As I did not want to be a father

photographer Phillip Toledano became a father for the first time when he was forty years old.

Let's face it: the children were neither the dream of his life, not the main goal. He frankly admits that it is hard going through those moments when they come to visit friends with children.

So Phillip experienced mixed feelings when the lights came on his own daughter, Lulu. He overcame a difficult way from the fear of the little man to unconditional all-consuming love.

And it took a very candid photo project.

When you have a girlfriend, everyone is asking, "When are you getting married?" And then you get married. Now everyone is asking: "When you have forged a child?". And there is a child. And once again ask: "When you are planning a second?»





I was in the delivery room and saw Lulu was born. I experienced a strange feeling: I became a father? Cover with whether I was at that moment a wave of love? I'm not sure.





To the question "Do I like to be a father" surrounding expecting only one answer. When I said "no," they complained puckered.





When Lulu was born, my wife Carla disappeared.





I've missed us. As the two of us. By our silence and our space.





I replace me here on this alien.



Quiet sleep for the next three years, too, was canceled.





All that makes Lulu was absolutely incomprehensible. As in a documentary about wildlife.





I was very happy when I heard for the first time as Lulu sneezes. Though something human in it is!





Even our dog did not show any interest in her. Except when Lulu eat. This process is simply mesmerizing.





She is hungry or wet? She is cold or hot? Communication with Lulu was like handling unstable explosives. Lulu seasick on hand, I slowly and carefully shift it in the crib. The slightest wrong move and ... BOOM! Creek. Creek, which drove me crazy.





I made a plate with a picture of Lulu. And showing them to friends in response to a request to show pictures of the baby. I thought it was funny. Charles did not appreciate.





Worse baby crying was only his expectation. Especially when you're lying in bed at 2am.





And all these bottles, Heaters and sterilizers, you need to take with you everywhere. After all, the mall is full of germs.



Why buy so many children is unthinkable bright toys? When a person is only 5 months old, does it not be everything interesting? Even a simple stick or bucket, for example. Parents are willing to buy anything, as long as their child slept stronger and less shouting.





When Lulu turns twenty, I will have sixty. Will it take me old? Or will we be friends?





What a pity that parents died before birth Lulu. The appearance of Lulu made them no more tangible. I would like a lot to ask my mom. Was I the same as an infant?





It's a bit sad, but I'm getting to average father. I never intended to take pictures of children. But now, when they met with friends the first thing I pull out my iPhone, "I know you do not like photos of children, but Lulu other».





Looking back, I see those extraordinary metamorphosis that occurred to me. From a detached observer, I became an active participant. From the pictures I turned to my father.





Humor - this is what brings people together. This language I understand. Once Lulu spoke on it. I teased her, and she teased me back. I cried. We understood each other.





It's amazing. In these pictures so much love, as never happened before.



What a pity that my parents have not had a chance to meet with her granddaughter. Mom, Dad, I really miss you. And often I tell you about Lulu. I think a lot of what you gave me, and I hope that I can give as much as his daughter.



I want to apologize to Carla. I know it was not easy to take my frankness.



I want to apologize to Lulu. One day she will see these pictures and read these words.

I want her to know I'm so glad that I have it. I love you very much, Lulu.

See also:
The day I no longer rush

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