765
Why not suicide go to heaven
Do you know why the suicide did not go to heaven? No, not because he was deprived of his own life, God has given them.
They are being punished for someone else's life ... Life of loved ones. For causing them grief ...
How much time has passed since that day, I do not remember. Time for me to no longer exists. Here it is not ...
I thought the reasons that made it compelling. It seemed to me that this is the only way out. But now I realize that simply did not try to find other ways.
I did as it was easier to just ... easier for me ...
Now, something you can not change. One flick of the chance I deprived of happiness not only themselves, but also those whose love I have not been able to estimate the time.
And now I have no excuse ...
Last I heard, - a piercing scream. Whose? I do not know. Yet there was a sense of flight. But such short that it is almost impossible to catch ...
Nothing more ...
A flash of light ... In the distance the lights of the night flashed houses. From them hurts your eyes.
I come into itself. She tried to get up - unbearable pain throughout the body. Barely suppressing a cry, yet I get up.
I looked around. I do not understand! Where I am?! After a couple of steps, I realize, "This is the park. But I immediately turned ??? »
I could not understand anything. The whole day seemed fell from memory. I do not remember absolutely nothing.
Going down the alley, I notice that all around there is no passer-by. I wonder what time it is? I do not remember that the park was empty.
Suddenly behind, I heard a rustling. Turning around, I see a little crispy on the bench boy about five years old. Strange. I'll bet that it just was not there. For a moment I was waiting for, not whether there will be followed by at least someone from the adults. It can not be a child so late. But nothing happened.
Then I carefully went over and sat down beside him.
- Hi baby. You are lost? - I asked quietly.
- No, - I replied the boy, not even looking at me.
- Where are your parents? Why are you alone?
- I waited for you, - he said, and looked up at me big brown eyes.
The answer surprised me a little, but I did not attach any importance. You never know what can
tell the children?
- What's your name?
- I do not know.
- But mum as you once called? - I said absently.
- Nothing. I do not, - replied sadly kid.
There was a pause. I did not know what to do next. Leave the child in such a late hour, I could not.
- I want you to show something - suddenly the boy said, and jumped off the bench.
I took his hand, and we went to the park. Some time later, we were near my house.
- Do you live here? - Again I ask the kid.
- No.
- And where? - I sat down in front of him on his heels. - Where do we go?
- For nothing, - he said, fingering toy car.
I wanted to ask something else, but at that moment there was a piercing scream. I looked in the direction from which he came.
Screaming woman. She was in the company of young people. On her face frozen horror. She pointed somewhere upstairs, trying to say something.
Followed her gesture, I froze: in a light passage window on the eighth floor was a girl. After a moment, she took a step.
My heart went cold. Around immediately raised vanity: who yelled to summon an ambulance, who rushed to provide first aid. And I could not look away from the window.
At that moment I felt that I did not hear anything but frenzied beating of his own heart ... and did not see anything ... except for the light from the window of an apartment on the eighth floor of my apartment ... ...
Every minute, every second of the evening was for me a never-ending nightmare, a memory which is not erased in any way.
The bloody body of his father in his arms ... my mother and sister in tears ... a deafening siren ambulance ...
I ran down the street away from his home. Tears rolling down her cheeks. Raging winds mercilessly hit in the face.
From exhaustion, falling on the cold ground. Gasping for breath, tears wash his hand.
Suddenly, I notice a number of the same boy ... boy ...
- What's going on? - I asked in a hoarse voice
- Do not you understand? - Naive kid says.
Shake my head: I do not want to understand!
- You died.
- What?! - It becomes even harder to breathe - That's not true !!! You're lying !!! It does not happen ... Do you hear ?! There are no !!!
Breaks down to cry, I want to escape. But the question behind forces to stop.
- Is not that what you wanted? Do not you for it committed suicide?
The head strikes a sharp pain, and before the eyes sweep past Pictures of the day: school, klassuha screaming, mocking looks classmates scandal with his mother, tears ... ledge and blinding lights of the city at night ...
- Why ...
- Why are you here? What are you waiting for? - Laughing boy.
- I do not know ... I thought it was no longer in pain ... I wanted to end this nightmare ...
- You are mistaken.
- But why?! Did not I suffered enough ?! Why me ?!
- For what? - He asks - Good. I'll show you.
We walk in silence for some street. Soon, we face a gray building. This is a hospital.
- Why are we here?
- That's right. Come on.
