Jeremy Clarkson on Russians

And about why it is harmful to be too polite.

The cult English TV presenter, the permanent leader of the Top Gear car show, Jeremy Clarkson, visited Russia in March. For a whole week. And then he wrote a very honest article about you and me, reports topgearclub.ru.

"As the Russians say, a polite Englishman is always late.
It's time. It is so valued in our time that we will gladly spend all our money doing everything faster, if only we have time to do even more things.
A decade or more ago, if you suddenly wanted to watch a video of a falling cat, it would take you a minute to download the video from the Internet. None of us could afford to waste this minute. So we came up with the idea of watching videos directly online. Fortunately, a whole group of mobile phone manufacturers around the world paid the UK government £22 billion for something called 3G. Now people only had to wait five seconds for a video of a falling cat, and for a while, we were all happy.
We see the same thing in elevators. We need a button to close the doors when we're ready to go. And when we are driving, we are indignant in traffic jams and curse when someone walks slowly on the sidewalk.

And this is strange, because we Brits are still willing to spend long hours every day making faces and chatting with people we don't know. Our obsession with good manners means that we feel compelled to discuss the weather with the postman and vacations with the hairdresser. We write ridiculously long thank-you letters to people who have already been thanked verbally. In business correspondence, we use phrases that are not really necessary – there is just a need to be polite. And if we want instructions, we always start like this: "I'm sorry. I'm afraid to sound annoying, but..."

I'm stopping all this because I recently spent a week in Russia, a country where they didn't seem to invent manners. When the receptionist at the hotel asks for your passport, she doesn't say, "Could you show your passport for a minute, sir, if it doesn't bother you too much?" She said: "Passport." And if you can't find it in three seconds, he adds: "Hurry!"

If you ordered a dish that is not on the menu at the moment, then there will be no long awkward explanations from the waiter. He just says, "It's not there." And if you're trying to smuggle your luggage through a revolving door, no one will wait patiently until you solve the problem. They will constantly push the doors until everything in your bag is broken, and all your fingers are broken off.

When a British Top Gear fan wants to take a picture with me, he spends hours explaining how his son watches a show on Dave, and how he can parody me, and how everyone in the house "prays" to our show. In Russia, they just say: "Photo". And if they don't have a camera with them, then you are told to stand and wait until they go home and take it.

Ever stood behind two Britons in line for a ski lift?
"After you."
— No, you were the first.
"No, I'm sure you were the first.
"Oh, it's all right. I don't mind waiting. What a beautiful day.
"Much warmer than last year.

It is much easier to stand in line in Russia because no one cares. You just go to the front of the line, and if someone objects – and this is exactly what happened – you take out your wallet and show your credit cards to the indignant person. In Russian, it means "I'm richer than you, sunshine, so shut up."

The same story with the so-called polite discussions. The Russians do not back up counter-arguments with subtle hints, but simply say, "You are wrong." Here is the conversation I had:
"The world is ruled by Jews.
"I understand what you're saying, but I don't think that's the reason.
"You're wrong.
— But there are a lot of examples...
"I said you were wrong.

For a Briton, all this is very wild. But after a while, I began to realize that being impolite saves you a lot of time and costs you nothing. When someone spends your evening time with all sorts of empty-headed nonsense, just say they're wrong and walk away. In the butcher's shop, don't bother yourself with a little conversation. Just say "two patties" and wait for the cost to be told to you. When someone is weaving along the sidewalk, push them out of the way. And in a bar, don't try to catch the bartender's eye. Simply shout out your order from the very end of the line.
This definitely works at Aeroflot. The plane begins to take off, although not everyone is seated yet, and when landing, you are not rubbed with nonsense about the weather, and the pilot does not wish a successful further trip. You're told to sit up straight and stay where you are until the plane stops. But no one listens.

Already at home, at Heathrow Airport, I came across a rather sociable immigration officer. "Did you go for a long time?" he asked politely. I saved two seconds by not bothering to answer.
I felt terrible. Terribly guilty. But that's the curse of being British. That's why we need 4G and elevator door buttons, as well as high-speed trains. Because they save us more time so that we can write long thank-you letters and chat a little with the milkman.