do.

2. You are not alone. Just remember that you are not alone.

It might seem that this problem is only one you have, but it is not. Google will help identify the material on the parent with whom the children have ceased to communicate, the Internet is teeming with the communities in which is full support for people suffering from the toxic relationship with their parents. Especially for people who are completely broke contact.

In such communities, people are divided soperezhevaniyami and it is really a godsend, because now I definitely do not regret anything. And I understand that my decision was correct.

On this subject, written numerous books (eg, Mothers Who Can not Love by Susan Forward), and it has helped me in my decision.

There are also tons of personal essays about alienation from their parents, they can help you feel accepted and not alone. Here is a quote one girl who described her life in the family and in the end decided not to have contact with their parents: "It's okay - to leave the family. Society tells us that the family is the number one in our lives. Parents come in the first place ... They would do anything for you, and you would do anything for them. But this is not always the case, because they are just people who are not infallible, they are not perfect, they can be bad, and even violent, toxic, despite the fact that it's your blood. And it is normal to get up and leave the family in which you uncomfortable. It's okay. "

3. You - the only one who knows what happened (or is happening) you

. Emotional and manipulating parents often force children to doubt their reality and experience. Everyone in my childhood was full of cases that can now be treated as a problematic behavior of parents "as if something happens." And it's not that "they did everything they could," and that traumatized us the events that have not happened, but "God forbid, that happened to you so!"

But in fact a tool of emotional control that supposedly warns us of an event called "gazlaytingom". And people, which over the years affected by this method, now do not communicate with their parents, but still sometimes can not distinguish real events from far-fetched.

In my life, my mother and I - were the only people in our house, and my every word said against her mother, led to conflict. But my mother was not limited to a simple discussion of the problem, she told me that I have a very short memory, I'm all messed up, forgotten, deceived ... And as a result in the 33 years I can hardly trust myself - from where left the keys until such time as the interaction with other people.

Of course, not all children who have suffered from toxic parents were exposed gazlaytingu. But many were. Your parents may have been doing it on purpose, or they may have used this method because they had mental health problems, or other problems that kept them from being able to empathize with you and see the future of your development without their participation. < br>
However, your feelings are real. And just because your parents claim that they "did the best we could," does not mean that this is indeed the case - and even if they did their best, does not mean that you have to be emotionally attached to them until the end his days. You know best how your relationship with your parents influence and affect your present and future.

4. You have to find your personal

support system "If you push your family, then no one will ever love and support you." This idea is a common threat and is widely used for children who are trying to cut back on contacts, but this is the real error. Because the gap with toxic parents (and non-poisonous / toxic love that they offer) can give you access to a life in which you will be able to take a real love and support, perhaps for the first time.

In my own life love mother held me by the throat; she regularly did all it could to sabotage my friendships, love and professional relationships. Despite her threat, that no one will ever care for me but her, I still took a chance and began to build a life alone. And it allowed me to find real friends and truly loving man.

Your new support system can be any: they are friends, partner, people online or in real life, a psychologist or a psychotherapist - until they all help you. By the way, a good therapist is trained to understand such things about human relationships that are difficult to understand for ordinary people. And remember: you're not crazy to feel the way you feel, and certainly there is someone who will be able to understand it

. 5. You will be able to talk once

There is good news - your parents may want to change your relationship! Hooray!

And the bad news: you initiate the contact, because the miss, but every once in a dialogue that will open the wound, which brought so much pain and escape from it can only be broken off relations again). But not the fact that you do not need to communicate with their parents until the end of life.

You can use this time out to calm down, come down. But it is also worth bearing in mind that if you initiate the contact, you can once again regret it. The desire to communicate with parents is a natural desire, do not blame yourself if it makes you desire to do what is ultimately bad for you.

Although I spent almost 10 years, I hold an MA in the distance, I regularly re-initiating contact with her - because I worry about her health, because sometimes I feel lonely because I wanted to see our common dog with which I grew up. And yes, the situation went out of control almost immediately each time, and I am sorry that once again attempted to return everything. But we should easily take themselves and their desires, especially when there are things of that nature. It's not your fault that you want to be happy, but go back to where we started.

So remember that you are not alone. No one, even if it is the people who gave you life, are not entitled to your time and energy if they are causing you pain.

Author: Gabrielle Moss, translation Tatiana Eryomina