We enter and climb to the second floor. Above the entrance weighing plate "Resuscitation department».
Next brightly lit corridor. White door with room number. Near one of these doors sitting father, his head in his hands. He cries.
I only once saw my father cry. Then killed his best friend. It was painful to see him so. And now? Now the cause of his tears was me.
The next moment, a man stepped out of the room in a white coat. Dad got up to meet him and something quietly asked. In response, he shook his head:
- We can not do anything. Her brain is dead. You still decide whether to turn off the system or not.
Father sank back into his chair. His face was pale as chalk.
- Lord !!! For what?! - A corridor filled with tears.
- Come on, - said the doctor quietly. - You need to calm down.
He was taken away it. As the tears rolled down my cheeks. The chest pain was unbearable. I wanted to go after them, but the kid stopped me:
- We are here.
He brought me into the chamber.
I lay on the bed. Nearby sat mother and sister.
I stayed with them until the morning ... At 10:15 it was all over ... my heart stopped ... forever ...
The funeral was at the new cemetery. We stood on the side of the whole procession. Cool autumn wind hit in the face. As the body ran goose.
I looked around the vacant lot. No one, even the smallest, trees. Everything was dead.
Coming closer to the place, I examined the crowd Alyosha.
- What's he doing here? - I asked in disbelief.
- He came to say goodbye to you, - he said.
- But why? Why is he here ??
- Because you it was a way ...
-What?! No! You're wrong.
- Why? - Naively asked the kid.
- Because he said to me I never came! Because I do not like him ...
- This is not true. Man is not always able to understand the other person. Here you are mistaken.
You're afraid to talk to him. And why do you think that he is not afraid? You pretended not to notice it. So how could he know that you like? His frightened that you laugh at his feelings.
- It's not fair! I do not know ... - I sat down on the cold ground.
Wind has mercilessly slashed across the face. I looked at Alyosha, who stood quietly, surrounded by people. They all came to say goodbye to me. Now all of them were bad.
I read on your face Aleshki sadness, infinite pain.
- Leszek, darling ... - I whispered softly. - Why is everything so ...
Another gust of wind, at this point he turned in my direction. For a moment it seemed to me that he was looking directly at me, into my eyes ... eyes full of despair ...
He fell to his knees beside the grave and tears ran down his cheeks.
- I will have my revenge.
Whisper a prayer in stone walls, razor-thin veins ...
Dead leaves gently lay at his feet. Strangely, only now the beginning of autumn, and the leaves were somehow some black and a completely lifeless. They were lying dead at his feet.
Suddenly a voice somewhere near my attention. On the benches of the playground was a party of young people. I walked into the shade of a tall tree, but knew me and without it no one will see.
He's sitting pretty in the company of drunken friends. Although the few of them left behind: in a hand a half-empty bottle of vodka.
Brightly colored youngster hung around his neck, something squeaky lisping.
- Fuck off - roughly throws it in her face.
- There! Kid angry! - She does not seem out of cunning - Kid does not want to have fun ???
- Ote ** Camping, I said! - Man growled and forcefully pushed myself youngster. She screeched jumped off the bench:
- You're oh ** l !!!
The company rolled drunken laughter. Only his face was gloomy expression.
Direct features beautiful face ... Brown bleary eyes at one point ... and a bottle of vodka, clenched in his hand.
- Hey, Little! - That was his name all around. Only for me it was just Alyoshka. The most beloved and relatives. - What are you doing? Stoned eh?
Buddy clapped him on the shoulder. Small took a sip and said nothing.
- Yes, you leave it! - Said Oleg. - Can not you see our Small disheartened!
- This is it because of the gray mouse suffers - sarcastically hissed and girl clung to Oleg.
- What? - I did not understand the guy sitting next to Small.
- The one that siganula window.
- Drive! - He guffawed. - Mal, you Che? True?
- Shut up - Small croaked.
- What? You're with me because of this bitch like that ?! Small, do not drive!
- It's all because of you! You brought it!
He hit the first, a fight broke out ... Someone took out a knife ... But he did not give up ...
After a few minutes, he slowly fell on the cold ground covered with dead leaves.
Running up to him, I fell to my knees.
- No ... God ... what have you done ...
I tried in vain to close the hand wound near the heart. What can a ghost? Nothing.
- My God !!! - Screams reflected from the dark sky. - Leave him life ...
