site publishes important and very useful, in our view, the text of Michael Labkovsky practicing psychologist and columnist. Personality issues raised by the author, unfortunately, very common in our vremya.Sovet "only do what I want," our citizens are perceived as a call to anarchy. His greatest desire, they will certainly find lowlands, vicious, dangerous to others. People believe that they are secret and bespredelschik simply afraid to let yourself go! I see this as a serious symptom of universal neurosis.
Says the man: do what you want! And he said: Well, thank you! Is it so you can ?!
The answer is: if you consider yourself a good person, yes. You can and should. < good man desires coincide with the interests of others.
Six rules to help not just one of dozens of people to get out of neurosis - the result of 30 years of practice. This does not mean that I thought over them for 30 years. Rather, once they spontaneously lined up as the periodic table of Mendeleev's mind when he woke up.
The rules are simple at first glance:
Do only what you want. Do not do what you do not want to do. Just say you do not like. Do not answer, do not ask when. Answer only the question. Find out the relationship, only talk about themselves. I explain how they work. Every neurotic as a child gets into his life a stimulus, and not even one. Since this is annoyingly repetitive stimulus child's mind develops the same stereotypical reactions to it. For example, parents yelling - the child gets scared and goes to, and since they are constantly screaming, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It is growing, and the behavior continues to be secured. Stimulus - reaction, stimulus - response. So it goes year after year. In the brain during this period form strong neural connections, called reflex arc - arrayed in a certain way the nerve cells that make the usual way to respond to any similar stimulus. (And if the child was beaten or even abandoned? Can you imagine what his reaction produced a living?)
So, to help a person overcome fear, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem - the arc to break. Create a new connection, a new procedure for them. And there's only one way to do it "without the use of lobotomy": using actions, unusual for the neurotic.
He needs to start to act differently, to break their behavioral patterns. When there are clear instructions on how to behave in any given situation - change easier. Without thinking, without refleksiruya without referring to his own (negative) experience. For life in general it does not matter what you think - it only matters that you feel and what you are doing.
My rules offer a way of behavior, it is unusual for neurotics and, on the other hand, characteristic of mentally healthy people: calm, independent, with a high self-esteem, those that love themselves.
The most resistance, a lot of questions, doubts and accusations in my address is the first point. They tell me: what's this? "Love yourself, sneeze at all, and in life is waiting for you success"? Although about "spit at all," I never say never.
For some reason all stubbornly believe that to live as you like yourself - is to live at the expense of others. In addition, in our society there is an contempt for their own, as if they have to be low-lying. And vicious. I would say that our citizens take their desires with caution or even fear. The concept is this: "I will just give! I uuuh! Well then I will not stop! (Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, or like "I've decided to do all!" And "The anger I feared!)" If it's true what he wants, what kind of man is this? Then he usually admits that he needs a steady hand, strong bridle, and more. In my opinion, this is called a slave psychology.
There is another concept. My mother loved shouting after (perhaps his father) was: «You can not live the way you want!» And what is worse, she spoke about those who live and (perhaps about his father). Grandmother was saying: "It is not for the joy of living, and for conscience ', and the whole family was a sign: if today we laugh a lot, so tomorrow we will cry. The result - a person with a panic mentality organically can not do what he wants. Even determine what it wants to - can not. He seemed to be pre-fault and I am sure that in desiring to come and pay so proactively to behave "as it is necessary».
And "do what you want" is often confused with "to be selfish». But there is a big difference! Egoist does not take itself and can not calm down. He is absolutely obsessed with themselves, their inner feelings and problems, chief among them - a sense of resentment. He can not help you, or do not sympathize because this is bad, but because he does not have mental strength. After all, he himself with violent, exciting relationship. And everyone seems to be that he insensitive, callous, cold, he does not care at all, and at this time he thinks it's just him nobody cares! And he continues to accumulate resentment.
And who is the man who loves himself? This is, who always chooses the work to which his soul is. And when it is necessary to decide what to do, he may pretend - that effectively, it is reasonable, as a sense of duty calls, and then do as he wants. Even if you lose money on it. And a lot of what he may lose. But whom he thus offended? He is fine. He lives among those he loves, he works, where like ... He is with all treaties and harmoniously, and is therefore kind to others and open to the world. And he respects other people's desires as well as their respect.
And by the way, that's why he does not have the internal conflict, which is characteristic of neurotics, living a double life. For example, my wife and I - out of a sense of duty, and with his mistress out of sheer. And then he buys his wife a gift because "as necessary" and not because he wants to please her. Or go to work because he likes what he does, not because he has a loan and he hopes for another five years in this office to suffer hell. Here it is - the duality!
Wanting to achieve results, many consider it their duty to fight with them, suppress emotions, to say: nothing, get used to it! The result is achieved without struggle and self-transcendence, they probably are not happy. Here's an example of a universal struggle: on the one hand, she wants to eat, and on the other - to lose weight. And even if you lose weight - lose. She is herself a loser because still dreaming of cake, especially closer to the hour of the night. (On the relationship between obesity, overeating and neuroses of all colors, we'll talk. But communication - direct).
Well, that's about what I tell my clients when explaining the first and probably the most important of my six rules. Which, by the way, I do try to live. And I will not pretend that I was given it is easy. In order to "live as you want," first requires a lot of effort. Mind habitually leads you along the path of compromise and fear, and you catch yourself by the hand and say: damn, what am I doing? I do not want it! And so many times, after which it becomes easier and easier to make decisions. In its favor, but not at the expense of someone else. I know that the person I was - well, hence my desire not to create problems to anyone.
And frankly, it becomes easier and easier to live. Moreover, the work-out, after some time, you no longer can be different. Sometimes I think, and "reasonable to do," but contrary to the wishes and the will, and the body has resisted. As long as not to abandon what really do not want to, but it seems necessary. And there comes joy. However, I have so recently lost a decent income, but income is better than health and joy.