I looked into his eyes. Such clear eyes I did not see anybody. And then at the cemetery, he is now looking at me. And now he saw me.
- Alyosha ... - I whispered. - Hold on, I beg you! You must live ...
With his eyelashes fell crystal teardrop.
- I'm sorry - he whispered almost inaudibly. There was no longer a word.
No one came, did not save him. God I no longer heard.
As night began to become gray and the first rays of dawn colorless, I was approached by the same kid.
- Let's go to. It's time.
- No. I will not leave him.
- You can not stay. Come on.
After a while we heard somewhere behind her screams. Apparently the first passers-by found him. Lifeless body on the cold ground.
Him whom I so loved. Who I'd never see. Whose death - my fault ...
It has been probably already or one month, or maybe even a year.
I often go home. Mom. A long time sitting in the corner of the kitchen and see how she was crying in the darkness.
As long as no one sees.
She's very old. And his eyes became so sad, they recited fatigue. From tears of grief ...
But she still keeps. For the sake of her sister. It happens all day Katya, helping with the children. And then comes home and crying every night ....
And the pope is no more ... He did not cope with the pain. He began to drink a lot, a lot.
He blamed my mother that she was very strict with me. They began to quarrel constantly, then he got drunk, got into the car and drove aimlessly. One day he did not come back.
There was ice. The car skidded and he lost control. Started out into the oncoming lane, he crashed into a truck. Death was instantaneous.
After that, my mother was admitted to hospital with a heart attack.
The kid does not return. He was taken ...
One day he came and said that it's time to say goodbye. Soon he will give life.
And he can not be with me.
Now I know his name ... Vlad ... Once upon a time I dreamed that I had a baby boy ... ... and his name will be required to Vlad. Little curly little boy with huge brown little eyes ...
Silent walk through the gray city. Around one.
Sometimes pop up pictures of my life. They are like black and white movies. Then I did not know that it was me, did not see those happy moments.
I long for colors. In the clear blue sky ... in spring flocks of birds ... in fluffy snow ... New Year around, I lost ...
I miss the smile mother ... In her maternal love ... I miss my sister ... I sometimes see it ... see how to grow her daughter, little, restless ... I wish I could be with them next.
How would like to return to his father and Alyosha ... But I can not ... No ... I can not blame these deaths and I can not do this ...
-
They are being punished for someone else's life ... Life of loved ones. For causing them grief ...
How much time has passed since that day, I do not remember. Time for me to no longer exists. Here it is not ...
I thought the reasons that made it compelling. It seemed to me that this is the only way out. But now I realize that simply did not try to find other ways.
I did as it was easier to just ... easier for me ...
Now, something you can not change. One flick of the chance I deprived of happiness not only themselves, but also those whose love I have not been able to estimate the time.
And now I have no excuse ...
Last I heard, - a piercing scream. Whose? I do not know. Yet there was a sense of flight. But such short that it is almost impossible to catch ...
Nothing more ...
A flash of light ... In the distance the lights of the night flashed houses. From them hurts your eyes.
I come into itself. She tried to get up - unbearable pain throughout the body. Barely suppressing a cry, yet I get up.
I looked around. I do not understand! Where I am?! After a couple of steps, I realize, "This is the park. But I immediately turned ??? »
I could not understand anything. The whole day seemed fell from memory. I do not remember absolutely nothing.
Going down the alley, I notice that all around there is no passer-by. I wonder what time it is? I do not remember that the park was empty.
Suddenly behind, I heard a rustling. Turning around, I see a little crispy on the bench boy about five years old. Strange. I'll bet that it just was not there. For a moment I was waiting for, not whether there will be followed by at least someone from the adults. It can not be a child so late. But nothing happened.
Then I carefully went over and sat down beside him.
- Hi baby. You are lost? - I asked quietly.
- No, - I replied the boy, not even looking at me.
- Where are your parents? Why are you alone?
- I waited for you, - he said, and looked up at me big brown eyes.
The answer surprised me a little, but I did not attach any importance. You never know what can
tell the children?
- What's your name?
- I do not know.
- But mum as you once called? - I said absently.
- Nothing. I do not, - replied sadly kid.
There was a pause. I did not know what to do next. Leave the child in such a late hour, I could not.
- I want you to show something - suddenly the boy said, and jumped off the bench.
I took his hand, and we went to the park. Some time later, we were near my house.
- Do you live here? - Again I ask the kid.
- No.
- And where? - I sat down in front of him on his heels. - Where do we go?
- For nothing, - he said, fingering toy car.
I wanted to ask something else, but at that moment there was a piercing scream. I looked in the direction from which he came.
Screaming woman. She was in the company of young people. On her face frozen horror. She pointed somewhere upstairs, trying to say something.
Followed her gesture, I froze: in a light passage window on the eighth floor was a girl. After a moment, she took a step.
My heart went cold. Around immediately raised vanity: who yelled to summon an ambulance, who rushed to provide first aid. And I could not look away from the window.
At that moment I felt that I did not hear anything but frenzied beating of his own heart ... and did not see anything ... except for the light from the window of an apartment on the eighth floor of my apartment ... ...
Every minute, every second of the evening was for me a never-ending nightmare, a memory which is not erased in any way.
The bloody body of his father in his arms ... my mother and sister in tears ... a deafening siren ambulance ...
I ran down the street away from his home. Tears rolling down her cheeks. Raging winds mercilessly hit in the face.
From exhaustion, falling on the cold ground. Gasping for breath, tears wash his hand.
Suddenly, I notice a number of the same boy ... boy ...
- What's going on? - I asked in a hoarse voice
- Do not you understand? - Naive kid says.
Shake my head: I do not want to understand!
- You died.
- What?! - It becomes even harder to breathe - That's not true !!! You're lying !!! It does not happen ... Do you hear ?! There are no !!!
Breaks down to cry, I want to escape. But the question behind forces to stop.
- Is not that what you wanted? Do not you for it committed suicide?
The head strikes a sharp pain, and before the eyes sweep past Pictures of the day: school, klassuha screaming, mocking looks classmates scandal with his mother, tears ... ledge and blinding lights of the city at night ...
- Why ...
- Why are you here? What are you waiting for? - Laughing boy.
- I do not know ... I thought it was no longer in pain ... I wanted to end this nightmare ...
- You are mistaken.
- But why?! Did not I suffered enough ?! Why me ?!
- For what? - He asks - Good. I'll show you.
We walk in silence for some street. Soon, we face a gray building. This is a hospital.
- Why are we here?
- That's right. Come on.
We enter and climb to the second floor. Above the entrance weighing plate "Resuscitation department».
Next brightly lit corridor. White door with room number. Near one of these doors sitting father, his head in his hands. He cries.
I only once saw my father cry. Then killed his best friend. It was painful to see him so. And now? Now the cause of his tears was me.
The next moment, a man stepped out of the room in a white coat. Dad got up to meet him and something quietly asked. In response, he shook his head:
- We can not do anything. Her brain is dead. You still decide whether to turn off the system or not.
Father sank back into his chair. His face was pale as chalk.
- Lord !!! For what?! - A corridor filled with tears.
- Come on, - said the doctor quietly. - You need to calm down.
He was taken away it. As the tears rolled down my cheeks. The chest pain was unbearable. I wanted to go after them, but the kid stopped me:
- We are here.
He brought me into the chamber.
I lay on the bed. Nearby sat mother and sister.
I stayed with them until the morning ... At 10:15 it was all over ... my heart stopped ... forever ...
The funeral was at the new cemetery. We stood on the side of the whole procession. Cool autumn wind hit in the face. As the body ran goose.
I looked around the vacant lot. No one, even the smallest, trees. Everything was dead.
Coming closer to the place, I examined the crowd Alyosha.
- What's he doing here? - I asked in disbelief.
- He came to say goodbye to you, - he said.
- But why? Why is he here ??
- Because you it was a way ...
-What?! No! You're wrong.
- Why? - Naively asked the kid.
- Because he said to me I never came! Because I do not like him ...
- This is not true. Man is not always able to understand the other person. Here you are mistaken.
You're afraid to talk to him. And why do you think that he is not afraid? You pretended not to notice it. So how could he know that you like? His frightened that you laugh at his feelings.
- It's not fair! I do not know ... - I sat down on the cold ground.
Wind has mercilessly slashed across the face. I looked at Alyosha, who stood quietly, surrounded by people. They all came to say goodbye to me. Now all of them were bad.
I read on your face Aleshki sadness, infinite pain.
- Leszek, darling ... - I whispered softly. - Why is everything so ...
Another gust of wind, at this point he turned in my direction. For a moment it seemed to me that he was looking directly at me, into my eyes ... eyes full of despair ...
He fell to his knees beside the grave and tears ran down his cheeks.
- I will have my revenge.
Whisper a prayer in stone walls, razor-thin veins ...
Dead leaves gently lay at his feet. Strangely, only now the beginning of autumn, and the leaves were somehow some black and a completely lifeless. They were lying dead at his feet.
Suddenly a voice somewhere near my attention. On the benches of the playground was a party of young people. I walked into the shade of a tall tree, but knew me and without it no one will see.
He's sitting pretty in the company of drunken friends. Although the few of them left behind: in a hand a half-empty bottle of vodka.
Brightly colored youngster hung around his neck, something squeaky lisping.
- Fuck off - roughly throws it in her face.
- There! Kid angry! - She does not seem out of cunning - Kid does not want to have fun ???
- Ote ** Camping, I said! - Man growled and forcefully pushed myself youngster. She screeched jumped off the bench:
- You're oh ** l !!!
The company rolled drunken laughter. Only his face was gloomy expression.
Direct features beautiful face ... Brown bleary eyes at one point ... and a bottle of vodka, clenched in his hand.
- Hey, Little! - That was his name all around. Only for me it was just Alyoshka. The most beloved and relatives. - What are you doing? Stoned eh?
Buddy clapped him on the shoulder. Small took a sip and said nothing.
- Yes, you leave it! - Said Oleg. - Can not you see our Small disheartened!
- This is it because of the gray mouse suffers - sarcastically hissed and girl clung to Oleg.
- What? - I did not understand the guy sitting next to Small.
- The one that siganula window.
- Drive! - He guffawed. - Mal, you Che? True?
- Shut up - Small croaked.
- What? You're with me because of this bitch like that ?! Small, do not drive!
- It's all because of you! You brought it!
He hit the first, a fight broke out ... Someone took out a knife ... But he did not give up ...
After a few minutes, he slowly fell on the cold ground covered with dead leaves.
Running up to him, I fell to my knees.
- No ... God ... what have you done ...
I tried in vain to close the hand wound near the heart. What can a ghost? Nothing.
- My God !!! - Screams reflected from the dark sky. - Leave him life ...
I looked into his eyes. Such clear eyes I did not see anybody. And then at the cemetery, he is now looking at me. And now he saw me.
- Alyosha ... - I whispered. - Hold on, I beg you! You must live ...
With his eyelashes fell crystal teardrop.
- I'm sorry - he whispered almost inaudibly. There was no longer a word.
No one came, did not save him. God I no longer heard.
As night began to become gray and the first rays of dawn colorless, I was approached by the same kid.
- Let's go to. It's time.
- No. I will not leave him.
- You can not stay. Come on.
After a while we heard somewhere behind her screams. Apparently the first passers-by found him. Lifeless body on the cold ground.
Him whom I so loved. Who I'd never see. Whose death - my fault ...
It has been probably already or one month, or maybe even a year.
I often go home. Mom. A long time sitting in the corner of the kitchen and see how she was crying in the darkness.
As long as no one sees.
She's very old. And his eyes became so sad, they recited fatigue. From tears of grief ...
But she still keeps. For the sake of her sister. It happens all day Katya, helping with the children. And then comes home and crying every night ....
And the pope is no more ... He did not cope with the pain. He began to drink a lot, a lot.
He blamed my mother that she was very strict with me. They began to quarrel constantly, then he got drunk, got into the car and drove aimlessly. One day he did not come back.
There was ice. The car skidded and he lost control. Started out into the oncoming lane, he crashed into a truck. Death was instantaneous.
After that, my mother was admitted to hospital with a heart attack.
The kid does not return. He was taken ...
One day he came and said that it's time to say goodbye. Soon he will give life.
And he can not be with me.
Now I know his name ... Vlad ... Once upon a time I dreamed that I had a baby boy ... ... and his name will be required to Vlad. Little curly little boy with huge brown little eyes ...
Silent walk through the gray city. Around one.
Sometimes pop up pictures of my life. They are like black and white movies. Then I did not know that it was me, did not see those happy moments.
I long for colors. In the clear blue sky ... in spring flocks of birds ... in fluffy snow ... New Year around, I lost ...
I miss the smile mother ... In her maternal love ... I miss my sister ... I sometimes see it ... see how to grow her daughter, little, restless ... I wish I could be with them next.
How would like to return to his father and Alyosha ... But I can not ... No ... I can not blame these deaths and I can not do this ...
-
